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Thread: Life without oral sex :-( long term relationship disaster waiting to happen?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Jehst1987
    Thanks for the response @Billie28.

    Youíve asked some good questions that forced me to step back and look at whatís happened.

    Yes, we dated for 6-months but committed at Christmas. In March the country went into lockdown. Her and her daughter were at mine when it was announced, and that how it stayed for the next several months. She didnít want to go home and I didnít want to force her too either. Whilst I needed space sometimes, I also very much enjoyed having them around and we all needed the comfort.

    Weíre very compatible in terms of living together and given weíre paying for two mortgages we decided it made sense to move in together. Youíre right though, perhaps COVID and the economic impact accelerated that decision too much and we should step back and realign. Thatís what Iím trying to do by writing this post and seeking advice.

    The daughter is looking for a male role model. Her relationship with her dad isnít the best. They see each other once or twice a year. The last thing I want to do is have a negative impact on her life or happiness, thatís why it took me so long to commit in the first instance.

    I agree though, I should put the move on hold until things have settled and I can reaccess things until normal circumstance.
    I know you are not throwing a tantrum over oral sex and if you notice it was the last thing I addressed since it was really the least important thing.

    Supposedly when lockdown was announced , people had the option to be where they want to be for that announcement.
    Most chose to be at home. However on announcement your gf and daughter could simply have gone home. They didnít.
    But that speaks volumes on what she wants and not much about your wants.

    And 4 months later , yuu still are not sure? Are you actually going to tell me that in 4 months she never went to her home she pays a mortgage on? I seriously doubt that.

    So you both have used Covid as an excuse to live together but not commit. Right?

    You both have lived perfectly fine paying your own mortgages , so to live together would be purely financial savings.
    But no commitment.

    Her daughter seeks a male role model? Then be one. If you want to. However , if her daughter were to subsequently find out that you moved in with her mother purely for self financial gain and unsure about the lack of oral sex she gave you and you eventually split because of sexual incompatibility, what kind of make role model is that?

    If you want financial savings , then get a roommate.

    Your gf prob doesnít have that option given she has a daughter using another bedroom , but you as a bachelor do.
    If you want to impart that savings eventually to your gf if or when you do decide to commit then in the meantime put your roommates rent into a savings account. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    It will be a mistake to move forward with this relationship.

    Everything you said, that lead you up to this point seemed like ok decisions. But now you have a situation where she knows there is a problem and she's not doing anything about it.

    That is very telling. So you have to take that info and decide for yourself. This isn't improving. its probably not going to. is this a deal break?

    Compatibility, shared values, and same goals, thats what makes a relationship rewarding and successful.

    Why would you make a deeper commitment to something that isn't what you actually want out of life? AND THERE IS A CHILD INVOLVED!

    Just stop. I want to think you could tell her and she would change because she should want to meet your needs. But I have the feeling, given time, this incompatibility will lead to the end of the relationship anyway. It will just be much more traumatic. sorry.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    [B]Iíve tried talking to her about oral sex and she said she realises she needs to reciprocate the effort, but then doesnít. [/B

    That's selfish behavior on her part. So basically what she does is wriggles around, makes noises, allows you to do things to her and to penetrate her body. You're giving and she's taking. And the fact that she doesn't climax? This is the first year where people are normally on overdrive with having sex. When she gets no pleasure from the act, expect the amount to dwindle over time. She doesn't care that you're not satisfied with the lack of oral pleasure from her. Do you really think she'll care when you start asking to go back to the regular amount of sex you once engaged in?

    I would call this a dealbreaker. You can only choose one person on the planet if you're choosing an exclusive situation. If this is the lady you're going to do that with, you're settling, even with the good traits she does possess.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I find it interesting that you say sex is important to you, but have committed to someone, and to moving in, with whom you don't have satisfying sex with. Can't say that sounds like a great way to work on the "commitment phobe" business so much as to reinforce that self-identity.

    What you want sexually? Sounds pretty base line to my eyes, not porn star stuff. But also sounds like it's not something you're able to cultivate with her. In your shoes, I'd have chalked that up to major incompatibility at around two months, as I'm not someone who believes sexual compatibility is something to "work on," but rather view it more in line with intellectual and spiritual compatibility: it's there, or it's not, and you learn that pretty quickly.

    Perhaps, in this, you've swung the pendulum a bit too far? You've done saucy and casual, realizing the limitations there: a craving for more depth and stability, alongside the sizzle. Now you've realized the limitations in trying to cut hot sauce out of the diet completely in the name of "maturity" or what have you. What you need to feel nourished sounds like it's somewhere in the middle, but something that this union doesn't produce.

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  6. #15
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    You are not compatible in the bedroom. You should not expect her to change.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Whose idea was moving in together? Are either of you unemployed or struggling financially? It's a poor choice, since you already know the incompatibilities. Her daughter is not your responsibility, even though you need to accept a woman's children when you are dating.

    "Mom's live-in bf" has zero status as far as her child goes. Being her tenant is a very foolish idea and also leaves you in a very poor situation.

    Good idea to hold off and reflect. Fools rush in, especially in this case with the 'commitmentphobe' label for yourself and the need for sex that she has no interest in and can't satisfy.
    Originally Posted by Jehst1987
    Weíre very compatible in terms of living together and given weíre paying for two mortgages we decided it made sense to move in together.
    The daughter is looking for a male role model.

  8. #17
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    I canít remember which of us suggested it, but itís evolved over the period of a few months. I do think the fact Iím unemployed, plus the move to remote working for most companies has accelerated the conversation and move.

    I think youíre absolutely right. I should put the breaks on, have a talk with her about our concerns and discuss how to move forward if thatís what we decide.

    It feels terrible as she is an incredible person and itís the best relationship Iíve ever had in many ways. Itís now a case of understanding whether the sexual chemistry is strong enough/important enough to prioritise over everything else.

    I had my concerns initially, but all the amazing positive traits outweighted the concerns and the sex isnít bad, itís just pretty unadventurous, exciting, passionate, etc already and the concern it will deteriorate further. Iím sure I could be making even more effort though too.

    Sheís a very selfless person. Itís clear that she doesnít doesnít like/or need certain things in the bedroom.

    Thanks so much for all the replies though everyone, really helping.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    How does years and years of your sex life exactly as it is today sound to you?

    You should never proceed with a relationship expecting or hoping for the other party to "change" or "adjust". Generally, what you see is what you get.

    If years of this exact same sex life does not appeal to you, don't move in. At the very least. And do not make important relationship decisions based on convenience or finances.

    BTW, I am not a "porn star" and I appreciate and love an adventurous sex life. Being an adult and having kids never meant it was no longer important to me. It just meant I needed a partner with a similar sex drive.

  10. #19
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    End it.

    You are not sexually compatible. Taking on a other man's child is a massive thing and not a good thing to do if you are both this incompatible. You should be in the honeymoon phase with eahc other still. You are doing all the giving, she's doing the taking and not repayong the favour.

    I'd cut cut my losses and wish them both well and move on.

  11. #20
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    Hey! I believe it comes down to one thing. When the house has a broken light, do you move or do you change the light??

    It's easy to judge and step away when something isn't working for you. But if you believe that you are compatible on long term on other things, it could be good to sit down and think whether those other areas are more or less important. Truth is, in sex sometimes chemistry is right there, sometimes you have to build it as a couple. And I do believe that most of the time it can be done, unless there are underlying ideas that often come from religion, previous toxic households and so on.

    However, you cannot build compatibility on everyday matters, such as problem solving, families, money handling, etc. So I would say, if you guys are compatible on those other things, it would be good to try and talk about what you like in bed. Maybe she doesn't like oral sex, and she might be thinking just the same thing you are asking...? What I mean, in the end, is that relationships don't work like clothes, as in if it fits fine, if it doesn't then you change it. Relationships are built, over time and with communication. But that depends, of course, if you are willing to do it. Maybe she's just not the one, so if the mere idea of building, communicating, trial and error tires you, then perhaps it's not the best.

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