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Thread: Are friendships just a waste of time?

  1. #1
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Are friendships just a waste of time?

    Hey everyone. I normally come on here to vent about dating/romantic relationships. But today, it's about friendships. I turned 30 this year. Progressively throughout my life, I've lost one friend after the next. And, it's always to women. They find someone, they get serious dating, eventually get engaged or married. You feel like you're slowly pushed out of their life over time. I guess this is to be expected and happens to a lot of people I've been told throughout life.
    This week, or day in particular, this is kind of a painful day. I pretty much had one close friend left, who I considered most of this time my best friend. Well, as of today, I kinda have decided internally that we're not really friends anymore. It's actually been sitting on me for a few weeks now thinking about this. He normally asks me to his families house for 4th of July. This year, I haven't heard anything. Now, it's very possible that's because of the virus or something. But still, to be dead silent. And even if he asks, I'm not sure I want to go, anyway.

    We used to play a lot of these online games together. Now, he's never online anymore. "Last online one month ago". He never texts, he never calls. I just hear from him less and less. Yeah. He's another one... got a girlfriend last year. Now she's the center of his world. He told me he goes to her house every evening for 2-3 hours. Well, that explains the game time, then. I've ultimately been shoved aside to make room for his girlfriend. I don't get it what's with these people. When I got deep with someone years ago, I never shoved my friends aside like that. I just feel there's a balance to everything in life. This has happened to me even with older men I have befriended. They got retired and moved away with their wives, and progressively speak to you less and less.
    I'm reaching that point at my life where friendships feel like a complete and utter waste of time. Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like at times, I've been happier having friends in my life. But I am certainly NOT happy, when they just progressively speak to me less and less and less. Once I'm not really friends with them anymore, the thoughts and memories I have of them deeply bother me. I just wish I could erase some of them from my memory. I get a "fine, you don't want to talk to me anymore, **** you and the memory of you".

    What's even more difficult about this is my struggles with dating. I can't find anyone. I went on a lot of dates last year, none worked out. One bad experience with one of them even left me with a severe case of OCD (yes I've been diagnosed and am even medicated over it now on an antidepressant). I've done a lot in the past year to improve my life, new career, money, I have turned my mental health problems around via the medication and committing to therapy over six months. I've come to terms a lot with my dating life, especially over therapy. I realize that, it takes a lot of time to date and find the right person. And I often try to rush things or force chemistry when there is none. I am trying to find other means to be happy in life besides wanting a partner. But this friendship thing today, it feels like a little bit of salt in the wound. And it burns extra when you see all these other people finding someone and you are not. It definitely makes you feel like, there is something wrong with you, even if there's not. I also question why I even bother fighting to improve myself and overcome my struggles. I used to think people cared about me. I know realize, they really don't.

  2. #2
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    First, let me say that I'm sorry you feel this way. But, I feel that that is the nature of many people when they meet someone. It's not right. They find someone, make them their main focus and "forget" about the people around them and who are their friends are. Should the relationship fail, they come back and tell you about their problems. Really??? Those people, IMHO, are not genuine friends. Priorities change, I get that. And some of these people may encounter their own problems so they put friendships on hold. Granted, they are excited and happy to be in a new relationship, and it's understandable but, I feel they should not forget about their friends. They should make an effort to occasionally call or text. But, that's just me. Perhaps I expect too much from people.

    I'll share my sad and pathetic story with you. I am recently divorced after a 29 year marriage. Before the divorce, we had a good amount of mutual friends. We were quite close with several of them. During my separation, I reached out to a couple of them and told them about the divorce via Facebook because I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable by actually calling. They responded to my message and that was it! I tried a number of times without success. If the situation were reversed, I would have offered them my support, no doubt. They all turned their backs to me. I have no friends now. Slowly, I realised that if they were genuine friends, they would have been supportive, especially during my darkest days when I needed them the most. So, I don't think much of these people. I will say that I have some on-line friends who have been incredibly supportive. I am so grateful to those people.

    Unfortunately, I don't think much of friendships anymore. Perhaps I will feel differently in the future. I'm not angry, just very disappointed and hurt. As far as I'm concerned, they could all go to h*ll. I'm pretty happy without them.

    "I also question why I even bother fighting to improve myself and overcome my struggles." You should do this for yourself, musicman. You are responsible for your own happiness so keep doing this. You are still so young, so don't give up, OK? I hope that someday you will find someone who truly cares about you, and gives you the love and respect that you deserve.

    In conclusion, friendships are definitely not a waste of time. You just have to find the right people.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Hi Goddess, thank you for your time in writing that message, and it helps hearing from others who have dealt with this throughout life!

    Originally Posted by goddess
    First, let me say that I'm sorry you feel this way. But, I feel that that is the nature of many people when they meet someone. It's not right. They find someone, make them their main focus and "forget" about the people around them and who are their friends are. Should the relationship fail, they come back and tell you about their problems. Really??? Those people, IMHO, are not genuine friends. Priorities change, I get that. And some of these people may encounter their own problems so they put friendships on hold. Granted, they are excited and happy to be in a new relationship, and it's understandable but, I feel they should not forget about their friends. They should make an effort to occasionally call or text. But, that's just me. Perhaps I expect too much from people.
    I TOTALLY agree with you on that! People put so much weight and value into their relationships. Even if you're married, it's just not right IMHO. The sad reality is, and you've been through it having gone through a divorce, love doesn't always last. People split for a myriad of reasons. Life is unpredictable and people change, even romantic partners. And for that reason alone, it is a very good idea to never shut off the other people who have been there for your throughout your life. I think, in almost all my cases of friends, they get blinded by that early "puppy love". Or the honeymoon phase some call it. It seems so special and magical to them that they forget about everything else in their life.

    My friends girlfriend. I always butt out of peoples business as much as possible. But speaking on here, yeah, he got too deep too fast. On their third date, he bought her a freaking Nintendo Switch! I told him that was way overboard. It sounded like she didn't even like the gesture at first. When we were hanging out one day, one of his siblings ripped on him for dating her because she does not want kids. I was actually shocked to hear that. And him, he was totally fine with it, "oh I'm fine with her not wanting kids". Now, I understand why some people don't want to have any, and that is totally their right. But my friend, he seemed to be the kind of guy that would be a good dad someday and someone whom wanted kids. And I feel like, he just likes this girl that much that he is agreeing to it, and not really thinking about what he wants.

    The time he spends with her, too, 3~ hours a day, really?! When I was dating and last serious with someone, I'd spend a day or two with them, and leave the rest of my week open to myself and other interests. BALANCE. But him, he goes to this girls house for hours. I don't know how they don't get a bit bored of one another. And, I don't know what they even do. Now, I haven't talked to him in months about this subject. But last he told me, they never had sex! And because she doesn't want to get pregnant. Again, personal choices, I get it. But, the kind of guy he is... I don't know how he is going all this time without getting sex! And I think that sexual chemistry is kind of important, especially when you've been with someone for that amount of time. He even said they were thinking of living together. But they never even had sex?

    I don't know. It's not my life but his, I have a feeling in my gut though that this isn't the right woman for him. But yeah. I appreciate everything else you said. I try to do things for myself. And I agree on finding the right people. While I'm not gonna slam the door in my friends face, I wouldn't mind finding other like-minded people to me out there with similar values. I'm a pretty diehard musician (see the username), but I actually have no friends now that are musicians. I would love to make some, it's a pretty big part of my life. The coronavirus unfortunately is making it hard to get out of the house and do anything either, though.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I have just a very few friends. Sadly, all of them live out of state, partly because I moved and partly because they moved. But I have messenger conversations with a couple of them pretty much every day and another one maybe once a week. The rest are very casual friends who I communicate with maybe a couple of times a month.

    With Covid and my anxiety I don't see my friends (or my family) in person. I see my son and his spouse about every 2 weeks for a walk and my other child is not available for me to see in person right now. So I don't have much human interaction. To be honest, even before the pandemic I almost always chose to do things alone rather than with a friend because I like to do my own thing maybe a bit too much. I wanted to decide where to go and what to eat and how long to be out. But now, I can't even see anyone when I want to (with the exception I mentioned previously).

    Once Covid is under control I would like to see people more. I would like to join some social groups just to be around people a bit. I've always been the type who makes friends wherever I go, so I'm hoping that happens again.

    Also, I only really have one lifelong friend. She too lives far away and we don't communicate much. It's just the way things turned out. We're both divorced and both have kids but we don't seem to talk really anymore. Not even sure why TBH.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Musicman.

    Look, you cannot compete with a wife/future wife/LTR/GF. Particularly when people get married they have a lot going on at the outset. It doesn't mean they forget old friends. But it is a fact that married couples or LTR couples tend to fraternize with other couples.

    People do care about you. And you should make an effort to call them by the way.

    So, all these friends of yours have acquired wives/LTRs. In other words, women. You complain you meet no one. I am betting your friends would be glad to introduce you to someone or more than one.
    Their wives and LTRs surely have women friends? Who might be glad to meet someone like you. Why don't you ask them. Maybe set up something like a dinner at one of their homes. You would be amazed at the number of people who meet their future spouse/LTR through their married/LTR friends.

    Next:

    For heaven's sakes, OP, re-read this!

    " I've ultimately been shoved aside to make room for his girlfriend."


    I bet he's never online, and my imagination runs to the more entertaining activities he is finding in those 2 or 3 hours with his lady!.

    Talk to them, OP.

    And does the lack of logic in this rather mad remark not strike you.

    And it burns extra when you see all these other people finding someone and you are not. It definitely makes you feel like, there is something wrong with you, even if there's not

    So get a move on and ask those married/LTR friends and their ladies to introduce you to some of their female friends. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Musicman.

    Look, you cannot compete with a wife/future wife/LTR/GF. Particularly when people get married they have a lot going on at the outset. It doesn't mean they forget old friends. But it is a fact that married couples or LTR couples tend to fraternize with other couples.

    People do care about you. And you should make an effort to call them by the way.

    So, all these friends of yours have acquired wives/LTRs. In other words, women. You complain you meet no one. I am betting your friends would be glad to introduce you to someone or more than one.
    Their wives and LTRs surely have women friends? Who might be glad to meet someone like you. Why don't you ask them. Maybe set up something like a dinner at one of their homes. You would be amazed at the number of people who meet their future spouse/LTR through their married/LTR friends.

    Next:

    For heaven's sakes, OP, re-read this!

    " I've ultimately been shoved aside to make room for his girlfriend."


    I bet he's never online, and my imagination runs to the more entertaining activities he is finding in those 2 or 3 hours with his lady!.

    Talk to them, OP.

    And does the lack of logic in this rather mad remark not strike you.

    And it burns extra when you see all these other people finding someone and you are not. It definitely makes you feel like, there is something wrong with you, even if there's not

    So get a move on and ask those married/LTR friends and their ladies to introduce you to some of their female friends. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
    Totally agree. I wasn't one of those "now that I'm married/coupled/a parent" etc I have no time for friends. The opposite. My close friends mean so much to me. Some friendships did prove to be a waste of time but in general I think friends are essential and friends should accommodate lifestyle changes to the extent possible. I was one of the last to marry/have a child but I traveled all over to the suburbs to see those friends who left our city once they had kids for example.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by musicman777
    People put so much weight and value into their relationships. Even if you're married, it's just not right IMHO. The sad reality is, and you've been through it having gone through a divorce, love doesn't always last. People split for a myriad of reasons. Life is unpredictable and people change, even romantic partners. And for that reason alone, it is a very good idea to never shut off the other people who have been there for your throughout your life. I think, in almost all my cases of friends, they get blinded by that early "puppy love". Or the honeymoon phase some call it. It seems so special and magical to them that they forget about everything else in their life.

    My friends girlfriend. I always butt out of peoples business as much as possible. But speaking on here, yeah, he got too deep too fast. On their third date, he bought her a freaking Nintendo Switch! I told him that was way overboard. It sounded like she didn't even like the gesture at first. When we were hanging out one day, one of his siblings ripped on him for dating her because she does not want kids. I was actually shocked to hear that. And him, he was totally fine with it, "oh I'm fine with her not wanting kids". Now, I understand why some people don't want to have any, and that is totally their right. But my friend, he seemed to be the kind of guy that would be a good dad someday and someone whom wanted kids. And I feel like, he just likes this girl that much that he is agreeing to it, and not really thinking about what he wants.

    The time he spends with her, too, 3~ hours a day, really?! When I was dating and last serious with someone, I'd spend a day or two with them, and leave the rest of my week open to myself and other interests. BALANCE. But him, he goes to this girls house for hours. I don't know how they don't get a bit bored of one another. And, I don't know what they even do. Now, I haven't talked to him in months about this subject. But last he told me, they never had sex! And because she doesn't want to get pregnant. Again, personal choices, I get it. But, the kind of guy he is... I don't know how he is going all this time without getting sex! And I think that sexual chemistry is kind of important, especially when you've been with someone for that amount of time. He even said they were thinking of living together. But they never even had sex?

    I don't know. It's not my life but his, I have a feeling in my gut though that this isn't the right woman for him. .
    I cannot believe I am reading this. Your friends' marriages/relationships are totally NONE of your business. What they do, say, think, give gifts of, whether they are in deep or not deep, whether they have sex, no sex, or sex with the entire street. NOT your business!

    Will you listen to yourself!!

    ". I don't know how he is going all this time without getting sex!" That is ENTIRELY his business and no one else's. You have no idea what goes on behind any couple's closed doors. And you would do well to keep your opinions to yourself about their relationships, sex, lack thereof, kids, no kids, dozens of kids, and any other private matters.
    So one of them bought a Nintendo for a woman. His money, his choice, no more than if he had bought her two Cadillacs. And you had the nerve to tell him it was "way overboard".

    And if people split, that is also their business.

    Start contacting your friends, to ask how they are and NOT to enviously criticise them for their choices. Do you think they don't notice?!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you, MM. I don't view friendships as pointless, I view them as dynamic. They are voluntary, not in stone, and they tend to change over the course of time.

    This doesn't have to be a 'bad' thing, as long as we are dynamic, too, in our continual cultivation of new acquaintances over time. We learn, also over time, who among these might evolve into a greater friendship even while we respect the limits of each person.

    So some people might be sports friends who are lousy at conversation, or movie friends who don't share our politics, or great confidants who hate crowds and won't attend events or parties with us.

    Everyone has their weaknesses or limits of investment as we age into our priorities.

    Gone are the days of youth when we could homogenize well with almost anyone and build an instant affinity. As adults, we solidify into our own personalities, and we won't be everyone's cup of tea, and we won't form the insta-bonds that could spell a 'best' friend so easily while we were blank slates.

    Our focus changes over a lifetime. Our paths with others diverge, not because of disloyalty, but because new priorities emerge that we hadn't considered while we bonded in more carefree times.

    Once the majority of my friends became knee deep in diapers, I could no longer hear a complete sentence without a screeching interruption from babes in the background, and I got it. The simpatico I had enjoyed with these loved ones while we were BOTH single and focused on one another just was never going to be there.

    No villains here.

    Yet, the people who have mattered the most to me have re-cycled back into my life over time. This doesn't mean within a few weeks, it has meant ~years~, simply because our paths diverged and re-synched at a more appropriate time.

    So don't burn bridges. This isn't personal, it's predictable. That's why we are responsible for keeping up with our own focus on always cultivating NEW acquaintances even while we maintain a partial focus on older friends. Whenever the old friends slip into a switch on their priorities, we've already developed an ability to focus on our newer friends to minimize any real or imagined insult.

    Sentimentality brings people back again at certain points of life. A pandemic is NOT the time to measure that sentiment. If I've been deliberately 'safe' for two weeks prior to visiting family members, I'm not going to break that bubble to invite anyone who might put my loved ones at risk.

    This isn't a 'like' thing. We can't say, "Oh, it's only Joe. He likes us, he wouldn't infect us." This is a time when NObody owns control over our environment beyond isolating ourselves from others.

    Keep your head high, and don't take a deep dive into an unnecessary rabbit hole that's difficult to climb back out of. A pandemic isn't personal. A new focus on priorities isn't personal. Sure, none of it feels fabulous, but it's up to each of us to continually build dynamic networks of potential friends who may someday gel into fabulous relationships--but often times, not.

    Not everyone is our match. People come into our lives "...for a season, for a reason, or forever." We never know who will be which.

    Head high, Luv.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm more of the live and let live vibe also.

    Stay away from getting bitter towards others' choices. Whatever you choose is fine for yourself but learn not to waste your energy over individuals who certainly aren't wasting theirs on you.

    To each their own and that is perfectly ok. I've had friends go off into the sunset with their partners and I'm the one cheering them on. Why on earth do I want to be a part of that? I'm happy for them and don't have any desire to be a third wheel. We all grow in different directions. Some friendships last a very long time and I think the best ones that do don't require backbreaking effort either. You are comfortable weaving in and out of each others' lives, touching base once or twice a year on a shared trip or a long phone call.

    I'm recently separated so yes, I can attest to all the raw and negative and rude assumptions that some have made (thankfully, not many). Almost everyone I know is very kind and wonderful. If people choose not to associate with me or not keep in contact that's ok too. I don't mind. It leaves room for making new friends. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm thinking or feeling so why should I assume to understand them?

    If you like music so much why not pick up an instrument or take up a new instrument? Go to the corner of the street, down to the beach or some place nice and start busking. You don't need to brush shoulders with anyone playing music for free and enjoying yourself. Stay positive and keep living your own best life without worrying so much about what other people are doing.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Friendships do ebb and flow. I have had some friends in the past that as soon as they got boyfriends they dumped me altogether. Only to try to reconnect when their relatio ship ended. Those are not good friends.

    The other side of that is, a new relationship is exciting and heady, so there can be some distance. Its the same when someone starts a new job or has a baby... it can take awhile to get into a routine to include social time with friends.

    I don't mean to say it doesn't hurt or make you feel left out....I agree with the advice to ask to be set up with a nice single friend of one of the girlfriends.

    And also make more friends... i always have different groups of friends... and i still do. from different jobs, the kids i grew up with, college friends, book club friends, happy hour at the local bar friends... when one is not around, I'll spend time elsewhere...

    its tough now because if your area is like mine, the virus is still strong... but aside from this anomaly, work on getting more going for yourself and then you won't feel so left out. like right now I'm kinda just stuck with work and phone calls with friends. So i focus more on my personal interests tv shows, books, crafts, plants, cooking, that kind of stuff.

    Get a dog and go to the dog park... or foster a dog if you don't want commitment to an animal. you can volunteer at the shelter.

    Focus on changing your energy to attract better. its like you gotta believe and then you'll see. Not the other way around.

    Someone is looking for you too.

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