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Thread: Are friendships just a waste of time?

  1. #11
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    I don't have much to add. I'm 30 as well and all of my friends are pairing off. I had several relationships in the past but now have been single for over a year (will be 2 early next year) and have no plans or desire to change that. It was SO much easier having couple friends when I was part of a couple. Now it's harder when you're single, at least my experience.

    I'm learning to accept being alone more and fill my time with work and school. I see friends on occasion but less now. It's either find a partner or learn to enjoy being single and accept that you're going to be alone more. I'm doing the latter but you need to figure out what works for you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Musicman.

    Look, you cannot compete with a wife/future wife/LTR/GF. Particularly when people get married they have a lot going on at the outset. It doesn't mean they forget old friends. But it is a fact that married couples or LTR couples tend to fraternize with other couples.

    People do care about you. And you should make an effort to call them by the way.

    So, all these friends of yours have acquired wives/LTRs. In other words, women. You complain you meet no one. I am betting your friends would be glad to introduce you to someone or more than one.
    Their wives and LTRs surely have women friends? Who might be glad to meet someone like you. Why don't you ask them. Maybe set up something like a dinner at one of their homes. You would be amazed at the number of people who meet their future spouse/LTR through their married/LTR friends.

    Next:

    For heaven's sakes, OP, re-read this!

    " I've ultimately been shoved aside to make room for his girlfriend."


    I bet he's never online, and my imagination runs to the more entertaining activities he is finding in those 2 or 3 hours with his lady!.

    Talk to them, OP.

    And does the lack of logic in this rather mad remark not strike you.

    And it burns extra when you see all these other people finding someone and you are not. It definitely makes you feel like, there is something wrong with you, even if there's not

    So get a move on and ask those married/LTR friends and their ladies to introduce you to some of their female friends. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
    I read both of your replies here. You know, for the past X amount of years I've had friends on countless occasions tell me they're going to set me up with someone, and they *NEVER* do. Especially the one that I made this post about. I've heard so many times, his girlfriends roommate, another friend of his girlfriends, or he gets people to gatherings at his place that are already taken and play games. Just empty hopes or promises that are never seen through. He knows how bad I've had it with people I'm not compatible with online, too. That never changed anything.

    And you know what else? At this point, I don't know if I can EVER be with someone, anyway. This OCD I mentioned earlier? I'm gonna be blunt and tell you and everyone else the truth. I have what's known as "sexual orientation OCD". Because ONE bad physical experience I had in my life, I became absolutely obsessed with the idea that, I must be gay/bi/asexual or something else because I wasn't turned on by one woman in my life. It got viciously bad, like someone went into my brain with a pair of scissors cutting cords. I would think about 300-400 times per-day. I couldn't relax, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't watch TV without thinking or worrying about it. Like a germaphobe, but instead of constantly washing my hands, I was constantly checking people out to see what kind of sexual reaction I would get. I had to go to an OCD specialist and be medicated. I'm very at-peace now, but my dating/relationship life is complete uncertainty. I know now that I was dealing with a mental illness and intrusive thoughts, and I still want to be with a nice woman. But, I don't know how my brain is going to react to that, if there's going to be constant fear or anxiety that I'm going to "change" on them one day, even if it's irrational. I've more or less comes to terms with the fact that I may never be able to be in a relationship with someone ever again because of this. If it's not me, it's the women I date, I don't think anyone would ever want to date someone like me knowing I had this.

    So how would you like to have a condition like this, and to know that that part of your life may never be "normal" again? I feel embarrassed even talking about it, because people don't understand. They think I'm either being homophobic (when gay people get this condition too), having a sexual identity crisis, and/or that it's not a real condition when it is. And this is what makes this friendship predicament more scary. If I can't have a relationship because of this, and now I can't have friends either, what place do I have deal with any humans at all outside of work?

    And that goes on to your next point, couples tends to fraternize with other couples. Well, there you go. No one wants to spent time with a single weirdo that doesn't fit in with them anymore. And you're wrong, people DON'T care about me. Actions speak far louder than words. I do reach out to people, I don't know how many "friends" I can tell you about that I have called/texted out of the blue. They'll want to meet or make plans, and then never do. The same goes for this friend. I periodically text him, tell him stuff going on with me, ask him about his work and etc. I feel like the initiation is very one-sided at this point. This mental health crisis I had, I had to deal with this entirely by myself.

    I ultimately feel like an annoying burden to people once they find a SO. Maybe I am, that's the only reason I can come up with why people stop talking to me so frequently when this happens. At least some of you others dealing with this have family or kids or whatever. I don't. Oh well. I'm gonna have to find a way to live life without any real friends, now.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    No, friendships are not just a waste of time. Granted, I've only retained a few friends from my childhood including a BFF (best friend forever). My BFF and I were childhood friends, she was my maid-of-honor at my wedding, I too was in her wedding party and our sons are the same age. Fortunately, she's local and only within a 30 minute drive from my house. My other friend was from HS and she too is local although I'm not as close to her as my BFF. I have a few friends outside my two closest friends and that's it. Everyone else is an acquaintance.

    My BFF and I take walks, meet for meals, stay at the mall all day and enjoy our outings once or twice a month. Occasionally, our husbands join us as a foursome at a restaurant for dinner. We've attended church worship services together, basketball games, festivals, etc.

    I admit I'm one of those married women who drifted apart from long ago friends from when I was single. However, they too did the same. Many of us moved faraway, changed jobs, some friends divorced with broken families (kids) while others were met with tragedy such as their son's early death and all sorts of sad stories. Sure, there's FB or social media but it's not the same as real life friends whom you meet in person regularly.

    Try not to feel so jaded and wary regarding friendships. Not every friendsship was meant to last for the long haul. It's not uncommon for married people to drop friends. It's not due to hate either. It's due to new shifted focus onto their significant other, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife and then if there's children, parents become super busy between working and child rearing. There are only so many hours in a day and unfortunately, friendships get the shaft.

    Don't give up on friendships. There are friends out there in this world for you. Some are keepers while others will fade away from your life. It's nothing personal. Heck, ever since I married, I'm not that close to my siblings and mother anymore. I've been very happily married for a long time and my husband and sons are my whole world. All of my needs are met and I'm perfectly content. I still maintain contact, they're local and we'll reunite for the holidays. However, we're not close anymore and everyone is satisfied. No harm, no foul.

    People become apathetic and indifferent. Not everyone is enthusiastic about cultivating, nurturing and maintaining friendships. Friendships are time consuming and expensive. Expensive meaning eventual birthday and holiday gift exchanges, social restaurant meetings, tickets, entertainment and a fun lifestyle all cost money. Only some friends are willing to put forth this type of effort and time. It's human nature. However, it doesn't mean that everyone is this way. There are friends out there for you.

    Lower your expectations and you won't get hurt anymore. In the future, you will meet new friends. Try volunteering in your community if you want to meet empathetic types, join a church if you are faith based, enroll in a class, begin a sports 'n fitness program, delve into a hobby or intellectual pursuits. You're bound to meet friends going those various routes.

    Chin up, musicman777. All is not doom and gloom!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by musicman777
    I have what's known as "sexual orientation OCD". Because ONE bad physical experience I had in my life, I became absolutely obsessed with the idea that, I must be gay/bi/asexual or something else because I wasn't turned on by one woman in my life.
    There's another poster on here who is dealing with a similar problem. You might want to review some of his threads and/or reach out to him:

    Originally Posted by JCDallas
    I've been suffering from HOCD, Anxiety, and Self Doubt about my sexuality for seemingly forever now, but very heavily over the last 2.5 months, it's all I think about
    [Register to see the link]

    As for friendships, I think they are definitely worth it. Right now, your envy and anxiety are getting the best of you and clouding your judgment on the matter. I think if you revisit the issue under less stressful circumstances, you will probably agree that friendships have value.

    Originally Posted by musicman777
    And that goes on to your next point, couples tends to fraternize with other couples. Well, there you go. No one wants to spent time with a single weirdo that doesn't fit in with them anymore.
    That's not entirely true. I have a single weirdo friend that hangs out with my boyfriend and me on a regular basis. We go to restaurants together. We all enjoy food and conversation, so we have fun.

    There are also couples that I don't enjoy hanging out with, for one reason or another.
    Last edited by Jibralta; 07-04-2020 at 07:27 AM.

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  6. #15
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    Here's a thought (and I don't mean to make light of your condition): stop focusing so much on it. It is what it is. You have your whole life ahead of you. I'm betting that the right person will come along when you least expect it. It may take some time so, in the meantime, focus on yourself, hobbies, etc. Do your best to keep yourself busy. Stop comparing yourself to your the couples that you know. Stay out of their business. You're single now; learn to embrace that. It's not so bad. Think of all the positive things in your life and be grateful for that. This is very important.

    Know that some friendships will lessen with time. It's a fact of life, not a reflection on you. People change jobs, location, have children, etc. You hang in there, mucisman! Enjoy your weekend.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I have experienced the evolving matter of friendships myself. Some strengthen. Some fade to something less than its original form. Some totally end.

    After my first marriage ended, I wanted to stay busy with fun activities on my days/nights off, but my handful of friends at the time and I had different work schedules, different days off, and they had their own significant others and other priorities, so were not always available to spend leisure time with me.

    One outlet I found where other people were enjoying an activity I thought would be fun was going to dance lessons. The one I participated in most was East Coast Swing. At most of the sites, there was a one hour group lesson followed by a two hour dance. Since you like music, you might find this new hobby to be fun. When I started searching in my area, I was shocked to see how much was going on in the dance world that wasn't really advertised that much including West Coast Swing, Tango, Salsa, Two-Step. When friends aren't available, it's a great place to meet new people and to learn a new skill.

    Other great places to spend your time enjoyably could be: book discussion groups, writer's groups, being a docent at a museum, zoo, or aquarium. Meetup.com also has many activity groups you could research. Obviously you're not the only person who has to actively seek out other people to spend time with, or Meetup.com wouldn't exist. I know I enjoyed some of those activities I attended included going to a Blueberry festival, a barbecue where you had to dress like a hobo, and just meeting for drinks and appetizers on a second floor patio at a bar. At least when my friends were busy, I could be proactive and seek out my own entertainment instead of just watching t.v. by myself on a Friday night.

    Take care.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by musicman777
    I read both of your replies here. You know, for the past X amount of years I've had friends on countless occasions tell me they're going to set me up with someone, and they *NEVER* do. Especially the one that I made this post about. I've heard so many times, his girlfriends roommate, another friend of his girlfriends, or he gets people to gatherings at his place that are already taken and play games. Just empty hopes or promises that are never seen through. He knows how bad I've had it with people I'm not compatible with online, too. That never changed anything.

    And you know what else? At this point, I don't know if I can EVER be with someone, anyway. This OCD I mentioned earlier? I'm gonna be blunt and tell you and everyone else the truth. I have what's known as "sexual orientation OCD". Because ONE bad physical experience I had in my life, I became absolutely obsessed with the idea that, I must be gay/bi/asexual or something else because I wasn't turned on by one woman in my life. It got viciously bad, like someone went into my brain with a pair of scissors cutting cords. I would think about 300-400 times per-day. I couldn't relax, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't watch TV without thinking or worrying about it. Like a germaphobe, but instead of constantly washing my hands, I was constantly checking people out to see what kind of sexual reaction I would get. I had to go to an OCD specialist and be medicated. I'm very at-peace now, but my dating/relationship life is complete uncertainty. I know now that I was dealing with a mental illness and intrusive thoughts, and I still want to be with a nice woman. But, I don't know how my brain is going to react to that, if there's going to be constant fear or anxiety that I'm going to "change" on them one day, even if it's irrational. I've more or less comes to terms with the fact that I may never be able to be in a relationship with someone ever again because of this. If it's not me, it's the women I date, I don't think anyone would ever want to date someone like me knowing I had this.

    So how would you like to have a condition like this, and to know that that part of your life may never be "normal" again? I feel embarrassed even talking about it, because people don't understand. They think I'm either being homophobic (when gay people get this condition too), having a sexual identity crisis, and/or that it's not a real condition when it is. And this is what makes this friendship predicament more scary. If I can't have a relationship because of this, and now I can't have friends either, what place do I have deal with any humans at all outside of work?

    And that goes on to your next point, couples tends to fraternize with other couples. Well, there you go. No one wants to spent time with a single weirdo that doesn't fit in with them anymore. And you're wrong, people DON'T care about me. Actions speak far louder than words. I do reach out to people, I don't know how many "friends" I can tell you about that I have called/texted out of the blue. They'll want to meet or make plans, and then never do. The same goes for this friend. I periodically text him, tell him stuff going on with me, ask him about his work and etc. I feel like the initiation is very one-sided at this point. This mental health crisis I had, I had to deal with this entirely by myself.

    I ultimately feel like an annoying burden to people once they find a SO. Maybe I am, that's the only reason I can come up with why people stop talking to me so frequently when this happens. At least some of you others dealing with this have family or kids or whatever. I don't. Oh well. I'm gonna have to find a way to live life without any real friends, now.
    I'm sorry to hear about your OCD and the struggles you experience. It's good you're getting treatment and are on medication. I hope you'll continue improving.

    Something I observed from your post and comments is that while you really want to have friends, you actually seem quite judgemental of the friends you do have. You said some judgemental things about your friend and his girlfriend and you nit picked his relationship. What he does with his girlfriend is not really any of your business. If he's fine with not having kids now, that's his choice. People are allowed to change their mind.

    If you want to have friends you need to be supportive of them, and yes, even their romantic relationships. People want to be friends with someone who is happy for them, happy they found a partner. I have a best friend of 16 years. I always wanted to get married and have kids, I'm 35 but that never happened for me. My best friend found a guy in 2009. In 2012 she got married and after that had two kids. I was jealous of her, I won't lie. But I was really supportive of her relationship and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. I haven't been spending as much time with her since she got married and had kids, but we are definitely still best friends and we talk regularly.

    To have lasting friendships you need to actually offer something to the friendship. That includes being accepting that your friends are in a couple. If you act resentful that you're single and they're not, it'll show and you'll push them away. You can't act all huffy that your friend doesn't play video games with you anymore because he's at his girlfriend's place. Yes people do want to find someone, and you do too. If you find a girlfriend, you might be spending a lot of time with her too. If your friends get a partner, then to continue the friendship you need to be on friendly terms with the partner too. Understandably someone's life changes when they're in a couple and you can't just expect your friend to lead a bachelor life and just do online gaming all the time.

    Also why are you complaining and acting bitter that your friends haven't set you up with anyone? You're 30, you're a grown man. It's not your friends' job to find you a girlfriend, it's your job. I think you need to stop pitying yourself and blaming your friends for things you don't have. If you want things in life, you have to work at it. That includes having friends too.

    You can still make new friends by going to Meetup.com events, meeting friends online, social groups, hobbies, gaming, you name it. I know it sucks your friends drifted off, but there are opportunities to make new ones. If you just complain and don't do anything about it, you'll still be in exactly the same place with no friends.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately friends come and go.

  10. #19
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    I agree, TinyDance. The onus is not on OP's friends to find him a mate or try to get him set up. Most of my friends have no idea what I'm into (at least, what I used to be into) in the past and I wouldn't let them set me up with anyone because I don't trust them in this way. Ultimately, you are the judge of knowing what's right for you and if you want a partner, you have to find them.

    If it makes you feel any better, some of your coupled friends (not all, but some) will be divorced in due time anyway. You can be the much-needed escape for them on occasion, on their designated kid-less weekends.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    I agree, TinyDance. The onus is not on OP's friends to find him a mate or try to get him set up. Most of my friends have no idea what I'm into (at least, what I used to be into) in the past and I wouldn't let them set me up with anyone because I don't trust them in this way. Ultimately, you are the judge of knowing what's right for you and if you want a partner, you have to find them.

    If it makes you feel any better, some of your coupled friends (not all, but some) will be divorced in due time anyway. You can be the much-needed escape for them on occasion, on their designated kid-less weekends.
    So true. Many of my coupled friends had promised a friend of theirs that they would 'fix him up' with me. But once they raised the idea me, I kindly explained that I don't do fix ups. If they wanted to host a party or event where I could meet their friend unencumbered by expectations, then I'd be happy to attend. Otherwise, the pressure of performing to everyone's hopes was not something I was willing to take on.

    So beyond hosting something where a given guy and I could meet and organically opt to bond--or not, the couple who volunteered me without my consent was left with zero to report on whatever promises they'd made to their friend.

    OP, from this experience I'd avoid targeting your friends as your matchmaker and understand that they cannot volunteer another person to live up to their ideals.

    You can either fault them for their intentions, or you can figure out how that serves you in any way.

    And BTW--nobody wants to hang out with anyone holding a chip. It's not something spoken, just felt--and it's a real turn off.

    Choose your attitude wisely, and take adult responsibility for forming new friendships. You will thank yourself later.

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