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Thread: How to stay healthily single after a breakup?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think its generally smart to recognize a big change happened for you and to give yourself time.

    I wouldn't put a time on it though. I'd recognize maybe I'm a little more unsure of how to navigate and put a little more thought into my next steps to make sure my reasons are good and work toward acheiving my goals.

    I wouldn't want to use anyone or my own pain as an excuse to do selfish things. I think being kind to oneself and slowing down is good for our mental health. It allows your brain and heart time to process and heal. Focusing on what truly matters to you will naturally define the actions required.

    I know a FWB sounds like a good idea. Just be cautious because it can lead to transferring love and affection to a new person, but its not real, can be very confusing and cause more damage.

    Be careful and always practice safe sex with one night stands. STDs are rampant because everyone on line is having one is having sex with everyone.... know that.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Hello! You inspire me to think of my start-over days. Two of the most helpful shifts that I made involved viewing happy couples through a lens of inspiration rather than competition, and ditching ideas about FWBs as anything beyond messy kid stuff--with 'mess' being a key word.

    The first was important because seeing the successes of others doesn't mean that there's less success available for me. It's not a piece of pie. If I want to aspire toward success in anything, then surrounding myself with people who are good models in those areas is a great learning device--not something to envy and avoid.

    The second is just practical. I figured out that sex is bonding for me. So doesn't it follow to use care and intelligence in selecting who, exactly, I'll want to bond WITH? It makes no sense to deny my nature to pretend that I don't want what I DO want as I mess around with people who have zero capacity or desire to give it to me. That's just an egotistical game of "Let's see if I can make him want me..." and it can come with consequences, some of which are permanent.

    Instead, I got clarity about myself as being relationship material. Maybe not today, but it's my goal. So how would playing in a sandbox of pretense that I'm cut off from the neck up benefit me? Empty sex is...empty. So why not get more privately creative than using other people as masturbatory devices?

    Once I got clear about what I DO want, it became relatively simple to align myself with people and behaviors that promote that, while avoiding those that sabotage it.

    If you're clear that your goal is to be eventual relationship material, then decide what that looks like. Then begin the work of becoming that person. If it means growing into someone who has found private interests and passions and confidence in your judgment and an ability to form friendships with like-minded people, then you support your own vision and your aspirations.

    If you are not clear about your goals, then engaging people and behaviors that end up making you feel lousy and lost just takes the long road and the hard way to gaining clarity by learning what you DON'T want.

    Head high, and write more if it helps.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, so you are going on casual dates. That's fine, but why not pace yourself. Just enjoy some company and scale back on drinks. Have a handful of fun safe places to go and things to do.

    Actually, after breaking free from an abusive relationship, it may be a sense of freedom to just let loose and be a little reckless after dealing with all that control and fear.

    So take a deep breath, retool, regroup and rethink. Start with social media updating, rid yourself of dead weight, reset all your privacy settings, post a few new nice pics and comments.

    Join some interesting groups or clubs. etc. If you want casual dating, do the same on those apps, nice pics, nice profile, etc. But his time go on fun dates, not regrettable ones. Plan ahead for 'bad nights' so you have something lined up or something to do with friends.
    Originally Posted by Roadtoheal
    Admittedly I have been on a couple of dates for casual sex... and had two one night stands. Never saw or spoke to the guys again, they ghosted me actually (after they realised what I drunk mess I was and that I slept with them on the first date)

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I think its generally smart to recognize a big change happened for you and to give yourself time.

    I wouldn't put a time on it though. I'd recognize maybe I'm a little more unsure of how to navigate and put a little more thought into my next steps to make sure my reasons are good and work toward acheiving my goals.

    I wouldn't want to use anyone or my own pain as an excuse to do selfish things. I think being kind to oneself and slowing down is good for our mental health. It allows your brain and heart time to process and heal. Focusing on what truly matters to you will naturally define the actions required.

    I know a FWB sounds like a good idea. Just be cautious because it can lead to transferring love and affection to a new person, but its not real, can be very confusing and cause more damage.

    Be careful and always practice safe sex with one night stands. STDs are rampant because everyone on line is having one is having sex with everyone.... know that.
    Thanks for the advice, I agree re FWB relationship. This is a good reminder for me, for all past FWB relationships that never ended well.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Hello! You inspire me to think of my start-over days. Two of the most helpful shifts that I made involved viewing happy couples through a lens of inspiration rather than competition, and ditching ideas about FWBs as anything beyond messy kid stuff--with 'mess' being a key word.

    The first was important because seeing the successes of others doesn't mean that there's less success available for me. It's not a piece of pie. If I want to aspire toward success in anything, then surrounding myself with people who are good models in those areas is a great learning device--not something to envy and avoid.

    The second is just practical. I figured out that sex is bonding for me. So doesn't it follow to use care and intelligence in selecting who, exactly, I'll want to bond WITH? It makes no sense to deny my nature to pretend that I don't want what I DO want as I mess around with people who have zero capacity or desire to give it to me. That's just an egotistical game of "Let's see if I can make him want me..." and it can come with consequences, some of which are permanent.

    Instead, I got clarity about myself as being relationship material. Maybe not today, but it's my goal. So how would playing in a sandbox of pretense that I'm cut off from the neck up benefit me? Empty sex is...empty. So why not get more privately creative than using other people as masturbatory devices?

    Once I got clear about what I DO want, it became relatively simple to align myself with people and behaviors that promote that, while avoiding those that sabotage it.

    If you're clear that your goal is to be eventual relationship material, then decide what that looks like. Then begin the work of becoming that person. If it means growing into someone who has found private interests and passions and confidence in your judgment and an ability to form friendships with like-minded people, then you support your own vision and your aspirations.

    If you are not clear about your goals, then engaging people and behaviors that end up making you feel lousy and lost just takes the long road and the hard way to gaining clarity by learning what you DON'T want.

    Head high, and write more if it helps.
    Thanks for this advice, this was inspiring to read and gives me the motivation to remain positive about my single status. Along with remembering how crappy I felt with the aftertaste of being discarded once a casual date got what they wanted, sex.. in return it was just that, empty sex, that I realise going without is far more beneficial on me emotionally than being tied up in all these casual relationships and rebound hook ups, just to end up feeling crappy afterwards.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok, so you are going on casual dates. That's fine, but why not pace yourself. Just enjoy some company and scale back on drinks. Have a handful of fun safe places to go and things to do.

    Actually, after breaking free from an abusive relationship, it may be a sense of freedom to just let loose and be a little reckless after dealing with all that control and fear.

    So take a deep breath, retool, regroup and rethink. Start with social media updating, rid yourself of dead weight, reset all your privacy settings, post a few new nice pics and comments.

    Join some interesting groups or clubs. etc. If you want casual dating, do the same on those apps, nice pics, nice profile, etc. But his time go on fun dates, not regrettable ones. Plan ahead for 'bad nights' so you have something lined up or something to do with friends.
    Thanks for the advice, thatís a really good point. Also great suggestion re clubs and groups, Iím going to work on finding things to keep me busy.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Roadtoheal
    Thanks for this advice, this was inspiring to read and gives me the motivation to remain positive about my single status. Along with remembering how crappy I felt with the aftertaste of being discarded once a casual date got what they wanted, sex.. in return it was just that, empty sex, that I realise going without is far more beneficial on me emotionally than being tied up in all these casual relationships and rebound hook ups, just to end up feeling crappy afterwards.
    I started associating the word 'casual' with 'disposable,' and this is a great screening device.

    When you decide that you are relationship material, you'll raise your bar on screening OUT anyone who's reasons for dating don't align with yours.

    There's nothing heavy about a profile that specifies exactly what you're looking for. Plenty of people are dating to find true simpatico with one who shares their vision of a future with a committed partner.

    So there's no need to market to the masses. When you're only looking for 'one' RIGHT person, why waste your time entertaining people who don't know what they want or who aren't seeking the same things you are?

    Once you ditch posers who believe that playing it cool is attractive, you'll be true to yourself AND you'll start meeting people who are honest and real. Those are your mentors. Self honesty is a life skill that starts with a decision. So befriend people who've got that down, and the rest becomes simple.

    I realize that simple and easy aren't the same things, but simple is at least easiER. De-cluttering your outlook of adolescent attitudes and perceptions in favor of the mature picture that you can actually 'see' for yourself means dropping an unproductive--and unnecessary--misery-go-round.

    Once you do that, it's a direct ascent from there, and you'll thank yourself.

    Head high.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    IMO.. you've got a ways to go in your 'healing'.
    You have some wounds that will take time- and may be more than just a year. You don;t know how long it will take, to not feel lonely.. to not feel damaged.. to not feel like you are nothing, etc.

    Often, as we work through our pains and acceptance, etc ( grieving stages), we may need some professional help to work through these times & emotions. Especially if we've been damaged. ( Mentally, emotionally etc),
    And one of the worst things to do is think on jumping into another relationship- get involved again.

    Because you know you are far from ready, so don't bring anyone else into it at this time in your life.

    You need to learn to be happy again.. be okay again as you are. NOT with feelings that you NEED to be with someone to feel good. - that is normal part of withdraw and something you were so used to for a good few yrs,

    Some people you may realize on here are okay & have been, being on their own for 5-10 yrs.
    Try not to feel as if you should be involved all of the time, never anything wrong with being single for a while. It is just your adjustment period and healing- and that is okay.
    Find yourself again,

    hang with friends.. get out there & live again.
    Get into a hobby.. or something you used to enjoy, but lost it during this last phase of your life.

    One day at a time... focus on you! <3

  10. #19
    It is okay to suffer from pain and misery. Everyone has to go through this one day or the other but as the mystic always say, you have to be stable enough for any changes externally to not affect your internal conscience.

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