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My girlfriend hates my parents and it's killing me and coming between us.


Tiedye

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Hello,

 

I never really done anything like this before, I'm honestly very desperate and seriously in need of some good advice. I'll try make the story as straightforward as possible but details are quite important I feel.

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years, and we are very much in love, we were living together at university, this goes back to when coronavirus was just being heard of around Europe and my mum and dad decided to come visit us just before there was an outbreak in the UK. My girlfriend went to visit her parents too. She then messages me whilst she's home saying that she's upset because she thought my parents were avoiding her as they'd come up purposely on a day when she wasn't there. This isn't true at all as they'd simply come up that day as it was the last day they have available off work before the (at that time rumoured) lockdown date. The same reason she'd gone home that day to see her parents.

 

I explained to her no no my parents wouldn't avoid you they have absolutely no reason to they've always adored her and tried to include her with everything, they invite her everywhere and to be honest it always seemed they liked her more than me.

 

It was during this conversation she proceeds to mention that she thinks my parents hate her because one time my mums mum (my gran) made a joke that when she was a little girl (she's 70 now) she used to walk past my girlfriends old school and think they're all posh because it's a private school. In my opinion this was meant as a joke for one and secondly she's using it against my parents.... I tried to explain this and she won't listen to me she keeps saying that they think the same, which one it was a joke about the kids that went there 60 years ago, two it wasn't even my parents..... You get the idea

 

My girlfriend also doesn't like driving on the motorways, and has never done it. Every once in a while my mum asks if she's driven on the motorway yet and my girlfriend always says no. One time my mum proceeded to tell a story that she once driven on the motorway the day she got her first car. My girlfriend also brought this up during the conversation I was talking about earlier. Saying my mum thinks she's stupid for not being able to drive on a motorway.

 

So that conversation ended I reassured her that my parents love her and that she has nothing to worry about and if there's ever any reason presents it self again I will speak to them about it.

 

We then move back in with our parents now we're allowed to again after lockdown, she moved with hers I moved with mine. This was always the plan for summer at uni.

 

2 days ago I won an award. I was at my girlfriends house at the time and she didn't seem that pleased to be honest.... I thought she'd be happier for me especially as I actually said to her this is one of my proudest moments of my life, she just was like eh well done kind of thing. But my mum called me up made a massive fuss was very very proud posted it all over Facebook ect.... I felt good.

 

So I come home yesterday to my parents with my girlfriend and my mum had bought me some sweets and got me a card and everything and she says to my girlfriend "you didn't win an award did you?" I can see how this can come across wrong but she did it because she was making a fuss and giving me a card and sweets and didn't want her to feel left out.

 

My girlfriend took massive offence, she didn't confront her instead waited until we were upstairs, then started crying, ignoring me, and saying it's ridiculous and that she's going home and never coming back. I tried to stop her and assure her it's okay we can talk though this but Sure enough she went home.

 

Since then she's spoken to her mum and convinced her that my mum is some kind of demon and now her parents told her that she never has to come back here and they won't support her even if she did.

 

She made me tell my mum that she was upset by the comment, even though deep down I knew that my mum had no bad intentions, my mum was very upset and couldn't believe what had happened. My mum wanted to contact my girlfriend but she wouldn't let her.

 

Now she's fallen out with me because I said that I want to resolve this and try to avoid burning bridges but she's saying I'm not listening to her and not sticking up for her against "the bully" meaning my mum....

 

I don't know what to do she's saying I don't need to pick sides and saying I can still like my mum but she refuses to ever see her ever again.....

 

It feels like she's forcing me to pick sides but without saying it. And I also feel teamed up on by her mum and dad. As they also now think my mum is some kind of demon.

 

Someone please help me..... What do I do, what can I say. I love her to pieces but her hating my family is giving me serious anxiety.

 

 

So sorry this post was so long

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She seems to have an inferiority complex and is lacking in maturity. I don't doubt your family or parents pick up on that.

 

What you can do:

 

Communicate clearly with your girlfriend about where you stand and don't be afraid of stating your opinion where it comes to your parents and what you think. I think you've been the peacekeeper for awhile. Start communicating what you want instead of sitting on the fence.

 

She may be irritable with you because you don't seem to have a mind of your own and are afraid to speak your mind. Speak up. Tell her that your family is important to you and there is no reason for your parents to dislike her. She's not forced to any family gatherings if she can't pull herself together but she is invited. Communicate what matters to you in a relationship - togetherness, family time, no grudges, no resentment and no anger issues. You can ask her what's on her mind and talk openly between the both of you what's reasonable or unreasonable, fair or unfair, what your different opinions are. Start speaking up more clearly and effectively.

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Congrats on your award!

 

Your gf sounds terribly immature and perhaps has some sort of persecution complex to over react the way she does. You should not have to choose between your mom and your gf. I do think you need to be more vocal with your gf, tell her what you think about all of this as it truly is ridiculous.

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How do you communicate difference in opinion in this scenario. Everytime I try to explain that I don't think my mum was being nasty and irs just the way she is and it's a miss understanding, she gets angry with me and starts saying I'm taking her side and don't understand how upset she is. But I do understand how upset she is, but I'm trying to explain to her and fix this.

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Any chance your girlfriend is just looking for reasons to end this relationship and blame you?

 

I don't think so, I feel if she wanted me gone she's not the type of person to play games. Same reason why one thing happens and she goes from fine with my parents to never ever speaking to them again...

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Sorry to hear that. It may not work out with this girl, but at some point you'll have to cut the apron strings and ask your mother to stop pushing your GF s away. Are you an only child?

 

I have a younger sister but she's very focused on what's she's doing and never interested in relationships.

 

The way it is right now was this morning I said to my girlfriend hey let's just start again let's stop all the anger and frustration we have with each other and just let me listen to you, and then afterwards you can listen to me and hopefully we can build upon that.

 

She wasn't interested she told me to f**k off and said she's not having it anymore she said she's done nothing wrong and doesn't want to talk to me because she's out with her mum and busy.

 

I then said okay understood maybe when you get back we could have a talk then.

 

She said it's ridiculous and leave her alone.

 

I then have left it by saying that I'm going to take time to heal and think and hope that she should do the same. I said that hopefully time will bring us back together.

 

Have I done the right thing? I care about her and want to resolve this but it's making me so anxious and upset. I feel that if she doesn't even want me to listen to her then she's not interested at all right? How long do I leave it before saying something else, and if she says something then should I reply? Or give it time?

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Thanks all for your responses. I'm hoping she'll come forward and appologise for the way she spoke to me, I understand she's upset with my mum but I'm sure you agree that shouldn't effect the way she treats me especially when I'm trying to help.

 

Thanks all for your opinions and responses I've felt very alone through this I don't even have many friends.... So you all have no idea how nice it is to speak to someone.

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Sorry to hear that. She is upset with you and your mother. Mostly you. Just leave her be. You and your mother never apologized to her, so don't expect apologies from her.

 

She was unnecessarily nasty to you. She spoke to her friends and family about you and your mother and it seems they agree it's best that you part ways.

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I don't think so, I feel if she wanted me gone she's not the type of person to play games. Same reason why one thing happens and she goes from fine with my parents to never ever speaking to them again...

 

Re-read your own posts in this thread - she is exactly this type of person.

 

She wants to break up and she doesn't have the maturity to respectfully end it, so she's manufacturing drama to make it all your fault.

 

This girl is an immature like punk, OP. Let her stay gone. You can do a lot better than this.

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Thank you all, I think it all escalated too far to fix now. So I'm out. I feel my anxiety about it all lifting already. I've not give it proper closure yet but mentally I'm out right now I'm waiting until I calm down before getting closure because it's going to be very messy cleaning this all up. We have shared contract on house and everything in it. Ect ect

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How do you communicate difference in opinion in this scenario. Everytime I try to explain that I don't think my mum was being nasty and irs just the way she is and it's a miss understanding, she gets angry with me and starts saying I'm taking her side and don't understand how upset she is. But I do understand how upset she is, but I'm trying to explain to her and fix this.

 

It appears there's a lot of resentment between the two of you and it might have been simmering under the surface for awhile. These instances are terrible and verbally abusive but she doesn't respect you possibly for her own reasons. We only have one side of the story here.

 

Stay true to yourself and stop chasing after her.

 

The issue with your conversation above is that it's not a misunderstanding. Your girlfriend is showing you that she doesn't like and doesn't want to see your mum's perspective. No one is misunderstanding anyone. They just don't agree. You haven't come to terms with the fact that they don't get along and there are no misunderstandings about that.

 

It takes two people to come together and meet in the middle. If your girlfriend can't do that out of respect for you and your family, there's nothing much else to say or do. She's made her decision and it may be backed by countless other mini-decisions along the way that have resulted in this much resentment over time. Look at the whole picture, not just individual incidents. This is no mistake and it's no misunderstanding. I think she may be irritated with you for not realizing that she's as clear as she'll ever be. Sadly, this is a very negative situation for you. Count your blessings that it's gotten to this point. Hopefully you can put this behind you and respect her choices also.

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Your ex girlfriend sounds like she has an inferiority complex and like the kind of person who creates unnecessary drama. People like that are toxic and tend to suck the energy out of their partner. Do NOT get back together with her. No decent human being would try to alienate you from your family. It's usually toxic people who pull such crap and it's on you to uphold your boundaries in such occasions. Imo, creating such unnecessary drama with your family should be viewed as a relationship dealbreaker.

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Congrats on the award!

 

Your gf sounds ridiculous, and I would bet this goes beyond your family. How is she with your friends? Does she have any friends of her own?

 

You need to stop playing the doormat by trying to fix this. You and your mother did NOTHING wrong. Stop reaching out to her. She needs to come to you with an apology. I seriously think you should move on from her, as she is toxic.

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So I come home yesterday to my parents with my girlfriend and my mum had bought me some sweets and got me a card and everything and she says to my girlfriend "you didn't win an award did you?" I can see how this can come across wrong but she did it because she was making a fuss and giving me a card and sweets and didn't want her to feel left out.

 

^^This is the only thing your family did that was rude and callous. I mean, i think your mom inquired as to not leave the GF out in the congrats if she had, but it came across as super really really bad.

 

Other than that, I think your girlfriend is insecure and out to look for slights. You are better off without her. Because she will keep doing this and to keep the peace, you will end up agreeing not to see your family at all.

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CongrAts on your award. Unfortunately, GF sounds like an azz.

 

I'd ask myself whether I want an adult partner or a social work client for a GF, because this sounds like someone who can only bring chaos, hardship and problems with your family into your life rather than love and support and joy.

 

I'd tell anyone who went accusatory about my family that these people are beloved parts of my package, and I won't tolerate any strife over them. Partner is either adult enough to manage a good relationship with my loved ones, or not. If not, then I choose the peaceful and harmonious relationships with my family over anyone who wants to toxify that for me.

 

Head high, and choose wisely.

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Sorry, but your gf is a jerk. Very immature and very drama driven.

 

You explained each situation and told her that your gran and parents meant no harm and even went further to explain to her how it was meant, she still threw a tantrum.

 

At this point, you're embarrassing yourself for staying with such a spoilt brat. Until she grows up, she's only going to cause more trouble.

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She wasn't interested she told me to f**k off and said she's not having it anymore she said she's done nothing wrong and doesn't want to talk to me because she's out with her mum and busy.

 

What an ass. She is too far up her own butt to care about anyone's feelings but her own. Do yourself a favour and dump her. She's acting high and mighty and yes, SHE'S the problem.

 

Tie, you're a great guy, you are going places and are doing well in school. You have a decent future to look forward to. You don't need this girl. She treats you badly and talks to you badly.

Don't let someone degrade you like that. You are worth so much more! It might take time to heal from this break up and maybe a bit more time still to find another girl, but you deserve someone who is so much nicer to you and loves you properly.

 

I hope you allow yourself that. You've got a good heart and by the sounds of it, so does your family. I am sorry this girl is being so judgemental and cruel.

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Hey. Sorry to hear this. I'm in a similar situation, in her place. All I can say is, you need to try to be as objective as possible. If my MIL came to me and said "you didn't win an award, did you?" I would be incredibly angry, and if my bf told me "she didn't mean it" I'd be twice as mad lol. Try to see it as cold hearted as you can, without sugar coating your gf nor your mom. Sometimes people we love can do pretty ugly things and we just refuse to see it. I'm not saying your parents mean it, but just think that there's a possibility they do.

 

Perhaps you can make your gf feel safer by listening to her and try to not make her feel as if you're against her, but make her feel like you're taking her side and protecting her. Instead of saying "no she didn't mean it" you could try "I can't believe she said that, I'll talk to her". This way she'll know that you're taking care of the issue and acknowledgning how she feels, so she lets her guard down. If you don't "take care" of what she perceives as a problem, then she will feel that she needs to do it instead. It is your family, so if she feels that you are taking it seriously and mediating, instead of just giving your parents credit and silencing her, she will probably feel better.

 

Hope it helps.

 

Edit: I just read the comments, sorry about the breakup. I do have to say, however, that I don't think it's ok how many people are judging her. That's why I don't erase my initial advice. There are always two sides on the story, and I can very clearly understand hers.

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