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Thread: The second time around was more heartbreaking :(

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2019

    The second time around was more heartbreaking :(

    My boyfriend of over a year and I broke up a couple days ago (he was the dumper)-he told me he felt we were growing apart (even though I thought we were growing closer) and once I asked him to try and make it work he mentioned he was leaving. He said he was close to getting a job out of state and be closer to his family. I was completely blindsided because months ago he had mentioned it his brother was trying to get him a job out there but in my mind I always thought he would like to do long-distance or heck even move in together-when I mentioned these things he simply said ďIím not ready for that and I donít want to do long distance.Ē Which tells me he was done with the relationship and I was so hurt, hurt because he never mentioned to me that he felt we were growing apart. The days leading up to the break up he wasnít acting out of the ordinary or anything until the day of.

    Iím completely heartbroken as I thought he was going to be the one I would spend the rest of my life with.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately the relationship was troubled.

    My advice about him remains the same.

    [Register to see the link]

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    As an outsider, it looks like he was concealing a lot from you. Go back to the idea of being blindsided and how this happened now a second time around.

    There is something to be said about the element of surprise in break ups. What do you think were his reasons for keeping his innermost thoughts and emotions from you?

    Since he has blindsided you now more than once with surprises, even if you were to stay together somehow, why would you? Wouldn't you be disturbed by the history of your relationship and what your dynamic as a couple is? I think you've dodged a bullet.

    When someone shows you what they are, even if you think or believe they were something else, look straight at what they're showing you instead. This isn't really the stuff of fairytales but it is real life. Look hard at what someone really is by what he/she is showing you. Don't be fooled anymore by what you think he is.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Back in October, after discovering a condom in his bag and not much of a solid explanation to back it up and him subsequently breaking up with you, you wrote this: "The more time apart we've spent the more I realized that being with him was the cause of my anxiety, therefore I am better off on my own."

    It appears you didn't listen to your gut on this one. And here we are today. Perhaps it's time to remember to trust your instincts. You knew something was right about this relationship and you knew he wasn't as invested. It's hard when you so badly want the other person to feel the same way you do, but we need to heed the cues when they don't.


  6. #5
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    This is exactly why you never go back to an ex. Once the relationship has officially ended, you should never trust them again if they try to come back. Theres a motive, and not a good one.

    Most exes dont come back to us because they finally realize our worth. Some come back only to hurt us some more. Or to settle a score, especially if you left them first. So they want revenge. They also come back to use us for sex, attention, praise and adulation, or for validation that they are still loved after their new conquests didnt work out. A man that truly loves you will never let you go. If he does, he is NOT the one and the relationship wasnt meant to be. And that's okay. The right man is still out there for you.

    Moving forward, please take time out to yourself to heal. You have to love yourself first-- really love yourself and know your own worth- before you can expect anyone else to. If you dont love and value you first- you will continue to attract abusers, users, manipulators and overall bad men. These men will only drain you and make you feel like you should be lucky to be with them- when in reality, it's quite the opposite. You're too good for them and they know it. That's why they break you down slowly with criticisms, comparisons to an ex of theirs, etc.

    This relationship is a lesson. Learn the lesson. A man will come into your life either to build you up and build with you, or to destroy you, drain you and take what he can get, or some other self serving reason. Keyword: self serving.

    This relationship no doubt has damaged you. And this is why it's so important to examine why you allowed a man to treat you that way. Who in your life made you feel that mistreatment is acceptable? A parent? Another ex? More importantly, why you allowed it. People can only do what we ALLOW. Dont let someone's dusty ass son mistreat you. Ever again.

    Once you know who you are, and what you will and will not tolerate, the type of men that you attract will change. And type of men that you like will change. Men like your ex wont even appeal to you anymore either. There are some really good men out here. There are some women out here that are really being loved, respected and valued by men who protect them emotionally and physically. Men can detect women with values, morals, self esteem and confidence. And you want a high quality man that values these things. One that will marry you and not shack up with you for years or leave you constantly.

    Please learn the lesson here dear. That relationship should have atleast taught you what you do and dont want out of a relationship, if nothing else. YOU are the prize, not him! Stop entertaining guys who feel like THEY are the prize- because you'll never be good enough for them(in their mind) and they will treat you horrifically. They stick with the women that they can be assh*les to. Dont let him come back a third time. You might not survive the devastation!!!

    It took me a lifetime of dealing with abusive, insecure, accusatory, narcissistic, predatory men before I finally tapped into my worth and said enough!! Please go to therapy if possible. It will give you a different outlook on yourself, on life, and on relationships in general. And when your ex tries to come back again, you wont even take him seriously-- you'll laugh to yourself and send him back down the highway to hell. Let him go lie, cheat on and abuse another woman. Dont ever let that woman be you again. Good luck to you.
    Last edited by smJackson; 07-12-2020 at 10:08 AM.

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2020
    I'd say, good riddance. The pain you're feeling now will be much easier to get over with as compared to the pain you would've felt had you gone ahead with this relationship anymore.

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Thanks everyone! Hopefully this time I learned my lesson and realize that heís no good for me that HE is the toxic one. I highly doubt heíll come back, but if he does I will have the strength to not fall for it again because heíll continue doing it.


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