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Thread: How no Contact has helped me

  1. #1
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    How no Contact has helped me

    Hey all.
    I thought i would write a post about how no contact has helped me, and the steps I'm taking to heal from what I thought at the time was a forever relationship. I hope it helps someone, if you have any advise, I would love to hear it. Thank you all.

    The start of no contact is always the hardest. Fully letting go of someone who has been a massive part of your life is hard. I was the dumpee, and didn't see it coming. I fought for her but it was over. I respected her decision and left her be.

    No contact gave me the opportunity to see things in many different ways. At first I saw how much i loved her, I felt pain that was so intense, beyond what can be described. The biggest thing I did to help myself through this period was to let myself feel. I let myself mourn, I cried, I felt the pain, I missed her, I cried some more. This lasted for 3 weeks, slowly getting easier.

    I started to see things through different eyes, the truth behind the rose coloured glasses. Yes, there were good times, yes I love her, yes I miss her, but it wasn't as beautiful as i first believed it to be. I saw the things that i had ignored, the red flags started to pop up. As things became clearer, I saw the mistakes we both made and started actively working on my faults.

    Yesterday was a break through for me. I was struggling with guilt associated with not contacting her when she wanted me to. I sent a text message (I removed her from all social media) explaining that i cannot be friends at this stage because i need to heal and move on from her and being friends wouldn't help either of us with this. I wished her happiness and good health, and said goodbye. She replied but i won't get into that as it doesn't matter. This is about moving forward from our exes! Anyway, I no longer feel guilty. I've cleaned my slate, now all that's left to do is focus on me. I have no regrets, I did all i could. I feel a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer have to drive for an hour to see her. I don't have to worry about her getting upset if i have friends. I don't have to worry about her being upset with me over silly trivial things.

    I want to admit to you all, as I have admitted to myself. I still love her, and a part of me probably always will. I miss her, she was my best friend. But trying to fight against these feelings don't help. Accept them, recognise them, and focus on loving YOU. The only person you can rely on in this life is yourself. See how strong you are for making it this far, remind yourself of how far you have have made it when the waves crash against you. Forgive them, as thoughts of hatred are still thoughts of them. Be the bigger person and work on being the person you want to be. Admit your faults and work on them. This is a time for great growth, utilize this time and make it about you.

    There was light before, and there will be light again.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    I hope that I am able to heal as you did. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  3. #3
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    I'm no where near healed, but the process of healing has begun for me. As it will for you. Just focus on you and be the best person you can be. The rest will fall into place.

    If you ever need to talk, this is a safe space for all of us healing souls. I wish you happiness.

  4. #4
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    I agree with you. Only let thing go can help us to heal. I am also at the 2th month of NC and yesterday I heard he has got his ex back for 6 weeks. He left her to me and now we broke up, he just ran back to her. So I see one more big red flag for me to move on. I were so hurt, cried for short time and also surprise that after all crying I feel so light likes lifted off the weigh on my shoulder. Still sad but much less than before. But I know that I am healing good and hope very soon I will over him !

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AceAlice
    Hey all.
    I thought i would write a post about how no contact has helped me, and the steps I'm taking to heal from what I thought at the time was a forever relationship. I hope it helps someone, if you have any advise, I would love to hear it. Thank you all.

    The start of no contact is always the hardest. Fully letting go of someone who has been a massive part of your life is hard. I was the dumpee, and didn't see it coming. I fought for her but it was over. I respected her decision and left her be.

    No contact gave me the opportunity to see things in many different ways. At first I saw how much i loved her, I felt pain that was so intense, beyond what can be described. The biggest thing I did to help myself through this period was to let myself feel. I let myself mourn, I cried, I felt the pain, I missed her, I cried some more. This lasted for 3 weeks, slowly getting easier.

    I started to see things through different eyes, the truth behind the rose coloured glasses. Yes, there were good times, yes I love her, yes I miss her, but it wasn't as beautiful as i first believed it to be. I saw the things that i had ignored, the red flags started to pop up. As things became clearer, I saw the mistakes we both made and started actively working on my faults.

    Yesterday was a break through for me. I was struggling with guilt associated with not contacting her when she wanted me to. I sent a text message (I removed her from all social media) explaining that i cannot be friends at this stage because i need to heal and move on from her and being friends wouldn't help either of us with this. I wished her happiness and good health, and said goodbye. She replied but i won't get into that as it doesn't matter. This is about moving forward from our exes! Anyway, I no longer feel guilty. I've cleaned my slate, now all that's left to do is focus on me. I have no regrets, I did all i could. I feel a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer have to drive for an hour to see her. I don't have to worry about her getting upset if i have friends. I don't have to worry about her being upset with me over silly trivial things.

    I want to admit to you all, as I have admitted to myself. I still love her, and a part of me probably always will. I miss her, she was my best friend. But trying to fight against these feelings don't help. Accept them, recognise them, and focus on loving YOU. The only person you can rely on in this life is yourself. See how strong you are for making it this far, remind yourself of how far you have have made it when the waves crash against you. Forgive them, as thoughts of hatred are still thoughts of them. Be the bigger person and work on being the person you want to be. Admit your faults and work on them. This is a time for great growth, utilize this time and make it about you.

    There was light before, and there will be light again.
    Awesome , inspiring....keep going forward!
    best wishes Alice.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Nice post, Alice.

    My only advice, to take or discard as you see fit, is to be mindful about trying to corral everything into a tidy narrative: bad stretch, good stretch, breakthrough, and so on. I recall a moment during my last serious wrestle with heartache, which really resonated with me, so I'll share it with you...

    I was something like two months out, still quite wobbly but doing okay, and a friend called to check in on me. When she asked how I was, I said, "Great! I've really turned a corner over the past week!" She laughed, affectionately, a person who knows me well and has known me a long time. Then she said, "BC? You'll have turned a corner when you stop being obsessed with turning corners."

    Fortune cookie stuff, I know. But it landed, right away, and continued to land over the next few weeks, months: not just in terms of processing the loss, but as a good way to live. Less reactive, less self-judgmentally, more fluidly. Along with helping me navigate the potent emotions of that time—the bad stretches that followed the good, the emotional fog that descended after an emotional breakthrough—it also helped me navigate my ship long after that stretch.

  8. #7
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    Thank you for your words BC.
    I agree with them. Your friend is right. You are right. Right now I'm not at that stage, and i see that. I accept that. I've come to realise that mourning is not a straight path, it's twisted, foggy, and full of back steps. It's also full of forward steps, brighter days, and an opportunity to grow.

    I've always been a very black and white person, but accepting that nothing really fits into anything (if that makes sense) is helping me to let go of the control aspect of a break up. I can't fully control how i feel, but i can control what i do, and in turn push towards better feelings.

    I'm still in the storm, and i know ill hit some bad waves, but eventually I'll get through the storm into calm waters. No matter how long I need to take to get through the storm, I'm gonna make it through. Instead of worrying about each wave, I'm going to hold on tight and let this crazy ride do it's thing. I can't control the waves, and accepting that has made a great difference in my life.


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