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Thread: Feeling Empty. I Really Want my Ex Back

  1. #1
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Feeling Empty. I Really Want my Ex Back

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for a year. I literally cry everyday, I cannot stop thinking about him. I feel physically sick, and things haven't eased up at all since the breakup. I know that when a breakup happens, you should take it seriously and assume that its over for good. But I am holding on to hope because I love him. This is the first man that I (sort of) lived with. The first man I saw a future with. I wanted more time with him..

    Here is our last conversation dated 06/13:

    Me: So, just to confirm. You're okay with salvaging a friendship.. just as long as we both have a mutual understanding that it's just that and nothing more?

    Him: Yes we can be friends

    Me: So there is absolutely no chance for us at all?

    Him: I don't know. I need time.

    Me: Okay, I respect that. And honestly, I need time too. But if you feel in your heart that there is no chance, please say that. My love is reserved for you until you say otherwise. Have a good night, take care of yourself

    Him: You too

    Before that text message, I called him and we stayed on the phone for about 2 hours. He still has some of my things, we have not yet made arrangements for me to pick them up. I told him that I didn't want things to be done between us, but he assured me that things are in fact over. I told him that we did not exhaust all options, and that maybe time away is a good thing for the both of us. I asked for us to reflect and maybe ease back into things later. He told me that he doesn't see that happening and if it did, it would be in the distant future...I haven't been in contact with him for 19 days. I am willing to correct my downfalls and work on myself so that I can be a different (better) person if I ever get a chance. But if I don't... how long should I wait before I ask if things are final?

    Here is a little more context:
    He was emotionally withdrawn. I was full of love. I gave it my all. We were together for a year, in that year, he never told me that he loved me. I asked him why he didn't love me, and he told me it's because he did not feel that strongly for me but he's emotionally slow and feelings for him takes time. My heart shattered. I always felt like his second choice compared to his ex. He was with her for 3 years and wanted to marry her, but she didn't so they walked away from one another. I came into the picture shortly afterwards (about 3 months after). I felt like his heart was somewhere else. And no matter how many times I questioned him, he told me I was not a rebound and the only people who matter in our relationship is us. He told me that he no longer had feelings for her. He "buried" those feelings long ago. Yet he would stay in contact with her. I was extremely self conscious but I tried not to let it bother me.. but it did, and I could not relax in our relationship. I kept wanting to have conversations about our relationship to check if everything was alright, or was there something else I could be doing for us.. but apparently I brought it up so much it bothered him and he started to get annoyed with me. I was trying to make something work, but he was cold at times and when he got cold, I got anxious and irritated, and we would bicker.I am only telling you the bad part of our relationship. We had wonderful and loving times together, but my insecurities weighed heavy.
    Last edited by ConfusedLady21; 07-02-2020 at 07:24 PM.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Read all your past threads about this guy to remind you WHY it's a bad idea to hold onto hope of getting back with him.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    Read all your past threads about this guy to remind you WHY it's a bad idea to hold onto hope of getting back with him.
    If you love someone enough, isn't it worth fighting for? I am willing to put in the work to fix things.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    If you love someone enough, isn't it worth fighting for? I am willing to put in the work to fix things.
    The trouble here is that HE doesn't want to fight for YOU. He doesn't want to fix anything. That's your cue to move on. A one-sided "relationship" will never work out.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this. I think it's a given, regardless of the people and the specifics, that the first month after a breakup is just harrowing. I know that's of little comfort at the moment, but maybe just think of these emotions as waves you have to ride, rather than waves to react to, corral, or attempt to control.

    That said, I'm curious: When you write the "more context" section above, does any part of you feel that you're describing a relationship that is better off over than restarting? I'm familiar with your posting history, but putting that aside: What you just described sounds pretty agonizing, like really wanting to return to a restaurant where two out of ten meals is good, while the others result in food poisoning. A year spent in a ragged emotional state, feeling that his heart is elsewhere, that you're second fiddle to a mythic ex, your own confidence depleting by the day as your insecurities simmered and boiled—well, that's just a lot of turbulence. I get that there were some wonderful and loving times—there always are—but even those were with a man who didn't love you.

    So while I understand that the void of loss sucks—believe me, I've been in it a few times—what I'm not quite understanding is the instinct to resume all that.

    But as for your question of when to ask if things are final? I think you've already asked it, and gotten an answer. He wants time, lots of time, likely indefinite time, and has been pretty clear that his head and heart are not focused on getting back together. And you've been honest with him too: that you still have love "reserved" for him. If love is something that requires the input of another to stay activated—as I believe it does—I think there is a time limit to how long you can keep that door open. Whether he reaches out before it does—well, time has that answer, but in the meantime I'd spend these hard moments working on yourself, reflecting.

    You may find, in doing so, that the door you very much hope he'll walk through is one best left closed, for you.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Capricorn3, bluecastle.
    As always I appreciate your input. I just never experienced unrequited love before and this is a special kind of pain to go through. How should I approach getting the rest of my things back? Is it even worth salvaging a friendship? I actually like him and would like to have him in my life even if it's just friendship.

  8. #7
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    Is it even worth salvaging a friendship? I actually like him and would like to have him in my life even if it's just friendship.
    I think that would be a huge mistake. You can't be friends with someone you love, and even worse, with someone who does NOT return those feelings. It's like beating a dead horse. All it results in is pain for YOU. Why put yourself through that agony? Have you got such low self-esteem that you'll chase after a man who is not interested in you? It's sad.
    Have you ever considered therapy to help you through this?

  9. #8
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    I think that would be a huge mistake. You can't be friends with someone you love, and even worse, with someone who does NOT return those feelings. It's like beating a dead horse. All it results in is pain for YOU. Why put yourself through that agony? Have you got such low self-esteem that you'll chase after a man who is not interested in you? It's sad.
    Have you ever considered therapy to help you through this?
    I am currently in therapy. Yes, my self esteem is low. My confidence is lost. I am working on it, trying to find myself. This relationship didn't help. I told him from the beginning that I was not prepared for a relationship (because I knew I had things to work on).. and he asked me if I wanted to let an opportunity pass me by because I wasn't ready. Didn't take much convincing from him because I wanted him. I just think so highly of him... and I feel so broken being settled for THEN broken up with

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    Is it even worth salvaging a friendship?
    I second Capricorn.

    At this stage, at least, what you're calling friendship isn't really that, as I think you know. Regardless of this man's positive qualities, and regardless of the good times shared over a year, it really doesn't seem that he brought out a lot of goodness in you. I recall a pre-him thread of yours, about a crush on a "silver fox." While that wasn't the healthiest things—and, who knows, maybe a preview to this—there was a verve and buoyancy to your writing there, while my impression in your later posts, about this guy, was that of a light bulb dimming, the filament cracking.

    Rather than think of that as some personal shortcoming, I hope you can just see it as a kind of chemistry experiment, the kind where the beaker shatters when both liquids are poured into it, rather than producing pretty colors. Happens. To ensure it doesn't happen again? I say use this moment to get back in touch with your light, to get it a little brighter, so you can gauge compatibility by someone who doesn't dim it, rather than valuing the dimming.

    If you really, genuinely need your things? It's simple. You text him and ask him to bring x, y, and z to work, or you ask him when's a good time to send a friend over to pick it up. But if you're looking for a way to have some contact, with the things a proxy? Be honest about that, in the vacuum of your own mind, and let the things be right where they are.

    Casualties of my last relationship? A nice grey suit, a snazzy white motorcycle helmet, and cool rug I picked up on a trip to Guatemala. Whenever I thought about getting those things back, I knew I wasn't really thinking about them. And then when those thoughts and feelings faded? It was just stuff, easily replaceable.

  11. #10
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    I'm sorry you are going through this. I was broken up with a month ago after 2 and a half years together. It's a rough ride, the worst ride to be stuck on. But you don't have to be stuck on it. You have control over you, over how you learn and grow from this experience. We all make mistakes, it's how we learn and grow as human beings. Try to focus less on what you had, and focus more on what you can have in the future.

    Right now, you're holding on to hope of something that may happen in the future, but the future is not set in stone and constantly changes. You can't change the past, but you do have control over the present, and the only thing that can change the future is the present.

    He broke up with you. A break up is a permanent end to a relationship. Whether a new relationship between the two of you can be formed in the future is up for debate. But right now, you need to focus on letting go of the past. Letting him go, and focusing on you and bettering yourself for the future is the best thing you can do for yourself. Not only will you be able to see things more clearly, but you will better be prepared for what the future holds. Work on the problems you recognise as your faults in the relationship, grow into a better person and love yourself. Be with those who support you, and really love you.

    You can't fight for something when there is nothing to fight for. He made it clear that he is done for now, maybe forever. Fight to get yourself back, fight for your happiness without this person. Fight for YOU. Happiness comes from within, not from other people.

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