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Thread: Feeling Empty. I Really Want my Ex Back

  1. #11
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    If you love someone enough, isn't it worth fighting for? I am willing to put in the work to fix things.
    But HE doesn't want to. You can't be in a relationship with him by yourself.

    This man had you feeling uncertain pretty much from day one. Do you really want to go back to that uncertainty.

    And no, you don't want to be "friends". You want to reconcile. If you truly felt friendly toward him you would be happy if he and his ex reconciled and they invited you for coffee. It wouldn't hurt you at all.

  2. #12
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I am currently in therapy.
    How long have you been going and what does your therapist say and advise you to do?

  3. #13
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    How long have you been going and what does your therapist say and advise you to do?
    My new therapist is someone who chooses her patients. I have only visited 3 times so far. One visit I had to take a lot of assessments and that pretty much took up most of my time with her that day. She is more interested in focusing on what's going on with me internally and what actions I am going to take to move forward. She tells me that his man doesn't respect me in the slightest and that since I am so dead set on trying to go back and fix things, she mentioned that it was somewhat obsessive. I don't feel like I got to talk about him much.

  4. #14
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    She tells me that his man doesn't respect me in the slightest and that since I am so dead set on trying to go back and fix things, she mentioned that it was somewhat obsessive.
    She picked up on things very quickly. Does that not tell you something?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You have to let go. It's finished. Find peace elsewhere. It'll take time so be patient with yourself but move forwards.

    I think somewhere in each of us we all know what's good for us and what isn't, including you, CL. This person wasn't good for you.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    My new therapist is someone who chooses her patients. I have only visited 3 times so far. One visit I had to take a lot of assessments and that pretty much took up most of my time with her that day. She is more interested in focusing on what's going on with me internally and what actions I am going to take to move forward. She tells me that his man doesn't respect me in the slightest and that since I am so dead set on trying to go back and fix things, she mentioned that it was somewhat obsessive. I don't feel like I got to talk about him much.
    Because this isn't really about him - it's about you. She can see this, even within just a couple visits. Stick with her; she knows what she's talking about.

    And no, friendship is a bad idea. You don't want to be friends, really. You want to be his girlfriend again. But girl, think how much it will hurt you if try to be friends and he becomes less available to you because he's met a new woman. That is what you would be setting yourself up for..

  8. #17
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I am working on it, trying to find myself.
    divert all your focus to that, its tough but happens through small steps every day.

    so exactly what is your daily routine? what are you doing to work on it? how are you trying to find yourself?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Confused:

    Therapy sessions are not for talking about someone else. That is simply a waste of time and money. Therapy is intended to put the focus entirely on you.

    "I don't feel like I got to talk about him much"

    I agree with the others that this therapist knows her stuff.

    " She is more interested in focusing on what's going on with me internally and what actions I am going to take to move forward. She tells me that his man doesn't respect me in the slightest and that since I am so dead set on trying to go back and fix things, she mentioned that it was somewhat obsessive."

    And she is right about the obsessing.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    She tells me that his man doesn't respect me in the slightest and that since I am so dead set on trying to go back and fix things, she mentioned that it was somewhat obsessive.
    Sounds like a good therapist. I know it's not fun, but ultimately I think you'll find a lot of what you think getting back together would get you by focusing on this, untangling it: this fierce desire to be with someone who doesn't respect you, this instinct to "think highly" of a man who really doesn't sound so hot and with whom you never felt secure.

    On that note, in hopes of you seeing him a bit more clearly, so you can move on to thinking about yourself: this is a guy who gravitated toward a woman (you) who straight up told him she was broken, damaged, not ready for a relationship. Think about that objectively for a moment. What's that say about him? Nothing noble. If, prior to meeting him, you looked in the mirror and saw a confident woman who was ready for the dice roll of exploring a connection, I suspect you'd have found him weak, not worth your time. Cute and charming and smart, sure, but driven by an ego that was ten times the size of his heart, and twice as fragile. Yawn.

    This is a hard moment, I know. It can also be a wonderful one for you, one that prepares you to live your 30s—and your whole life—in a way that fills you up rather than drains you dry.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    If you love someone enough, isn't it worth fighting for? I am willing to put in the work to fix things.
    Who are you fighting, him?

    He's not on the same side, honey. You can't fight someone into wanting a relationship that he doesn't want.

    how long should I wait before I ask if things are final?
    He's already told you that things are final.

    Nobody ever wants to return to the exact same relationship they had with the exact same person they've already chosen to break up with. The only shot you've got is to move forward to grow into someone who can better handle a NEW relationship on higher ground. If that's ever to be with him, it will need to be in the far-far future long after you've healed fully into someone you've become proud of.

    Hovering around in stagnation over the past is not the way to move yourself to higher ground. Higher ground is the place from which we all gain a new perspective, and we are willing and increasingly able to allow the ex to become less and less relevant.

    That's a place of healing, and it's the only place from which this man might someday become curious and possibly interested. He is the opposite of interested now, and you're clear that the constant questioning rubbed him the wrong way. So planning to question him in the future would only confirm WHY he doesn't want to reconcile.

    Head high, and focus on climbing to your own higher ground. Adopt resilience as a goal, and take baby steps in the right direction. You will thank yourself.

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