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Thread: My partners fidelity when he was married...

  1. #1

    My partners fidelity when he was married...

    Iíve been with my partner for 1.5yrs and recently found out that he had an affair in his previous marriage, which ultimately ended his marriage and they are now divorced. People make mistakes, people do the wrong things when they are not happy and stressed. So Iím not judging him. He seems very remorseful and embarrassed about his actions. My only issue is that the women he had an affair with heís still in constant contact, they text everyday.

    When I first found out I was a little upset and told him that I donít feel comfortable with him communicating with her and would appreciate if he lets her know that heís met someone and they canít communicate anymore (I donít want him to go completely cold on her but explain whatís going on).

    Itís been a month and he hasnít said anything to me so I brought it up. He said hasnít told her yet, heís trying to find the words as he doesnít like upsetting people.

    I donít know how I should feel. I personally donít think itís healthy for him as heís still holding onto the past. Iím really donít know if Iím even allowed to ask him of such actions as he didnít cheat on me. But I also feel a little sad as he seems he cares more about her feelings than mine. Itís been 4 years since the affair and I know sheís going through her divorce now. Iíve asked him if he still has feelings for her and he said absolutely none at all, he keeps texting her everyday.

    I would love to hear some advice on the matter.

    Thanks.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I hate to say it sounds like he is still with her or he would have let her go when you had an issue with it.

  3. #3
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    I could probably look past the past mistake. But it's a present mistake/situation since he's still in contact with her. I wouldn't be ok with that especially daily contact.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. Trust your judgement. He is still with her. He is supporting her though her divorce, so they will both be free and single soon.

    Guard your heart and soul. Keep in mind he destroyed a marriage for her, and now after dating 1.5 yrs he is still doing the same thing. How is your relationship overall?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Putting the specifics aside for a moment, how do you feel about him and the relationship 1.5 years in? Before all this came to light, were you feeling confident, light, all that? Did you trust his character, or have questions about it? Did you trust his commitment to you, or did you question it? Curious to hear some answers there for context.

    As for the specifics? What I'd find most unnerving, in your shoes, is that he's not really listening to you, your feelings, your needs for security. Whether that's because he's got some issues letting go of the past, some issues with being scared to ruffle feathers, or some issues handling adult matters with grace and maturityówell, all that would be a rub for me.

    Curious: Prior to this discovery, were you aware that they communicated daily?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He most definitely still has feelings for her, otherwise he wouldn't keep her so close. I mean, he was willing to destroy his marriage for her and now a days, he's willing to place her feelings above yours. So you can see who comes first here.

    He's demonstrating that he hasn't learnt anything about boundaries with other women that are not his partner and to respect his partners feelings when it comes to other women.

    He may not be cheating with her, per se, but he is having very similar behaviors. That just goes to prove that he has learnt nothing and still has the ability to cheat and remain close to women he should not.

    If nothing else, this is a huge red flag. And I think you need to decide if you're willing to invest in a cheater, because I would put money on the fact that you're going to be treated the same if not worse concerning him and other women.

  8. #7
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    Seems like he's emotionally cheating with her right now. Why is her feelings more important than yours? That's such a copout; him needing to find the right time to tell her. You're being played for a fool :/.

  9. #8
    Thanks Batya33, I feel upset that he has ignored my feelings. I know the divorce took a lot out of him emotionally. I just donít understand if you want to move forward you need to let the past go including the other woman. I donít want to nag or give him a choice but I feel like heís just going to sweep it under the carpet and I really donít want to keep bringing it up or thinking about her. He has a knack telling people what they want to here and I feel like heís doing that to me. I truly love him so Iím finding this all very hard to deal with. Thank you for listening.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you are being rather naive. Like others here, I think he's still with her. You are getting the raw end of this deal. If he wanted her gone, she'd be gone.

  11. #10
    Hi bluecastle... yes he has a few female friends that he communicates regularly. Iím not a jealous person and he has the right to talk / message friends. Understandably he lost a lot of friends through the divorce / affair. But yes I knew they were chatting and thatís how I know sheís going through her divorce now, but only found out recently he had an affair with her. In light of this information it doesnít sit well with me, but I wasnít sure if my feelings on the matter weíre justified considering the affair wasnít against me.

    Because of his divorce and that he has a young son, Iíve been taking the relationship slow. Things are good, Iíve meet the son, we hang out like a family. I visit his parents place all the time. But he does dismiss my feelings and that makes me sad. I know his son is his priority and I know his ex plays a big role but I do not believe the woman he had an affair should priority before me.

    Thank you for listening. I donít really have anyone to talk to about this. I havenít told my friends or family about his affair as I donít want them to judge him.

    Thanks.

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