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Thread: My partners fidelity when he was married...

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    He is still in contact with his affair partner and has done so BEHIND your back for 1.5 year. Plus, this is a guy who CHOSE to cheat when things got tough in his marriage. These are the things he IS capable of. Imo, whether he will treat you any better if things get tough is HIGHLY questionable. After all, so far it doesn't sound he has faced any real consequences because of his cheating behaviour.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This doesn't look so good for you.

    Do you mind me asking what qualities you like in him as a person? Is this a long term relationship or someone you see yourself with for a long time? Were you perhaps in a different place 1.5 years ago than where you are now?

    He wasn't honest with you about the breakdown of his marriage and what caused it. That's the number one concern - not his daily communications with this person. It's the fact that he appears dishonest and disillusioned about how to build sincere relationships. It could have been anything - another woman as in this case, a child you don't know about, a gambling problem, a substance abuse issue and the list goes on and on.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Deal breaker my dear. He has the morals of an alley cat.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by SmileyInLove
    Iíve been with my partner for 1.5yrs and recently found out that he had an affair in his previous marriage, which ultimately ended his marriage and they are now divorced. People make mistakes, people do the wrong things when they are not happy and stressed. So Iím not judging him. He seems very remorseful and embarrassed about his actions. My only issue is that the women he had an affair with heís still in constant contact, they text everyday.

    When I first found out I was a little upset and told him that I donít feel comfortable with him communicating with her and would appreciate if he lets her know that heís met someone and they canít communicate anymore (I donít want him to go completely cold on her but explain whatís going on).

    Itís been a month and he hasnít said anything to me so I brought it up. He said hasnít told her yet, heís trying to find the words as he doesnít like upsetting people.

    I donít know how I should feel. I personally donít think itís healthy for him as heís still holding onto the past. Iím really donít know if Iím even allowed to ask him of such actions as he didnít cheat on me. But I also feel a little sad as he seems he cares more about her feelings than mine. Itís been 4 years since the affair and I know sheís going through her divorce now. Iíve asked him if he still has feelings for her and he said absolutely none at all, he keeps texting her everyday.

    I would love to hear some advice on the matter.

    Thanks.
    Oh boy. So as soon as the affair partner is finished with the divorce, one of two things will happen
    1) they will run into eachother's arms. You are merely a placeholder
    2) They will lose interest in eachother. It was only interesting when it was illicit. But then someone else may catch his eye.

    Honestly, I would break up over this. I would not ask him to change. "i want to be in a relationship where my boyfriend is faithful and doesn't feel the need to keep women he slept with in his life. So therefore, I am going to find someone like that. bye". Its about your boundaries and self worth -- not about him. My ex communicated with someone throughout our dating and marriage until she got married. He stopped talking to her because he was not invited to the wedding and he didn't understand why. I was too dumb - they really were NOT physically seeing eachother at all due to schedules and distance so he always cajoled me into why this was okay.

    There are good men out there wondering why they can't find someone decent to date. Do not waste your time any more

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I hate to say it sounds like he is still with her or he would have let her go when you had an issue with it.
    I disagree. He would have let her go when he was emotionally ready to find a girlfriend and then looked for one rather than waiting until someone had a problem with it. He did not, so here we are

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You've invested time, energy and emotion into this and have gotten comfortable so it's understandable that you are a bit in denial about what the ramifications may be.

    However I disagree with this mindset. It's the mindset of candy-coating and unfortunately being set up as a doormat.
    Originally Posted by SmileyInLove
    People make mistakes, people do the wrong things when they are not happy and stressed. So Iím not judging him..

  8. #27
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who is still involved with a past lover, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You're learning WHY.

    I wouldn't accept the onus being on me to change someone else's behavior or relationships. Either I'm in or I'm out. I'd only be in with behavior consistent with the kind of relationship that I want to have. Anything inconsistent with that is not for me to 'fix' or demand fixing, but rather, it's my signal that this person isn't capable of offering me what I want and deserve.

    So I'd tell BF that I adore him, but I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He gets to keep his woman friend or not--that's for him to decide, but I won't compete with her. If he ever decides that he's completely free and clear of her forever and wants to pursue a committed and trusting relationship with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

    Problem solved, for me. I've left the door open to his potential change of mind, but unless that's voluntarily the case, I've liberated myself from the situation and I'm free to pursue the kind of person who will give me what I want from a relationship. Contact with a past lover is NOT that.

    Head high.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You've invested time, energy and emotion into this and have gotten comfortable so it's understandable that you are a bit in denial about what the ramifications may be.

    However I disagree with this mindset. It's the mindset of candy-coating and unfortunately being set up as a doormat.
    People who are unhappy and stressed show you who they really are. People who are unhappy and stressed change what they are doing, seek counseling, exercise, etc --- they don't cheat.

  10. #29
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I'm sure it's easier to label his cheating as a mistake, rather than facing the fact that cheating is a choice, a conscious choice. Also, if he had the time to cheat, he had the time to think about it.

    After demonstrating what he's all about, I feel he'll go on to find better ways to cover his tracks. Are you up for rolling the dice on this?

  11. #30
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    I am extremely sorry you are going through this.
    By now, if she is just an ordinary friend that had a past with your bf, than he should introduce you two. Even if it is through video call etc.
    If he doesn't, than there is a reason for it....and not a good one.
    If he was remorseful and suffered from the past, she would made him sick ...she would loose all the shine as soon as he would be caught...or during the divorce process.
    I wish I have more encouraging words

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