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I feel like there's something wrong with me and can't help myself


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This might be a very erratic post.. I have been putting off posting for awhile because I really don't know that anyone can say anything or do anything and it's hard to articulate but I want to try because this forum helped me maybe ten years ago, thought I'd try again. I'm just in a really bad place mentally, I'm off my antidepressant (I weaned off under my doctor's supervision) and I've been a mess for a month. I'm crying every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and I'm numb and bored the rest of the time. I have some good moments here and there but they feel fake and forced and I don't look forward to anything. I'm struggling all the time. My husband and I fight and I don;t know what's going to happen, things are complicated. I don't know what I'm doing or why, and I'm lonely all the time. I had it kind of together before the lockdown- I had a plan, I wanted to try for a baby this summer, and I thought life was fine. None of that stuff matters anymore. I love my husband, but he has his own mental health issues too I think, and I don't know how to not fight with him or not feel broken when we fight. And when I have crying spells lately he just seems fed up with me. I'm scared of living another several decades possibly feeling this way, I'm worried I can't do it. I don't think it's all his fault but the fighting doesn't help. I hate getting out of bed, I hate working from home, and I'm trying to give myself structure and exercise and eat well and do things but I'm finding it more and more pointless. Like I wish I could just go for a really deep sleep, there's no relief anywhere.

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Sorry to hear this. What are the fights about? Why are "things complicated"? Is marriage therapy an option for you two? Why not talk to your doctor as well as a therapist separately, it sounds like you need some support before you unravel.

 

You need to call your doctor and describe all these symptoms. Why did you stop the medication?

I'm off my antidepressant (I weaned off under my doctor's supervision)
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I presume being off medication is contributing to your feelings.

 

I take thyroid medication. I can't go off my medication without an impact on my health. Anti-depressants are the same.

 

I would recommend contacting your doctor first and go from there.

 

BTW, it's not weak to need medication. I will be taking my thyroid and BP meds for the rest of my life. I'm about to add anti-anxiety medication. And you know what? If that's what I need to live a productive and healthy life then so be it.

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Can you contact your boss and explain you'd rather work in the office or not work from home? Is this an option? You can also take your laptop or whatever else to a local coffeeshop and work there if working at home is too distracting. You need some balance and perhaps a change of scene.

 

Or, why not work from home half the day and take the laptop to a beach with wifi the other half?

 

Numb and bored sound so painful. I think you're in a funk. I don't know how much of it is chemical or mental health issues that need to be looked at by a professional. Try changing your scenery and creating better routines for yourself.

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I weaned off the medication because it's not something I want in my system if I become pregnant. I've taken the meds since I was 19 I think (I'm 30 now) and I thought I could adjust. Maybe I will still adjust- I definitely wasn't this low and hopeless before,although I've always had some sadness that I try to just ignore and distract myself from.

 

The fights with my husband... I don't know how to explain. It feels like he's always getting mad at me. I worry that he gets mad and too sensitive about things with his family too. I don't know if it's accurate to say things got worse during the lockdown because we're always home together and less busy with work? We love each other a lot for sure but lately there's more bad times than good. Counselling as a couple isn't an option- he won't. I'm looking into doing it just for myself because I've been wanting to try for awhile, just always putting it off because I'm scared it won't help. I did try when I was younger with a few therapists and no one could help me, I never knew what to say either. I'm hoping now that I'm older I could get more out of it?

 

I don't know what's real lately or what's accurate. I don't know if we're just going through a rough patch, if we're bad together or if I'm the problem. I don't know if I'm fixated on my marriage when really I'm unhappy overall? I don't know what I'm talking about honestly. I just know I don't feel right and I'm getting tired.

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I weaned off the medication because it's not something I want in my system if I become pregnant.

OP, at this stage it would be very very unwise to fall pregnant with your mental state as it is. You need to be 100% healthy, both mentally and physically to bring a baby into the world and it seems at this stage you are far from it. You say you are unhappy, low and hopeless, fights with your husband, been a mess for a month, cry all the time etc etc - NONE of which is a good place to be to get pregnant and have a baby.

 

Please see a doctor and therapist to help you sort out all of these issues before thinking about having a baby.

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You need an antidepressant. In some cases, like yours, it's not optional, it's vital.

 

I hope you can get back on one asap and also discuss with your doctor what the safest alternative would be in order to carry a child and still be treated for depression.

 

Have you ever considered adoption? Being a new mother is incredibly stressful and being as you already deal with depression, there is a high chance of you getting postpartum depression, which can be very serious.

 

I know that having your own is a first choice, but it might not be the healthiest when it comes to your mental health and how you might cope not only during your pregnancy, but afterwards.

 

You can still be a mom, but there are a lot of children out there needing a mom. It might be something worth considering.

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I should clarify that I'm holding off on wanting to get pregnant, it's just the reason I went off the meds. I had no reason to otherwise.

 

As an update, I called my family doctor to tell her what I'm experiencing and she made a referral for a psychiatrist to call me and work with me virtually. I'm trying to be hopeful.

 

I feel so uncomfortable disclosing more about my husband and the issues we have.. I don't know if I'm too sensitive and unstable or if it's him, but when we argue over things I think shouldn't be a big deal, my world feels like it's falling apart. And he threatens divorce/suggests it and then says he doesn't mean it after. I don't think he ever means it but it gets to me. We make plans for our future and have been together close to 8 years (married 2) and even though we've been happy and we take care of each other, I'm not as strong as I used to be and I feel like breaking down a lot. He keeps reminding me we'll get through this like we get through everything and that we'll be together until old age.. but in the moment it feels so chaotic. And I keep hearing that fighting is normal between couples, and we're not aggressive, but I hate conflict and I struggle to keep it together.

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You need to tell the psychiatrist about the fighting, divorce threats and other problems in the marriage and in general.

 

 

Whatever you tell a physician is confidential. A few arguments are normal but where do you "keep hearing" that this level of conflict and being this worn down from it is normal?

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I agree with Wiseman. I don't think the level of fighting and conflict that you are experiencing is normal.

 

Your personal relationships should strengthen and support you, especially through difficult times. They should not drain you, wear you down, fill you with fear, or force you to struggle.

 

I think you need to have a real Come-To-Jesus-Moment about your marriage. I think it's contributing to your currently-poor state of mental health.

 

I am glad to hear that you've put off having children, and I hope you resume your medications and therapy.

 

Seriously, talk to your therapist about this marriage. I think it's hurting you.

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I feel like bothering my family doctor again, she said the psychiatrist would call me but gave me no time frame. I'm usually patient but I woke up with my heart racing and difficulty breathing. It's not all my husband's fault, but I do feel like he needs to let things go while I go through this. He said he'll try and he tries to comfort me and say that we'll get through this and that I'm fine, but I really don't feel fine. I can't fall apart at every conflict and be blue all the time and exhaust myself interacting with people. I don't know if it's adjusting to being off my meds... my doctor said I can possibly go on a lower dose of my medication or a different one altogether. I just don't know how hopeful to be, if that's what the issue is or not. I can't even articulate properly what's wrong with me. I keep making my husband sound terrible when usually we're happy and I don't want to lose him. I just want to be happier and fight less/not fall apart when we argue. This quarantine has just been the worst time of my life, by far.

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Your doctor will not feel "bothered". It's their job to provide care.

 

If you don't feel fine you need help.

 

I am currently in treatment for anxiety and depression. There is no way I'd be able to get through this without help from medical professionals.

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Maybe a pandemic is not the best time to go off of antidepressants?

 

I agree, but I started the weaning process back in January in a decent headspace. I didn't know how things would unfold.

 

I'm hoping talking to someone could help me, or going back on a lower dose of my medication or something. I just feel desperate at times. I feel like I'm cursed by feeling so low and hopeless, but just sane enough to not do anything reckless. It's like a bottomless pit. And whatever people say about eating well, getting enough sleep, exercise and meditation- none of that is working for me. And I don't know if I'm exaggerating how bad my life is or what I'm doing really. I don't think anyone cares in particular either. My husband cares, but he thinks I can get through this with resiliency.. and I have tried sharing with my parents but my mom has her own mental health issues and I don't want to worry her. So I'm just trying to keep it together and not burst.

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I agree, but I started the weaning process back in January in a decent headspace. I didn't know how things would unfold.

 

I'm hoping talking to someone could help me, or going back on a lower dose of my medication or something. I just feel desperate at times. I feel like I'm cursed by feeling so low and hopeless, but just sane enough to not do anything reckless. It's like a bottomless pit. And whatever people say about eating well, getting enough sleep, exercise and meditation- none of that is working for me. And I don't know if I'm exaggerating how bad my life is or what I'm doing really. I don't think anyone cares in particular either. My husband cares, but he thinks I can get through this with resiliency.. and I have tried sharing with my parents but my mom has her own mental health issues and I don't want to worry her. So I'm just trying to keep it together and not burst.

 

Yes, talk with doc about a lower dose, which may really help. I'd also back off on being tough with myself, because NObody is doing fabulously right now. Even those who've never had a mental health issue before are having their fair share of stresses and troubles at this time, so it makes no sense to set a high bar only to clobber yourself for not reaching it.

 

I'm not trying to say that good company in misery is helpful, but I am letting you know that a pandemic is hardly the time to measure your mental health.

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Can you keep track of your emotions in a journal? It might be helpful to look back over a period of time and see how you're feeling ups and downs over time and how events affect you. If you are able to see a professional in the future you also have some reference for how your ups and downs are crippling you or limiting you quite a lot in your daily life.

 

If you're on medications, definitely keep a journal. I think it'll help you track the effects and how you feel.

 

Writing might also introduce some control in an otherwise powerless or helpless situation. This might help in some way too, contributing to the overall ups and downs.

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