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Thread: I dumped him... and now I want him back! Anyone have a similar story?? I'm desperate with guilt!!

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    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    I dumped him... and now I want him back! Anyone have a similar story?? I'm desperate with guilt!!

    My story is long but I would love to hear any advice! I'm SO sad and desperate with guilt!! I really want him back... but I don't know if I should simply be moving on!! A friend advised me here, so well, maybe someone can help?? Here is the story:

    When I moved away for college I met my ex boyfriend right away and started seriously dating him. We were together for 2.5 years, it was an amazing, healthy relationship, he was the perfect boyfriend, the perfect guy, did everything for me, etc... We didn't fight, my family loved him, we were together from 18-21.

    I've very casually dated other people before, but he was my first (and only) REAL boyfriend. So, after almost 3 years together, I got bored. I needed more excitement in my life, I wanted to meet other people, basically, I wasn't (or at least I thought so) in love anymore. I didn't enjoy spending time alone with him, or kissing him...etc... However, we still got along great and were best friends. 6 months before I got the courage to break-up I had gone to a summer program at UCLA for 2 months and had just experienced being alone and meeting other people (actually "falling" for another guy), which was the catalyst to me wanting to break-up with the perfect boyfriend since it didn't feel right that I could feel attracted to a new guy, even if I was in a new country.

    It was VERY scary to be brave and break-up because I was SO used to having him and his family around, specially since I' not from the city we live in and he is... We used to do everything together, he was my anchor. However, I was very determined to try new things and ended up putting an end in our relationship almost 1 year ago. I just felt like it was the right thing to do, as I could just damage our perfect relationship if I kept dragging it.

    For the first months, I was COMPLETELY happy with my new life. It was just what I had wanted, going out to parties, meeting different people, I live in a huge city (Sao Paulo) so it was great to experience the city with my friends. I'm not wild so I was just pretty much having fun with my friends and not doing anything bad. I knew my BF still really loved me and was having a hard time with the break-up, but he didn't really show it because he is VERY proud and is not the type of guy to chase someone. Also, he thought we were just having a break and that we'd be back together soon enough. For me, however, we were pretty much over, I didn't think about him at all. It was VERY weird.

    Finally, four months later he started to try to contact me and I learnt from some friends in common that he was actually quite sad because he had finally realized that we were actually over for good and that he couldn't live expecting to get back together. I was honest and told him he should move on since for now, I had no plans of getting back together. It was very friendly and caring and honest.

    Almost one month after that, one of his good friends who was dating my best guy friend told me he was almost in a relationship with a new girl. I don't know what hit me then and there but everything started to change. At first, I really believed I was only jealous and scared of losing him for good, but the more I contacted him and realized he was really trying to move on the more I grew desperate. As much as he tried to show a cold front, I knew he was very confused but still uncertain of what my real intentions were. And so was I. Because of that, I tried to see another person and let him alone for a few weeks. However, I could NOT get him out of my mind and we kept meeting up and talking on the phone and through e-mails. Finally, one day, on his one-month official anniversary with the other girl he came over to talk and we ended up kissing. He initiated it and was very passionate and it surprised me how much I actually enjoyed kissing him.

    After that night, it was the biggest emotional roller coaster ever. He couldn't decide what to do. He kept seeing me, told me he had broken up with the girl, but that still didn't know if he wanted to be with me. Weeks later I found out he was with her and with me at the same time trying to figure things out, but he was official with her, and I got really mad and told him it was finally over. When I said that, he decided to break-up with the girl for good. I gave him two days, he finally broke up with her for real.

    The weekend after, we went to the beach with ALL of his family (his parents didn't even know who his other girlfriend was) and we had a very good time. We were very much in love. We had some ups and downs after that, mainly him being a little cold and not wanting to commit 100% and me being paranoid because he had lied to me about seeing the girl but everyone (family, friends) knew we were together. We spent new years with our friends since it seemed to be best at the time and decided to become official (or break up for good) after that. He went to a huge beach city in the south of the country (Brazil), I went to Los Angeles with friends. We spoke on the phone everyday like bf/gf.

    When he came back he went over and I asked if he had spoken to the girl and he said, oh she was actually there. That was NOT a big deal because in Sao Paulo there are basically 3 places people go for new years and SO many people we know went to his beach city. However, after REALLY REALLY REALLY digging I got him to confess he kissed the girl 2 days after new years. I was SO mad, cried, etc... he told me he was drunk and didn't mean anything. In the end, we had a big argument and decided to have lunch the next day.

    During lunch and then dinner, I was being very annoying because I was SO mad... I mean it was SO hard to get past that before and he just brought it all back. It's like he actually loved having two girls after him... he used to say it was horrible and he really hated the situation, clearly, he didn't. The girl KNEW about him getting back together with me and kissed him too so I don't know what's up with that either specially since she sent e-mails to him saying about how she hated us. Anyways, the point is, he said we were fighting too much and we should give eachother space.

    At first I was on top of the situation, we met at a bar on friday and he was very sweet to me, flirty, etc... sending me texts. On monday, we exchanged e-mails but at night I called him and just cried and cried about how he lied, and promised we would get back, got my hopes up and then just kissed the girl and didn't want to get back together because was still unsure. It was very intense and basically he decided we should just give eachother space.

    I "survived" 12 days without contacting him. That was probably my biggest mistake. I learnt from friends in common that he went to a graduation party and the girl was there too and that just through me up the wall and I called. It was wrong because I did A LOT of chasing last year, I was the one who called him all the time and chased. It was the time. I broke up, I wanted him back, I needed to prove that to him. But after he kissed the girl AGAIN I should have let him chase me. However, I just COULD not NOT contact him.

    When I finally contacted him he said we should talk on Monday. I was very firm on putting a strong front and saying ok, he wants it to be over, I'm ok. However, I had A LOT of hope he'd want to be together since for months he COULD NOT end things with me. This time, however, he told me was really ready to have some space and that he didn't think he loved me in the gf/bf way anymore. (He still could NOT resist kissing me and was very surprised on how much he was attracted to me). I cried a lot and he was SO lovely and SO worried and put me to bed and said that I was the most important person in his life but that he just wanted to be alone and try other things. I said I wouldn't accept if he was with the other girl but then I said that I would try to accept his choices. I wrote him a beautiful e-mail and we were on good terms.

    I was DEVASTATED because I knew we were over. I ended up e-mailing him because I could NOT do the no contact thing and he would e-mail me back and be an absolute sweetheart to me. Helping me with work issues and what not. On Friday I came home (I live in another city) and my best friend called me saying she had just seen him in a party in Sao Paulo WITH the girl!! Gosh, I was SO mad!!! We "broke-up" Monday and he couldn't even WAIT to parade with the girl? I really believe he had NO idea my very best friend would be at that same place, he is always SO unlucky but still!! I called him and screamed and told him to forget everything because he had died for me and I didn't awknowledge his existence or what we had anymore. I'm SO upset guys because this girl is a * * * * and NOT his type!! He always said he hated girls who drink, smoke and have had SO many boyfriends and she's exactly like that!!! What is he doing with her?? He told me he's not officially with her but still, ugh, he's SO selfish why does he has to be with one, than chose the other, then go back to the one?? Seriously!!!!! Now I NEED to do the NO CONTACT!! I NEED HELP!!

    I know I should try and move on but I STILL WANT HIM BACK because I KNOW I WAS THE ONE WHO LET HIM GO LAST YEAR!!! I NEED TO STOP CONTACTING HIM AND MAKE SURE HE IS GOING TO LOSE ME THIS TIME!! OR SHOULD I SIMPLY MOVE ON? PLEASE HELP I'M SO SAD!! I CAN'T stop thinking about how last year he was SO hurt and wanted me and now I'm in this situation! Why did I let him go???? Why??



    Part 2:

    I hope everyone that replied to my post, some negatively, will read what I have to say here:

    I'm sorry if I sound spoiled or selfish, but I really have some explaining to do that goes beyond the "shallow" I dumped him, I want him back title!

    First of all, how somebody said I am not thinking about him and his feelings, but this is just ALL I have been doing. I cannot forgive myself to have put him through this last year. It is KILLING ME. It's the hardest to accept and to cope. All I know is that I was 21 and I just wanted to live something else. Selfish, horrible, and I regret that 100%! I'm living in a constant state of regret that is enabling me. All I can do is think about how he reached out to me last year and how I really did NOT care about him. I didn't dump him because of a new guy. I have met the guy 6 months before that and he was in another country. I didn't get with this guy. We didn't have a chance. I dumped him because of how much I missed feeling "in love" and "alive" and being 21 and having fun. I also broke things off because of the guilt of feeling something for someone else, which at the time, meant to me that I didn't love him enough. Was is shallow reasons? YES. Do I regret it everyday of my life for the past 4-6 months?? Hell yes!! Can I take it back?? Can I take it back that I had been in a serious almost married relationship from 18-21 and that scared me to death?? The fact that I might not live other things scared me??? The fact that I was sabotaging our relationship because I wasn't into it anymore?? Gosh, it hurts to go over this and understand my motives but I was NOT being selfish. I was trying to be true to my feelings. I was taking a risk. I was letting the best person in the world go because I didn't think he deserved what I could and was giving him at the time.

    For months I let him move on. I NEVER disrespected him! I didn't get with ANYONE. I was just being single and having fun with MY friends. No other person involved. On the times he reached out to me (sending red roses to my city on my birthday with the most beautiful letter, inviting me to go out for valentine's day, or simply saying he missed me) I TOLD him to move on. I honestly BELIEVED that was what I wanted. It's NOT simple to rationalize, I have NO idea why I felt that way. It hurts too much to remember WHY I felt SO indifferent back then.

    When I realized he was starting to move on with this girl I honestly didn't think it would end how it did. However, the more we hung out, the more I reached out to him, the more I realized I could lose him for good, the MORE I started falling in love all over again. I didn't calculate it. I really DID start loving this man again. Of course that the feeling "of losing him" might have triggered it, but NOW I am SURE that I love him. I would be ready to let go of anything, all my dreams and goals, to be with him again. I'm very ambitious and going to business school next year in a top 5 school in the US but I would give that up for him. Ironically, this fact was making me want to break up with him because when I started applying to schools he wasn't supportive.

    I understand why most people in my post seem to be on my boyfriend's size. It's a typical case of, ha, tast your OWN medicine. However, everyone who has seen me going through this understand why I'm devastated. He tagged me along for too long. He broke me. He made me lose it.

    He give me SO much hope! He made the choice, he dumped the girl, 3 months ago because he wanted to give us a chance. But he NEVER truly did!!! I know he was confused because I suddenly came back to his life, and I came back full force, without giving him ANY space. However, ultimately, it was HIS choice to tell me things like "I've been seeing this girl for 2 months but I still don't think I forgot the woman I love" or "We know who's going to suffer in this story (meaning the girl" or when we were in the beach we were COMPLETELY in love and happy and I saw it in his face and he told me "This is crazy, this feeling, it's different than anything else, it's love, I'm crazy about you"... and he was SO happy. Of course that he had moments when he was confused and I know he was and might still be scared but there were moments where he absolutely loved me. The way he held me, the way he seemed unable to let me go.

    He played with me too you know? I know it was NOT his intention, he was confused, but he made me suffer too! Just before new years we were SO together and happy and exchanged xmas gifts and his parents called me to thank the gifts I gave them and we were very hopeful for the new year and for what we could be again. He hadn't wanted to commit before new years but he give me EVERY reason to believe we would try when we got back!

    It hurt me SO much when he came over and I realized he had kissed the girl. Seriously, we suffered for 4 months and when he decided to try again with me he just goes back to her??? While calling me EVERY day and acting like he missed me??? On the NEXT day he e-mailed me saying we would probably get back together but he needed a little more time. I was UNABLE to give him time or space because I kept listening about how the girl was after him and how he might be seeing the girl behind my back!! He lied about seeing her. Then he finally told me things wouldn't work out because he wasn't into getting back together with me and 5 days later is all couply with the girl on a party with a lot of my friends??? Where's the respect for me??

    The point is, I know I'm probably MORE in the wrong and I made SO many mistakes because I let him go but what he has been doing to me these past months have been heartbreaking. He gave me hope and took it back, then gave me hope again... and he lied SO much about this other girl. I NEVER, ever, EVER lied to him when I wanted my space. I honestly did let him go. These months, however, whenever I said I was going to move on he would NOT let me and would give me hope again.

    Then, when we were finally getting back, he just pulls it away from me again??? He tries with the girl and is like, ok I love you, I don't want her. Then, he tries with me and is like, ok, I don't think I love you, lies, lies, lies and then is ALREADY with the girl again? 5 days after?? After basically cheating on me by kissing her while we were together in new years??

    Am I such a bad person here that nothing he did to me is wrong because I was the one who let him go initially? Do I have to live with this guilt forever?? Can't I feel like, maybe, he messed up now and HE might lose a girl like me, just like I risked losing him in the past? Would I be with him today if when he came back on Jan 6th I hadn't MENTIONED this girl and my insecurities?? Would I be with him now if I had been NC after that???Would I have more chances if I hadn't call him on Friday saying that I could NOT believe what he was doing??I know I have to move on, but I can't right now. I still believe in this love. Should I send him a text apologizing for acting out and then going NC starting tomorrow or should I stay NC with the whole "you are dead for me, don't count on me anymore"? We've never been broken up with me mad at him. I would ALWAYS forgive. What is more effective, the NC with he believing I'm SO upset and mad and really don't want to see him again or the NC "sorry, I need time away from you, but I still care about you deeply and understand why you did what you did"...
    Last edited by brazilgirl21; 02-01-2009 at 10:32 PM.

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    Wow this is a crazy post! I'm sure people on here will have all different advice for you.

    What I think is that he did to you exactly what you did to him a year ago. You met another guy while you were away, got a taste of the single life, and so broke up with him. At that point he was really sad and confused and wanted you back for months. You were out partying knowing you had a guy sitting in his room wishing he was with you.

    However he then got a taste of the single life too and met another girl and rediscovered the excitement of someone new. And then you started wanting him back again because you realized what you lost, and he saw the opportunity to kind of have both you and her after him. You didn't think he'd actually find another girlfriend. Am I correct with all of this? I'm kind of paraphrasing what you wrote to put it more in perspective.

    Then it seems like he didn't know what he wanted, you who his family know and who he loves dearly but also who dumped him seemingly out of the blue and he is already comfortable with, or the new girl who comes with the excitement of a new thing (don't you remember those first months?) Right now he has chosen the new girl.

    I think you should try and move on from this. I'm not saying he won't change his mind, he is obviously very close to you, but if he wanted to be with you he would because you've made it clear to him you want him back I think. It's hard but I think you have to kind of let go of him.

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    Platinum Member Ac143's Avatar
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    I agree with everything the above poster said & could it be a case of "you want what you cant have now?"

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    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post, but honestly, these months made me realize I love him SO much and at least right now i'm not ready to let go. I know that as much as he believes that he doesn't love me, just like i thought i didn't love him what we have is so strong and amazing! You guys think there is no chance for us?? Because if there is, I really want to be with him! I know i need to do the no contact for a few months... But then?? I'm so sad and feel like i'm sure i won't ever meet anybody like him!!!

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    Member wiley's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ac143
    I agree with everything the above poster said & could it be a case of "you want what you cant have now?"
    That is true, if he would have stayed single, you would have not felt that you wanted him back at all.

    Attraction is a strange thing

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    Platinum Member Ac143's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by brazilgirl21
    Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post, but honestly, these months made me realize I love him SO much and at least right now i'm not ready to let go. I know that as much as he believes that he doesn't love me, just like i thought i didn't love him what we have is so strong and amazing! You guys think there is no chance for us?? Because if there is, I really want to be with him! I know i need to do the no contact for a few months... But then?? I'm so sad and feel like i'm sure i won't ever meet anybody like him!!!
    None of us can say there is zero chance but I wouldnt count on it. You cant pause your life...if you do & wait a few months then he tells you..stop waiting? Then what? At least this way, you are moving on.

    What YOU felt doesn't mean he is feeling that way. He might not love you anymore & he might very well be happy with this other girl. Not being harsh just want you to realize just because YOU came back doesn't mean he will.

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    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    I understand guys but the thing is he DID act like he still had deep feelings for me! I mean, he did dump the girl initially for me! Isn't that big enough proof that he still loved me? It seems like he is SO confused and after trying again with me he wAnts to try it again with her! But is he happy with her ? He dumped her after cheating on her with me for nearly 1 month! Honestly, i can't understand how he put us through all this if he simply didn't love me!! Now I can't eat or want to do anything! Nothing excites me and I just keep playing this all in my mind!! I feel so guilty!

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    Platinum Member Ac143's Avatar
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    He does sound confused, going back & forth. This new girl is exciting she is "new" & you are his comfort zone, so he went back to you but then he left again...just because he came back doesn't mean he will again. He came back to what he was "comfortable" with.

    I know its extremely hard but you need to start moving on & healing. Go NC & if in a few months you still feel the same - try reaching out 1 last time to him. If you dont feel the same...then just keep moving on. Who knows he might come back or he might not but there is no sense in waiting around. He clearly is confused & if you keep entering his life - it will just confuse him more. Which in the long run will backfire..

    Disappear - let him miss you like he once missed you. You got whatever you need out of your system, dont try to stop him from doing the same, thats unfair.

  10. 02-01-2009, 04:17 PM

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    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    I really did believe that I just wanted him because of the other girl but after
    Months i realized it couldn't have beeen further from the truth! It made me realize how much our love is big and how much he means to me! Please understand that I am not being selfish, i really do love him. I'm hurting SO bad! I will do what you advised: NC for 2 months,try hard to move on. I don't think i can though! After these months, i will reach out. And guys, i know i hurt him before but he also hurt me now and maybe he will miss me just as much as i miss him. I need to give space! I havent in a while! Is it bad that our last contact yesterday was of me telling he hurt me so bad by parading (being caught by my friend!) with the girl 5 days after breaking up with me for good after continously lying about being with her that he is dead for me and that i never want to speak to him again?? Or is it even worSe that i acted out?

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    Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post, but honestly, these months made me realize I love him SO much and at least right now i'm not ready to let go. I know that as much as he believes that he doesn't love me, just like i thought i didn't love him what we have is so strong and amazing! You guys think there is no chance for us?? Because if there is, I really want to be with him! I know i need to do the no contact for a few months... But then?? I'm so sad and feel like i'm sure i won't ever meet anybody like him!!!
    In all of your post I see a lot of "me, me, me" - it's all about your feelings and your interpretation.

    First you have a PERFECT relationship, yet you still want out.

    As long as he is having a hard time with letting you go, you continue on your path of enjoying single life.

    As soon as he indicates that he might be over you, you make a 180 and start chases after him.

    Now that he has done the same to you (dumping you for someone else), you show very little remorse and understanding for his feelings.

    It's all about you: all of a sudden you have rediscovered how "amazing" your relationship supposedly is and you just keep on saying: but now I love him and I want him" - like a petulant spoiled child (sorry, don't mean to offend but am just trying to explain how your post reads).

    You can't play with peoples emotion and then expect them just to forget overnight.

    Maybe there is a chance for the two of you again, I don't know. But it will never work out if you are not seriously changing the way you look at your past behavior and convince him that you will not be doing the same thing again, which is gonna be mighty difficult, since you left him when everything was fine and perfect.

    How is he ever going to trust that you won't do it again?

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