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Thread: My mom thinks I hate her

  1. #1
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    My mom thinks I hate her

    Hi! I need some advice because my relationship with my mom just seems impossible. Let me tell you the background.

    I'm 26 years old, and these problems started, obviously, in my teenage years. I have never been like my mother; she always liked girly stuff and I was not like that; she always tried to push it down my throat and, of course, I rejected it. She has always been incredibly controlling (though denies it), and I have a bad temper, which in my teenage years it was naturally worse, so we had a lot of really bad problems back then.

    Thing is, my mom never really understood that this is partly normal in teenage years. I do know that things were probably worse because while it's fairly hard to make me lose my temper, when it happens it's BAD, I scream, sometimes I hit my leg in frustration... it's bad. Thing is, she still carries (10 years later) a lot of resentment and is stuck with some ideas (she hates my best friend with a passion because she says she changed me and that I was "not like this"). She took this teenage things (like not wanting girly stuff) very personal, and somehow came to the conclusion that I hate her.

    Therefore, my mom takes EVERYTHING I SAY or do as a personal attack. Not even lying; just this morning I woke up early because I was going to bake, but she was using the oven. She told me I was gonna be late, and I said "well that's why I had woken up earlier, but I still have time" she said "I knew you were gonna blame me". It's even with the smallest things; I've always been a sarcastic person, even with myself (when I make a mistake I always make a joke about it, things like that), but she thinks I say things to hurt her and attack her. I obviously am not sarcastic with her, but the slightest slip, the sligthest critic or the slightest comment I make, it's a declaration of war. A normal answer or joke from me (for example, if she sees me home and asks "you're already here" and I say "no") is already "treating her badly" and she says I only do it with her, when in reality I'm only careful with her to not annoy her. Also disagreeing with her is an attack in her view.

    Now, I know I am partly to blame because as a teenager I've been disrespectful and hurtful, and because of the times I've lost my temper, and I take my blame for that. But I also don't understand why she's still like this so many years afterwards and even though I've apologized a thousand times. I've told her a million times that I don't say things to attack her, but she won't believe me; she sticks to her own ideas and nothing can make her change her mind. Just because of that we had a fight earlier and I told her I'm so sick of that, and she said that "she can tell" that I don't love her and that I hate her, that I always attack and criticize her, that I treat her badly and that everything she says or does annoys me, which is obviously not true. I'm sick of feeing that I can't do or say anything around her except praising her because she'll think I'm attacking her somehow. What can I do? Do I deserve this?
    Last edited by xanzza; 07-02-2020 at 02:43 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Sarcasm can always go sideways if not said in the right company. It's best to leave it out of sensitive situations and not around sensitive individuals or relationships. You keep that sass to yourself until you can let your hair down with your girlfriends or friends in general. Don't do it with your parents. This isn't about rules so much as it is about being smart about things.

    Are you going to university or working on something? Why are you still living at home with your mum?

    It's not uncommon for women not to get along with their mothers until later in life. Yes, it was the same for me too. Take things in stride, find your own place and have your own oven and kitchen. Leave the sarcasm out of conversations with your parents.

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    I work, I'm just mexican lol. Here it's very common to live with parents until quite late because the wages are low and the rents are high. I did move, though; I lived with my bf for a while (and at first she made it a problem too), but then he moved to Germany for his masters so I came back.

    I do leave sarcasm out, though. It's just that when it happens to slip, I'm tired of it being a huge deal. It feels as if everything I say or do is part of a countdown, or as if I lost a life in a videogame. It's just so hard being THAT conscious of everything you say. I get along well with my father because he's like me, and everytime I laugh at a joke with him or his family, it's as if she wrote it down in a list to use it when we quarrel. Idk.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Who else lives in the household? How is your rapport with your father and siblings? Are you working and going to school? Do not try to get into your mothers head, she has issues of her own that were there long before you came along.

    Do not strive to change, fix or pacify her. Obviously the solution is to move out. In the meantime create more space and boundaries and stop the over-enmeshed stuff. When things get weird or heated take a deep breathe, leave the room or the house and calm down. Strive for peace, not change.

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    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    It sounds awfully difficult Xanzza.

    "I get along well with my father because he's like me, and everytime I laugh at a joke with him or his family, it's as if she wrote it down in a list to use it when we quarrel"

    Just to remark that sarcasm and making a joke are two different things.

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    That's an interesting approach. I live with my father and sister, and things go fine with them. She always nags my father, but he loves her to death so he just takes everything and says nothing. I get along well with everyone tbh because they don't take things personal. In the past I also had some pretty ugly fights with my dad, but I don't think he's ever taken it personal. We had gotten along fairly well in the lockdown, and I've just tried to let things go and say nothing when she says that kind of things. But there's a point where it's just too much.

    Idk, the thing is I don't like feeling that it doesn't matter what I do, she'll always think I hate her. Every single time we've quarreled over the years, she always brings up the same. It's like she'll never forgive, and that's quite hard. It's true though that the time I lived away things got better. Not incredibly better lol but I guess it takes time. But it makes me wonder if, even though things get peaceful, she will still think I don't love her.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I think that as hard as it is, you need to learn to see your mother through adult eyes. A bit less as mom and a bit more as this is who she is - a difficult person with issues of her own. No, you didn't make her that way, she is who she is and you can't change her.

    All you can do is learn how to handle her and her issues better. Be it learning how to keep your mouth shut or just say "yes mom" more often or whatever.

    Sometimes, putting in physical distance goes a long way in creating healthy adult boundaries and peaceful happy relationships with fam. Close, but not so much that you are fighting if that makes sense.

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    Maybe idk how to explain it. I'd say our humor is sarcastic, or perhaps the sarcasm I use or he uses is not a hurtful one. If he grabs something and drops it, I say "well done" and laugh. That's something I just CANNOT do with my mother. A week ago she was laughing at how my sister doesn't answer questions directly and I laughed and said "you sometimes do that too", and she got mad. I didn't think she'd take it personal as she was laughing at it, but I was wrong. Know what I mean? I do agree that sarcasm and making a joke are different things, but perhaps I should also add that in Mexico humor is a little different.

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I think that as hard as it is, you need to learn to see your mother through adult eyes. A bit less as mom and a bit more as this is who she is - a difficult person with issues of her own. No, you didn't make her that way, she is who she is and you can't change her.

    All you can do is learn how to handle her and her issues better. Be it learning how to keep your mouth shut or just say "yes mom" more often or whatever.

    Sometimes, putting in physical distance goes a long way in creating healthy adult boundaries and peaceful happy relationships with fam. Close, but not so much that you are fighting if that makes sense.
    Yeah, it makes sense. They say "family is like the sun: the further, the better" lol. And distance seems to help because obviously the daily life brings its own problems that make relationships harder. I guess I'm just trying to see if I'm honestly wrong and I'm truly a monster lol I mean I know I've been really nasty to her, and I won't deny it, but I also believe it's a problem that she doesn't let things go and makes me look as if I'm the worst person alive cause I honestly don't think I am. Maybe I'm in denial idk.

    I do try to handle daily life and most of the time it works, but idk, it's just so... upsetting that she holds to the same problems and I end up being the bad one every single time. It's exhausting.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Maybe your mom is bi-polar like my mom. She hated the fact I was a tomboy, never liked my personality, wanted me to be a girly girl. She twists my words around and make them negative, accusing me of being a bad daughter, is a bully, and my god some of the heartless comments she says...it's always a struggle. I'm in my 50's and there is no way I can have a normal nice relationship with her. So that being said...good luck because there is nothing you can do or say to make her treat you with any kind of respect, or normalcy. I agree, keep your distance as much as possible...but even then you get accused of being a bad person. She expects ME to call her all the time, etc. A narcissist to boot.

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