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Thread: My mom thinks I hate her

  1. #41
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Good post Catfeeder.

    Very apt the toddler tantrum analogy.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Well your temperament is your temperament. When you move out, hopefully you'll be able to stop the dynamic of rebellious teen - exasperated irritable parent. Once that cycle is broken you may be able to revisit it.

    As long as you live at home as you did like a teen, even as an adult, people tend to replay and get stuck in their roles. You can't help your mother's situation, but hopefully you'll be able to break this pattern. Some people even experience this at family gatherings, getting sucked right back into old dysfunctional roles.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Well your temperament is your temperament. When you move out, hopefully you'll be able to stop the dynamic of rebellious teen - exasperated irritable parent. Once that cycle is broken you may be able to revisit it.

    As long as you live at home as you did like a teen, even as an adult, people tend to replay and get stuck in their roles. You can't help your mother's situation, but hopefully you'll be able to break this pattern. Some people even experience this at family gatherings, getting sucked right back into old dysfunctional roles.
    Very true. My tendency as a teenager was to be late to family functions. My step-brother would be even later, or not show up at all.

    I have since been never late to meet family in over 25 years. Yet, when brother shows up late, everybody giggles and parents say, "That's Luke and Cat...always late!"

    Do I perk up and argue that? Nope. Disproving this untruth is no longer a knee-jerk habit that has only ever served to fuel my own frustrations.

    I've learned to just enjoy a great day with family, and I embrace the rebel rep. When they say it, I might chime in, "That's right! It feels so good to be sooo bad!" ...and nobody really cares about the inaccuracy.

    We get to pick our battles, and most are NOT worth the effort--or the indignancy.

    GrOw beyond it, and you'll thank yourself.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Indeed Cat. And we sure do mellow as we grow older. L.

    My parents died some years ago. We never argued much. Maybe as a teen, probably. lol. I just wish I could have them here for one day. They were the most well-adjusted people I have ever met since.

    Just thought I'd add this from our own Seamus Heaney

    “All of us would like to have been born
    Infallible, but since we knew we weren't,
    It's better to attend to those who speak
    In honesty and good faith, and learn from them.”
    ― Seamus Heaney, The Burial at Thebes: A Version of Sophocles' Antigone


    You see Xan, this is what I mean about tiring:

    " and truly, it is just not the case. 99% of the interactions is me shutting the hell up while she goes on and about how I am an awful daughter, following me around if I leave or speaking louder so I listen to her, or just huffing at me for days."

    You can't leave, (no reason to "storm out" anyhow), and if you stay you have this ongoing dynamic day after day. How do you think you will stand this for months to come? What will you do?

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Then stop being argumentative. That's within your control. Arguing gets you nothing but the opposite of what you want. So stop.



    She can't, if you leave the house.



    She can't, if you leave the house.



    Stop viewing it as 'difficult' to behave maturely enough for the both of you. Then it becomes habitual--and from there it becomes simple. It's a decision.



    Trying does not equal success when you attach a larger agenda. Shrink your agenda down to one instance of kindness followed by exit, then there's no further 'bait' that exists. You're already gone, and you don't carry a 'need' to teach lessons or gain an upper hand.

    Done. After that, shut your mouth and don't stir the pot.

    Rinse, repeat as necessary.



    If this is true, then you won't need to do anything but apologize for the misunderstanding, kiss Mom, and exit. Period.

    If you won't stop yourself from trying to 'prove' something, then that's your circular error. Stop trying to convince or 'win,' and just de-escalate until Mom learns--over t.i.m.e--that you consistently leave when she starts trouble.

    You cannot teach anything to anyone in one instance. It's about consistency over time.

    When a child wants your attention, and they believe that the only way they can get it is to cause friction, then learn YOUR part in upholding that belief. Start rewarding kindness or even neutrality with your attention, and ignore friction. Consistently.

    When a child throws a temper tantrum, paying attention to 'correct' it only rewards it. Instead, smart families walk away from the tantrum scene and focus their attention elsewhere. This teaches the child that only 'good' or neutral behavior is rewarded with attention, while tantrums get dismissed.

    Well? Older people can behave just like toddlers, only they are better at it. So research ways that expert-yet-loving-parents ignore tantrums and reward desired behaviors. Start practicing those techniques without regard for instant results.

    Teach over time. Reward with attention during non-friction times, kindly dismiss friction with a lack of attention, and you will see results consistent with YOUR ability to be consistent.
    Sorry, but I find this answer really funny. "Stop being argumentative". Oh, alright, never thought of that. I've said this before: I'm not saying this is how I am and act upon all the time, I say I restrain but it's hard for me as it is how I am. 99% of the time I DO NOT argue, I DO NOT engage. This is what gives me anxiety. I'm just trying to say that it's not working either.

    Also, "she can't if you leave the house", how, exactly? Leaving for good, or storming out like a teenager? Because right now I can't do any of them. I'm guessing you think I stay and argue because I want to, and truly, it is just not the case. 99% of the interactions is me shutting the hell up while she goes on and about how I am an awful daughter, following me around if I leave or speaking louder so I listen to her, or just huffing at me for days.

    Also, you say behaving maturely enough is a decision, yet I've told many times I usually take that decision, it's just NOT ENOUGH. I feel like I'm failing to communicate the point. I can't "kiss mom and leave the room", when I apologize she thinks I'm making fun of her and if I go kiss her she'll slam my face in the wall lol I don't think you understand how bad things are. You spell "t.i.m.e", and if ten years is not "t.i.m.e" then I just don't understand what's needed. I've ignored her consistently for what, now, ten months since I came back home, and yesterday it just hit the fan and told me that she's been mistreated for the same ten months by me. See the point? Walking away and not acknlowledgning in your experience might mean "teaching", for her it means I hate her guts and just builds up resentment.

    I am really happy that it worked for you, but trust me when I say it doesn't work for her. That's the whole problem. It's unhealthy for me and it's not even working; if it worked well I wouldn't be here in the first place since I started ignoring her and not talking back since I was 18.

  7. #46
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    And, as a matter of fact, it's not only if I argue. It's literally everything I do. Yesterday she said "she can notice" that I am annoyed when she passes me by. The only thing I do is exist, and somehow she concludes I am annoyed. See the point?

  8. #47
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Again, Xan. I say the same thing. I do see what you are saying.

    But, you have said you cannot leave (now, for reasons you gave re insecurity etc.), and staying is evidently driving you mad. So, what solution is there, according to you? As I said before, there could be 12 months of this.

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Again, Xan. I say the same thing. I do see what you are saying.

    But, you have said you cannot leave (now, for reasons you gave re insecurity etc.), and staying is evidently driving you mad. So, what solution is there, according to you? As I said before, there could be 12 months of this.
    Well, that's why I'm here asking for advice. I'm not asking "how can I keep arguing with my mom without her being mad", I'm asking "how can I breathe without her thinking I hate her". If I had a solution, I would just do it, not ask.

    The advice everybody is giving is good advice as in it might get me through without further mental health issues, but I don't think it's solving anything, you know. If you are ill you can very well take medicine for the pain, but you're not gonna recover with just that. The advice I look for is a way in which I can interact with her without her thinking that I hate her... as I just said, she thinks I'm annoyed when she passes me by, and nothing literally comes out of my mouth. I don't think I can avoid that until I just leave.

    In the end, I am asking if there are ways in which I can actively repair some things in our relation and make her feel less defensive. Not because I feel responsible of what she feels, but because I think it can be done, and if I want a better relationship with her, treating her like a toddler just won't do. Conflict like this is like cancer, it grows faster when you choose not to see it.

  10. #49
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    And please don't get me wrong; I am thankful for all the advice and the insight, and I am understanding many things and seeing others that I can exercise. It's not that I am looking for an advice telling me what I want to hear; but I wanna do things in the best possible way, for the best possible outcome.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by xanzza
    Sorry, but I find this answer really funny. "Stop being argumentative". Oh, alright, never thought of that.
    This was not my description of how you are, it's your own.

    You say that you are argumentative, and then true to form, you go sarcastic and argue against the suggestion that it's within your own power to change your own self-characterization.

    Originally Posted by xanzza
    Also, "she can't if you leave the house", how, exactly? Leaving for good, or storming out like a teenager?
    Why are those your only two options? Couldn't you become a regular walker around your block for exercise? Choosing times that coincide with Mom's troublemaking can be deliberate.

    Originally Posted by xanzza
    I can't "kiss mom and leave the room", when I apologize she thinks I'm making fun of her
    It's not your job to control what Mom 'thinks.' Behave in ways that teach her that you won't stick around to argue. Whether she 'likes' that or not isn't the point.

    Your whole basis for this post is to change Mom's perception that you hate her. Yet since your responses to me are hostile, I can see where she picks up hatred in your messaging.

    I'd quit trying to control Mom's thinking, which causes you nothing but frustration and problems, and instead, I'd start teaching Mom that the way to get my attention is to speak 'with' me and not 'at' me.

    You get to control how you want to do that. Learning through books and articles from experts who train children is a good place to start. It's psychology basics for dealing with a childish mentality.

    You can balk at the advice you requested, or you can keep an open mind and try it out--but going hostile won't move you any closer to solving the problem of being perceived as hostile.

    Good luck.

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