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Thread: My mom thinks I hate her

  1. #31
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Whenever I upset my mom, it doesn't matter who is 'right,' I just say, "I'm sorry, Mom, that came out wrong."

    That stumps her for a moment, because it's hard to argue with an apology, and if I sense further comment coming, I just kiss her cheek or her hand or her forehead as I get up to leave the room, and I say, "I love you, Mama...." AS I EXIT THE ROOM.

    It doesn't matter where I go, or even if it's just into the kitchen to get something. If that's the case, I change the subject by saying, "I'm pouring some ice water, can I get you some?"

    A quick and easy apology followed by a change of subject usually works, and an exit from the room works if all else fails. No huffing, no puffing, no trying to 'correct' her or plead a case. Period.

    Over time this has taught Mom that starting an argument prompts me to walk away, while avoiding argument prompts me to stay and talk about other things.

    So if she wants my company, she needs to behave. If she wants me to leave, just start a problem, and I'm gone.

    Be consistently kind, even when you opt to walk away, and don't take the bait.

    Head high, and treat arguments like one hand clapping.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Just to ask:

    " if things go right, I'm moving to germany in the following months."

    What are your plans.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Just to ask:

    " if things go right, I'm moving to germany in the following months."

    What are your plans.
    Well, as of right now, us mexicans are not allowed in the EU because of the corona crisis. We're peaking, yet our government is relaxing the lockdown, so I don't think it's gonna improve soon, and the embassy is closed so I cannot yet do my paperwork... so yeah. There are too many factors which I can't control, so I can only hope for the best.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Right.

    So it could be 2021 before you can make it to Germany, where I am assuming you will work with your BF.

    Meantime, we are only in July 2020, so would you not consider moving out for the next 12 months and share an apartment with a room-mate or acquaintance?

    Just what you said below. All the more reason to get yourself out of there before things escalate any further.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Whenever I upset my mom, it doesn't matter who is 'right,' I just say, "I'm sorry, Mom, that came out wrong."

    That stumps her for a moment, because it's hard to argue with an apology, and if I sense further comment coming, I just kiss her cheek or her hand or her forehead as I get up to leave the room, and I say, "I love you, Mama...." AS I EXIT THE ROOM.

    It doesn't matter where I go, or even if it's just into the kitchen to get something. If that's the case, I change the subject by saying, "I'm pouring some ice water, can I get you some?"

    A quick and easy apology followed by a change of subject usually works, and an exit from the room works if all else fails. No huffing, no puffing, no trying to 'correct' her or plead a case. Period.

    Over time this has taught Mom that starting an argument prompts me to walk away, while avoiding argument prompts me to stay and talk about other things.

    So if she wants my company, she needs to behave. If she wants me to leave, just start a problem, and I'm gone.

    Be consistently kind, even when you opt to walk away, and don't take the bait.

    Head high, and treat arguments like one hand clapping.
    I've tried that, but it's tricky. I am very argumentative, so it's hard for me to get there, but the times I've managed to do it she takes it as an advantage and rants for hours about everything I've done wrong since I was born to this day lol. If I walk away, she'll follow me to keep it going. If I apologize and say "I love you" she'll always say "well then show it, because..." and keep going over and over the same thing. We're both difficut people, but we're opposites. It's hard for me not to take the bait, but most of the times I manage. And all she does is throw more bait lol

    I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but the thing is that this has been going on for more than ten years and I honestly feel like I've tried it all. That's why I need advice, I feel like nothing works except just turning myself into a robot programmed by her. It's not that I want to correct her or disagree with her, because I don't. But simple human interactions can go wrong, and avoiding it has gotten us nowhere. It's just the same spot but causing me anxiety lol. Idk.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    You say you are very argumentative OP. Leaving aside altogether the heated situation with your mother, argumentative is not the best trait to have when navigating this life of ours.

    "people who constantly argue seek control and power over others. You cannot reason with them, so itís best to withdraw from an argument than try to prove them wrong
    Remind yourself that chronic arguing is an ingrained defence mechanism that, with time and patience, can be unlearned."


    From: an article by Dr. N. Davies.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    You say you are very argumentative OP. Leaving aside altogether the heated situation with your mother, argumentative is not the best trait to have when navigating this life of ours.

    "people who constantly argue seek control and power over others. You cannot reason with them, so itís best to withdraw from an argument than try to prove them wrong
    Remind yourself that chronic arguing is an ingrained defence mechanism that, with time and patience, can be unlearned."


    From: an article by Dr. N. Davies.
    Lmao no, not in that sense. I'm a philosopher. When I say I'm argumentative I don't mean that I chronically argue, in fact I hate confrontation; I'm the one who doesn't mind where we're eating, what we're doing, where we're going, or what you do, I will adapt so there are no problems because usually it's not a big deal for me. However, if you ask what I think, I will tell you and I will support it with arguments, and when I believe I'm right I can always demonstrate it. I don't see the point in lying just to make people feel better, because I believe that is treating them ina condescending way and I think that's demeaning, you see.

    That's what I mean by argumentative; when you catch an argument with me, it's hard for me to just give it your way. So when my mother comes and tells me that I am a bad daughter, I won't say "yes you're right"; I will say that's not true and argue back. The times I have been able to just say "ok you're right", I just can't sit through an hour of how bad I am, how much of a bad person I am, how I've always hated her and just say "yes, you're right", see where I'm going? It's not that I go ahead an pick fights, it's that agreeing with her doesn't get me anywhere either.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Right.

    So it could be 2021 before you can make it to Germany, where I am assuming you will work with your BF.

    Meantime, we are only in July 2020, so would you not consider moving out for the next 12 months and share an apartment with a room-mate or acquaintance?

    Just what you said below. All the more reason to get yourself out of there before things escalate any further.
    I've tried but my friends are either married or don't wanna move out. And well, renting in Mexico is not easy as well. Most of the times you need to prove your income, someone needs to lend the paperwork of their own property in case you don't pay rent (and a very few people are willing to do so). There are some websites and apps that connect you with people who are also looking to rent, but tbh Mexico is very very unsafe, so it's not a great idea to just move with someone you don't know rather well...

  10. #39
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    So, essentially, you are stuck until you are able to travel abroad.

    "So when my mother comes and tells me that I am a bad daughter, I won't say "yes you're right"; I will say that's not true and argue back."

    It's going to be a tiring 12 months Xan! lol.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by xanzza
    I've tried that, but it's tricky. I am very argumentative, so it's hard for me to get there,
    Then stop being argumentative. That's within your control. Arguing gets you nothing but the opposite of what you want. So stop.

    Originally Posted by xanzza
    the times I've managed to do it she takes it as an advantage and rants for hours about everything I've done wrong since I was born to this day lol. If I walk away, she'll follow me to keep it going.
    She can't, if you leave the house.

    Originally Posted by xanzza
    If I apologize and say "I love you" she'll always say "well then show it, because..." and keep going over and over the same thing.
    She can't, if you leave the house.

    Originally Posted by xanzza
    We're both difficut people, but we're opposites. It's hard for me not to take the bait, but most of the times I manage. And all she does is throw more bait lol
    Stop viewing it as 'difficult' to behave maturely enough for the both of you. Then it becomes habitual--and from there it becomes simple. It's a decision.

    Originally Posted by xanzza
    I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but the thing is that this has been going on for more than ten years and I honestly feel like I've tried it all.
    Trying does not equal success when you attach a larger agenda. Shrink your agenda down to one instance of kindness followed by exit, then there's no further 'bait' that exists. You're already gone, and you don't carry a 'need' to teach lessons or gain an upper hand.

    Done. After that, shut your mouth and don't stir the pot.

    Rinse, repeat as necessary.

    Originally Posted by xanzza
    That's why I need advice, I feel like nothing works except just turning myself into a robot programmed by her. It's not that I want to correct her or disagree with her, because I don't. But simple human interactions can go wrong, and avoiding it has gotten us nowhere. It's just the same spot but causing me anxiety lol. Idk.
    If this is true, then you won't need to do anything but apologize for the misunderstanding, kiss Mom, and exit. Period.

    If you won't stop yourself from trying to 'prove' something, then that's your circular error. Stop trying to convince or 'win,' and just de-escalate until Mom learns--over t.i.m.e--that you consistently leave when she starts trouble.

    You cannot teach anything to anyone in one instance. It's about consistency over time.

    When a child wants your attention, and they believe that the only way they can get it is to cause friction, then learn YOUR part in upholding that belief. Start rewarding kindness or even neutrality with your attention, and ignore friction. Consistently.

    When a child throws a temper tantrum, paying attention to 'correct' it only rewards it. Instead, smart families walk away from the tantrum scene and focus their attention elsewhere. This teaches the child that only 'good' or neutral behavior is rewarded with attention, while tantrums get dismissed.

    Well? Older people can behave just like toddlers, only they are better at it. So research ways that expert-yet-loving-parents ignore tantrums and reward desired behaviors. Start practicing those techniques without regard for instant results.

    Teach over time. Reward with attention during non-friction times, kindly dismiss friction with a lack of attention, and you will see results consistent with YOUR ability to be consistent.

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