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Thread: My mom thinks I hate her

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Well, you are moving to Germany in the near future. Not long to go, OP.

    But I had to smile, in a way, about the hand sanitizer. And the rash.

    You reacted. Bad idea. What you do is say: "Is that so" and "how unpleasant". You do not go on about whether her legs are getting a rash etc. lol
    Lol I know. I guess I just have to be a house plant until I leave. Idk, it's just so... weird to me how that would be a problem, you know? I never know what's gonna offend her. Although there is a chance she will then get mad because "I don't care" or "ignore her". I'll give it a try though. Its what seems to work most of the time.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    If you cannot afford to move out, then what you have to do is maintain peace even if you have to walk on eggshells to do it.

    I don't have an optimal relationship with my mother and sister. Granted, we don't live together, however, I have to be extremely careful with whatever I say or do in order to keep the peace with both of them. It's a mastered science to be sure.

    There are all sorts of people in this world whether you live with them or not. In a perfect world, everyone would have the emotional intelligence to be understanding, cooperative, empathetic, patient, humble and kind yet this is not a perfect world. Google "emotional intelligence" because if people lack emotional intelligence, ALL relationships are doomed for failure. I'm not going to make the easy, most convenient excuse by saying the typical "nobody's perfect" mantra because that's a cop, very cheap out excuse. What I'm trying to tell you is this: Often times you have to enforce healthy boundaries with others and at the same time, you have to navigate yourself wisely with difficult, complicated, very complex personalities. Unfortunately, many times, you have to treat some people as if they have subpar intelligence and as if they are truly afflicted with serious mental disorders for which there is no cure.

    For people whom I do not live with, I limit contact and if there's any contact, it is respectful, polite and extremely brief. No more, no less. Should I cross paths with unavoidable people, I reduce interaction and if there's any interaction, it is courteous, respectful, kind yet frostily-distant. I don't get personal nor close with weird, abnormal people. I'm cordial yet maintain a safe distance. Perhaps you ought to try this strategy and tack with your mother.

    Since you know what your mother's hot buttons are, be careful. There's no such thing as free rent. You have to pay the price by enduring life with your mother. Once you move out, you can buy your independence and freedom and not be bothered by anyone. Until then, you are the one who has to behave any way you can in order to keep the peace. Control your emotions, remain calm, think before you speak and act, become astute and shrewd. This is what I had to do when I lived with my mother and sister since they have gaslighting, very volatile temperaments which are not to be contend with.
    I guess that's what really gets to me. You mention "healthy boundaries", but I don't think it's healthy to swallow all of these interactions. I do it, in the end, but it costs me anxiety, depression and the feeling of being constantly judged, which isn't close to healthy. Don't get me wong, I agree with you: in the end, if you want peace then you must seek peace. Forcing others to be peaceful is just useless, and what truly matters is our own way to deal with things.

    The problem is that I don't think this fully works... everytime I disagree with her, or feel bad because she talks bad to me, or anything, I keep it to myself. I really do. But then when she gets mad she blurts out a thousand things I've done to her without even realizing lol so it seems there is no way out, you know? like the example above, just trying to find out what was giving her the rash is about her lol do I really go to the extreme and let my only interactions with her be "yes" and "yes"?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    LOL OP. There is no need to find out or know everything. Trust me.

    There is a great arsenal of phrases:

    "Oh dear"! " How awful for you", "how very unpleasant", "would you like me to get you a soothing cream for the rash". You get the picture. The list of innocuous and situation-suitable remarks is endless.

    Act, don't react. No truer advice.

    No one can make you feel anything. You are responsible for your feelings.

    A great old psychological trick is to imagine there is a glass partition between you and her. Through which you cannot hear. Give it a try.

    Only to add. Humour can be great at deflating those moments. (Notice I said humour, not sarcasm).

    Laughter IS often the best medicine.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by xanzza
    I guess that's what really gets to me. You mention "healthy boundaries", but I don't think it's healthy to swallow all of these interactions. I do it, in the end, but it costs me anxiety, depression and the feeling of being constantly judged, which isn't close to healthy. Don't get me wong, I agree with you: in the end, if you want peace then you must seek peace. Forcing others to be peaceful is just useless, and what truly matters is our own way to deal with things.

    The problem is that I don't think this fully works... everytime I disagree with her, or feel bad because she talks bad to me, or anything, I keep it to myself. I really do. But then when she gets mad she blurts out a thousand things I've done to her without even realizing lol so it seems there is no way out, you know? like the example above, just trying to find out what was giving her the rash is about her lol do I really go to the extreme and let my only interactions with her be "yes" and "yes"?
    You have to pick your battles. Know whenever you disagree, your mother will give you backlash. This is the price you have to pay for "free rent." Nothing in life is free. There's always a cost or price to pay in another way even at the expense of your dignity, unfortunately.

    I'm not telling you to kowtow. I'm saying that you need to keep the peace by asking yourself beforehand, is it worth the fight? If it's worth the fight, then go head to head and fight it out. I've been in your shoes many times. You need to ask yourself this: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

    You either readjust yourself in order to live in a peaceful household with her or fight and argue all the time. The choice is yours. Either way you're toast but I'd choose peace with difficult people any day compared to fighting with them endlessly.

    I've had to alter my behavior in order to keep the peace. I've never said I liked it. However, I do whatever it takes to keep the peace even if it's semi-estrangement or estrangement. Whatever works.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    You have to pick your battles. Know whenever you disagree, your mother will give you backlash. This is the price you have to pay for "free rent." Nothing in life is free. There's always a cost or price to pay in another way even at the expense of your dignity, unfortunately.

    I'm not telling you to kowtow. I'm saying that you need to keep the peace by asking yourself beforehand, is it worth the fight? If it's worth the fight, then go head to head and fight it out. I've been in your shoes many times. You need to ask yourself this: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

    You either readjust yourself in order to live in a peaceful household with her or fight and argue all the time. The choice is yours. Either way you're toast but I'd choose peace with difficult people any day compared to fighting with them endlessly.

    I've had to alter my behavior in order to keep the peace. I've never said I liked it. However, I do whatever it takes to keep the peace even if it's semi-estrangement or estrangement. Whatever works.
    I get it. It's just that at least for me, not being able to talk is not being happy. As a side comment, I'm not in "free rent". I do give them money; not that it matters, but you've said it twice so I tought I should make it clear lol.

    I truly get your point, but I'm not sure I'm making myself clear: I'm coming for advice because what I have done is just not enough; what have I done? not saying things, not criticizing, not disagreeing, blah blah blah. And I guess it's because avoiding is not solving. Altering behavior is, IMO, avoiding; if you're sick and ignore your pain, that doesn't make you healthy. But I agree: one has to pick their own battles.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    LOL OP. There is no need to find out or know everything. Trust me.

    There is a great arsenal of phrases:

    "Oh dear"! " How awful for you", "how very unpleasant", "would you like me to get you a soothing cream for the rash". You get the picture. The list of innocuous and situation-suitable remarks is endless.

    Act, don't react. No truer advice.

    No one can make you feel anything. You are responsible for your feelings.

    A great old psychological trick is to imagine there is a glass partition between you and her. Through which you cannot hear. Give it a try.

    Only to add. Humour can be great at deflating those moments. (Notice I said humour, not sarcasm).

    Laughter IS often the best medicine.
    I see where you're going. I'll just have to get used to being super conscious of every single interaction between us, I guess. Thank you!

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by xanzza
    I get it. It's just that at least for me, not being able to talk is not being happy. As a side comment, I'm not in "free rent". I do give them money; not that it matters, but you've said it twice so I tought I should make it clear lol.

    I truly get your point, but I'm not sure I'm making myself clear: I'm coming for advice because what I have done is just not enough; what have I done? not saying things, not criticizing, not disagreeing, blah blah blah. And I guess it's because avoiding is not solving. Altering behavior is, IMO, avoiding; if you're sick and ignore your pain, that doesn't make you healthy. But I agree: one has to pick their own battles.
    With all due respect xanzza, I meant even discounted rent is still the price to pay regarding sacrificing your freedom from certain undesirable people in your life no matter who it is.

    Whenever I can't deal with unreasonable people and if they cause me to react harshly, I quietly, simply and calmly walk away. You can't change people nor expect them to be reasonable according to your will. That's not how many people are. They'll do what they want, say what they want when they want with nary a care about how you feel. It's the way of the world.

    Therefore, it's a matter of one's self control. I don't engage. Learn to walk away. I do this every time. This is a boundary act. You won't allow others to abuse you and at the same time, you refuse to stoop down to their level by arguing ad nauseum.

    There are times when there is no solving because of whom you're dealing with. Expecting a person to be reasonable is unrealistic. I've already tried that and it's banging your head against a wall. It will get you nowhere. Trying to reason with the unreasonable is like administering medicine to the dead. It's useless and doesn't work.

    Avoiding fights is better than fighting and losing every single time IMHO. Avoiding fights is more peaceful than escalating fights endlessly IMHO. I have difficult and very complicated people in my life, too. No deal. I have better things to do than fight until I'm blue in the face.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    With all due respect xanzza, I meant even discounted rent is still the price to pay regarding sacrificing your freedom from certain undesirable people in your life no matter who it is.

    Whenever I can't deal with unreasonable people and if they cause me to react harshly, I quietly, simply and calmly walk away. You can't change people nor expect them to be reasonable according to your will. That's not how many people are. They'll do what they want, say what they want when they want with nary a care about how you feel. It's the way of the world.

    Therefore, it's a matter of one's self control. I don't engage. Learn to walk away. I do this every time. This is a boundary act. You won't allow others to abuse you and at the same time, you refuse to stoop down to their level by arguing ad nauseum.

    There are times when there is no solving because of whom you're dealing with. Expecting a person to be reasonable is unrealistic. I've already tried that and it's banging your head against a wall. It will get you nowhere. Trying to reason with the unreasonable is like administering medicine to the dead. It's useless and doesn't work.

    Avoiding fights is better than fighting and losing every single time IMHO. Avoiding fights is more peaceful than escalating fights endlessly IMHO. I have difficult and very complicated people in my life, too. No deal. I have better things to do than fight until I'm blue in the face.
    I agree, that is how the world is, simply. I guess it just saddens me. One can always avoid fights, but that doesn't stop the yearning of a better way, you know. One can always walk away, but the desire of a different reality is still there. I can always walk away from my family and try and do it differently with my future kids (and probably fail at it because that's just how life goes, there is no perfect parenting) but I'm still gonna yearn for a meaningful, real relationship with my mom that is not based in ignoring her comments and trying to not annoy her. But if there's no choice, what can one do but try to at least live peacefully right.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by xanzza
    I agree, that is how the world is, simply. I guess it just saddens me. One can always avoid fights, but that doesn't stop the yearning of a better way, you know. One can always walk away, but the desire of a different reality is still there. I can always walk away from my family and try and do it differently with my future kids (and probably fail at it because that's just how life goes, there is no perfect parenting) but I'm still gonna yearn for a meaningful, real relationship with my mom that is not based in ignoring her comments and trying to not annoy her. But if there's no choice, what can one do but try to at least live peacefully right.
    Yes, it saddens you as it saddens me, too. You have to accept people and situations as they are but it doesn't mean you have to like it. Like you, I too yearn for a better way. I've since exhausted all avenues. Some people lack emotional intelligence (EQ). Google "emotional intelligence" so you will learn what many people lack and how it's impossible to interact with them. I hope you get what you yearn for. Just remain prepared for disappointment and lower your expectations so you won't be shocked nor surprised given what you already know about your mother's personality and character.

    Yes, right, keep the peace because it's better than arguing and fighting endlessly any day.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Perhaps you and your mother are too much alike in terms of argumentativeness?

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