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Thread: My mom thinks I hate her

  1. #11
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think your mom has problems. Why do you and she keep dragging up things that happened when you were a teen? You haven't been a teen in years! Perhaps you can find a friend to share an apt. with, as you need to move out.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    I agree with Melancholy. The best solution would be to move out and share accommodation with another person.

    What you describe is a toxic situation, regardless of geographical location.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's not your job to decode your mum. Just stay respectful, I think, and give her a wide berth. She may be having marriage issues with your father or feeling left out, distanced from everyone else in the family. If your family is conservative or the household work falls on your mum, isn't it understandable if she's irritable picking up after the whole family?

    It may be anything. You seem annoyed and like being annoyed is really what you'd rather not be feeling so don't spend so much time trying to decode your mum or your relationship with her. Let her be who she is.

    Don't move out with a boyfriend or a man just to get away from your family. Find your own independence somehow and carve out a life of your own.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by xanzza
    Yeah, it makes sense. They say "family is like the sun: the further, the better" lol. And distance seems to help because obviously the daily life brings its own problems that make relationships harder. I guess I'm just trying to see if I'm honestly wrong and I'm truly a monster lol I mean I know I've been really nasty to her, and I won't deny it, but I also believe it's a problem that she doesn't let things go and makes me look as if I'm the worst person alive cause I honestly don't think I am. Maybe I'm in denial idk.

    I do try to handle daily life and most of the time it works, but idk, it's just so... upsetting that she holds to the same problems and I end up being the bad one every single time. It's exhausting.
    That's a lovely way to put it and it's very very true. I might actually borrow that expression....lol... You'll feel less exhausted once you put in some distance.

    For what it's worth, I don't think you are in any way a bad person (if you really were, you wouldn't be here seeking advice) and I don't think your mom actually thinks you are either. It's just that she has some issues, she might be overly sensitive and takes offense easily, she might have trouble letting go of baggage, buuut she is still your mom and loves you. Just that her way of expressing emotions isn't exactly what you call healthy.

    If you look at your dad, you'll see the truth of how to deal with your mom. Never ever take anything personally. She will, you don't. That's the dynamic that keeps their marriage alive and going. There is wisdom in that.

    Also, unlike your dad, you have the luxury of putting in distance. So there is that for you as well. You can move and then...voila....relationships much improved.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Making her the villain of the family isn't helping you. You don't really know her inner life personally or with your father, their marriage behind closed doors or whatever else.

    Space and compassion would help you more than polarizing the family against her. She is picking up on that and you know it. Stand back, you don't have to be best friends but respect her station in life.
    Originally Posted by xanzza
    She always nags my father,

  7. #16
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. It isn't a tenable situation IMO.

    "in reality I'm only careful with her to not annoy her. Also disagreeing with her is an attack in her view."


    That kind of walking on eggshells cannot go on.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Making her the villain of the family isn't helping you. You don't really know her inner life personally or with your father, their marriage behind closed doors or whatever else.

    Space and compassion would help you more than polarizing the family against her. She is picking up on that and you know it. Stand back, you don't have to be best friends but respect her station in life.

    I think you're making further interpretations. I'm not making her the villain of the family, I'm saying what's happening. Sugar coating is not gonna help anybody; just as I am not sugar coating my own behaviour I won't do it for hers. I'm also not polarizing anyone against her, why would you think that?

  9. #18
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    Exactly, this is my issue. I know I won't live here forever and that when I move out things will improve; if things go right, I'm moving to germany in the following months. But I don't think that walking on eggshells (excellent way to put it btw) is the answer. I don't want just to avoid problems; I want a meaningful relationship with her. I won't force it though, if it can't happen then too bad. But carefully watching everything that comes out of my mouth is just not possible. Just as I was writing this message, she said that maybe hand sanitizer is giving her a rash, and I said "I don't think so, because you also have it in your legs" and she started getting annoyed just because I didn't agree with her. I mean, I know it may seem easy to just have it her way, but that would mean only breathing in a way where she thinks I'm not annoyed by her lol it just can't be done.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Well, you are moving to Germany in the near future. Not long to go, OP.

    But I had to smile, in a way, about the hand sanitizer. And the rash.

    You reacted. Bad idea. What you do is say: "Is that so" and "how unpleasant". You do not go on about whether her legs are getting a rash etc. lol

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    If you cannot afford to move out, then what you have to do is maintain peace even if you have to walk on eggshells to do it.

    I don't have an optimal relationship with my mother and sister. Granted, we don't live together, however, I have to be extremely careful with whatever I say or do in order to keep the peace with both of them. It's a mastered science to be sure.

    There are all sorts of people in this world whether you live with them or not. In a perfect world, everyone would have the emotional intelligence to be understanding, cooperative, empathetic, patient, humble and kind yet this is not a perfect world. Google "emotional intelligence" because if people lack emotional intelligence, ALL relationships are doomed for failure. I'm not going to make the easy, most convenient excuse by saying the typical "nobody's perfect" mantra because that's a cop, very cheap out excuse. What I'm trying to tell you is this: Often times you have to enforce healthy boundaries with others and at the same time, you have to navigate yourself wisely with difficult, complicated, very complex personalities. Unfortunately, many times, you have to treat some people as if they have subpar intelligence and as if they are truly afflicted with serious mental disorders for which there is no cure.

    For people whom I do not live with, I limit contact and if there's any contact, it is respectful, polite and extremely brief. No more, no less. Should I cross paths with unavoidable people, I reduce interaction and if there's any interaction, it is courteous, respectful, kind yet frostily-distant. I don't get personal nor close with weird, abnormal people. I'm cordial yet maintain a safe distance. Perhaps you ought to try this strategy and tack with your mother.

    Since you know what your mother's hot buttons are, be careful. There's no such thing as free rent. You have to pay the price by enduring life with your mother. Once you move out, you can buy your independence and freedom and not be bothered by anyone. Until then, you are the one who has to behave any way you can in order to keep the peace. Control your emotions, remain calm, think before you speak and act, become astute and shrewd. This is what I had to do when I lived with my mother and sister since they have gaslighting, very volatile temperaments which are not to be contend with.

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