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Thread: Boyfriend won’t have sex with me

  1. #1

    Boyfriend won’t have sex with me

    My boyfriend (28) and I(23) have been together for around 8 months now. Overall things have been really good. We work really well together and genuinely care for them. The only issue is that we don’t have sex. In the time we’ve been together I can count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex, and those times that we did he wouldn’t touch me at all unless I asked him to. Most of the time things don’t get past foreplay or even just kissing. When I asked him about it he said that he was attracted to me but that sex is just awkward for him and he doesn’t know what to do unless I tell him. He is also non-binary and has just started to medically transition and he said that he wants to have sex but that the idea of him having sex in a body he doesn’t identify with is weird. I understand having issues with his body identity but It makes me feel like he isn’t attracted to me no matter how much he says he is. We’ve talked about this and the only conclusion that’s come from that is him apologizing and saying that he doesn’t know how to fix it. I love him and I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with him but I also don’t want to spend my life in a sexless relationship. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to end it if he is transitioning. He needs to figure this out with the help of support groups and therapy. It's obvious why he doesn't want sex.

    You need to start dating straight men who want to be male and have sex with women

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Crystallake
    He is also non-binary and has just started to medically transition and he said that he wants to have sex but that the idea of him having sex in a body he doesn’t identify with is weird.
    ^ There's your answer.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    This is not going to work, you need to find a straight guy.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Have you read up a bit more on transitions and all the changes that come with it or done so as a couple? The first step is opening up conversations that may be awkward at first but could be beneficial and enlightening to both of you as individuals and as a couple.

    I don't think you should beat yourself up over it if it's not working for you. Be kind to him also if this isn't what you're looking for in a relationship. Both of you may be sexually incompatible (that happens in straight or other relationships too).

    Have you tried talking about his body in relation to his identity? Try opening up that conversation a bit more in a less adversarial or sex-oriented way and more as a general topic. You've jumped to some big conclusions there like being in a completely sexless relationship. If you're interested in figuring this out as a team, why not look at it as if you are part of this journey also? It's not you vs. him or vice versa. Both of you are in it together as partners.

    Are there other issues in the relationship? You seem like you already have one foot out the door, if you don't mind me saying. I realize you mentioned you both get along well but maybe it's a good idea reflecting on the relationship again or as a whole. Any other problems or issues weighing at you?

  7. #6
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    This isn't going to work, OP. He's not in a place to offer you the sort of relationship you're looking for.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    8 mos is a good time to cut your losses when it comes to incompatibility. Dating is not social work or an exercise in political correctness. Are you male or female?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    This is not going to work, you need to find a straight guy.
    Non-binary doesn't actually mean gay. As far as I understand it just means you don't strictly identify as only one gender. The person may feel as gender neutral or gender fluid. This is talking about gender identity. Sexuality is different to your gender. A non-binary person can be gay, bisexual, straight, anything.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He is transitioning medically so semantics don't really matter. What matters is no sex in this case. Therefore it needs to be done .
    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Non-binary doesn't actually mean gay.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    He is transitioning medically so semantics don't really matter. What matters is no sex in this case. Therefore it needs to be done .
    Yes of course but you can't say "you need to find a guy who is straight". Who said he is not straight? It's an assumption about his sexuality.

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