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Thread: I need lots of advice

  1. #1

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    I need lots of advice

    Hi everybody,

    First off, I need lots of advice. I recently got broken up with by my ex. We were together for 5 years and I thought he was the one. We also work together, so as you can imagine it is a difficult situation. In the beginning of our relationship, I couldn't shake the feeling I was a rebound from the last woman he was with. I didn't acknowledge that as much as I should of I got with him when I was 22 (he was 38). I had just got off of drugs and was seeking a stable man. Well, fast forward and we had a great relationship despite some bumps in the road. He blames a lot of my behavior on my mom who was a alcoholic with borderline personality disorder. I do have a bit of a temper and lots of impatience I need to work on.. He had a tendency to throw crying fits or pout when he didnt get his way.. he would even resort to yelling at me. He could never admit when he was wrong.
    My mom passed away last December from brain cancer so I've been grieving. I believe my ex and I got very distant after this because I was hurting so bad. Also, he started obsessing over conspiracy theories and getting so worked up about them. Well about a month ago my ex breaks up with me out of the blue. It didn't surprise me but I agreed and he said that we could still live together and "let's transition slowly". Well come to find out he was trying to rebound with a 25 year old woman we both work with. That devastated me. After days of his screaming and yelling I decided to move out. I came back to the house one day and all my things were packed with a tarp over it. That was that and I went on my way. Well the girl that he was attempting to rebound with talked to me and told me she was not interested and was weirded out by the entire thing. He found out we talked and claimed I influenced her and said he hated me and this and that. We hadn't talked for a month after that and just recently I got asked out by a coworker. Well, I am not ready and I told my coworker this. I dont know how my ex found out about it but he got enraged about this. Told me he was going to "f@ck him up". I was stunned about this behavior because it looked to me he was jealous. I dont understand him? I still really love him but i don't know what to do. This entire situation tore open an old wound and I feel my love resurfacing for him. I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm hoping that I'll get it and maybe never see him again.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing moving out. Sorry about your mother. turn to relatives and good friends and some grieving groups for support. Your departure from his life is a blessing for you.

    As much as possible block and delete him, except for required work communication. Report him if he keeps harassing or threatening you at work. If he is threatening violence against a coworker you need to tell a manager.
    Originally Posted by mrooster

    We also work together.

    I got with him when I was 22 (he was 38). I had just got off of drugs.

    My mom passed away last December from brain cancer so I've been grieving.

    I decided to move out.
    Told me he was going to "f@ck him up"

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mrooster
    Told me he was going to "f@ck him up".
    I think the fact that him saying this is what is is making your love "resurface" might be worth looking at in helping you understand how much better off you are without him. Just not sure what you're describing is love, to be perfectly honest, but the toxic imposter known as possessiveness.

    Crying fits, yelling at you, conspiracy theories, an inability to be humble: this is him. Blaming you, and saying he "hates" you, because a 25 year old woman lost interest in him: that, too, is him. Total hypocrisy when he goes full caveman in meddling in your own personal life: ditto.

    I'm very sorry about the loss of your mother. Process that in peace, not inside the tangled up war zone that he can't help but create. You stepped onto the right path in moving out. Stay on it, tough as I know it all is right now.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you know how uncontrollable and unreasonable he is with the fits and threats. You're no longer living together and this relationship is over so don't backtrack and start falling into a trap thinking that he still cares about you. He had his chance. Let the dust settle and start taking better care of yourself. I'm sorry about your mum.

    Your biggest hurdle is having to remain professional at work and see him on a regular basis at the workplace. Manage that better so that when you do see him in the office or at work, you're not overcome with shock and feelings of anger or resentment, or worse, falling for his breadcrumbing, plain crummy, same-old fits.

    If he takes a dig at you at work, don't respond. If he starts affecting your work or sabotaging your projects etc, talk to HR about harassment or your boss but I'd remain as private as possible so that few parties as possible know what's going on. Leave your personal issues at home as much as possible. Don't volunteer any details to any of your coworkers at all.

    Avoid any more dating at the workplace and stay away from individuals trying to take advantage of you when you're vulnerable or in this situation after a break up. It sounds more like a seedy bar than work. Maybe you work in an industry where this is the norm. If you're uncomfortable at this company, figure out whether you should be there in the first place. If there are options for you to transfer to a different office. My suggestion is to give things a chance to settle and learn to avoid selfish or unprofessional people in general.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    This might be harsh, but please understand that I'm genuinely trying to help you.

    You were looking for a stable man. That's good. However, age doesn't equal stability. In fact, no stable, normal, sane 38 year old is going to get involved seriously with a 22 year old child. Yes your age/life stage difference was that wast. Most people tend to stick roughly in their own peer group for many reasons, starting with life stage in common. Few large age disparity relationships are healthy or lasting for that matter. In fact, the 25 year old's reaction to him trying to hit on her as "eewww creepy" is a normal, healthy reaction. Second thing is you unwittingly sought out what is familiar. Your mom was borderline and this guy was acting equally unhinged. Instead of stability, you had chaos, but also, you are used to it and so it probably felt pretty normal.

    You are still young and have your life ahead of you. If you really want healthy and stable, please please get counseling, read some self help books, do whatever it takes to figure out what healthy and stable actually is. You have to unlearn a lot and learn new things. Like that jealousy and possessiveness is the opposite of love and caring. You've got to wrap your mind around that.

    Whatever you do, stay far away from this guy. This break up is truly a blessing in disguise for you.

  7. #6

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    Did you get your job?..I guess yes..Listen to your heart if you really wants to live with him then approach him otherwise its better to leave him. If you thing that this guy is not right guy for you than its better to move on then living unnecessarily with him. There is no one can give better answer then you.
    Do you think you have a happy future with him?
    Answer will be solution for your all problems.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I had just got off of drugs and was seeking a stable man
    The quality of man that I sought out shortly after I got clean was much, MUCH different from the quality of man that I choose today.

    Case in point: You were seeking a stable relationship, and ended up in a relationship that was exactly the opposite from the sounds of it.

    Give yourself some time to process ALL of the stuff you have had to deal with in your life, as well as to work on yourself, before getting into another relationship... it will help you better understand what it really means to have a stable relationship (hint: it will be a partnership and you will support each other).


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