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Thread: Am I being too sensitive?

  1. #1

    Am I being too sensitive?

    I met an amazing girl in August 2019, we really hit it off and I fell in love with her quite quickly. We had so much chemistry. I've never let myself fall for anyone before as I was always afraid of being hurt in relationships (Dad cheated on Mam). The longest I ever lasted dating one girl was 1 month.
    We had met each others families and everything was really going brilliantly so I asked her to be in a relationship about early October. She dodged the question. After that moment I think things took a turn. She started acting weird until late November. She became distant, woudln't contact as much etc. and put it down to not having time because she was studying for her Masters. After a long, painful phone call - we stopped seeing each other at her request. I actually felt guilty, I felt like I was putting her under too much pressure for a potential relationship, I thought I did a good thing by agreeing to end it so she could pursue her Masters. I felt so though because I was actually in love with her, I didn't tell her this though. About 2 weeks later she calls me at midnight, we speak for an hour. We agree to meet up for coffee at some point in the coming days because she feels sad. So it happens and she comes clean saying how her previous relationships were awful and the thought of another relationship made her afraid etc. etc. so thats why she ended it. So long story short we're back talking, she's ringing me everyday and talking as if we're in a relationship but .. eh? No we're not? So I say this to her, and say I'm all for being in contact again, but please don't use me as a support if you're not going to commit essentially. So, I don't hear from her for a week - she stopped contacting. I then reach out to her about mid December and ask to meet. We meet up, it's fine.. SHE kisses ME after an hour or so of chatting, I refrained from kissing her back because I don't want to get dragged back into this (but i secretly did want it). Anyway, we meet up again and again, we kiss, we hold hands, people think we are boyfriend/girlfriend. It's Christmas Eve. I say this to her, that I can't keep doing this if we're not in a relationship, I dont want to be just friends with benefits. She comes clean and says the reason she pushed me away in November was because she slept with one of her friends when I went to London. It was some sort of self-destruct thing, her excuse being that she didn't want a relationship but knew it was going that way so she slept with someone else to try and prove to herself that she didnt want a relationship. Her intentions weren't to hurt me, but hurt herself almost. Long story short, I storm out, we fight, I say a need time to think, she doesn't give me the time I asked for.. It's January 1st and I accepted her apology and we're in a relationship to this day. It's not July 1st, and we're on a break. I'm still ing heartbroken she did that. This isn;t the first time I've asked for space, Im not sure whether or not I can forgive her while we're still together. Mu thinking is that if we go on a break Ill have time to heal.. and like, no pressure if she moves on thats okay, if i move on thats okay. But for now, we're hopeless because I carry a sadness with me everyday and I get angry at her all the time... We're on a break 4 days now, and I dont really miss her, but at the same time I miss her so much. Any time i get stressed, all the bad thoughts of her sleeping with her friend rush back. Its exhausting.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Although it was painful, it was good she confessed. At least this gives you some closure so you can decide what you wish to do. Stay no contact so you can reflect and regroup.

  3. #3
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    I second Wiseman. At least you do have closure. Iím sorry she did that though.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    No doubt this is troubling you. I agree you need a few weeks to assess the situation. My personal experience...it's never the same.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Can we look at this objectively?

    Both of you didn't agree you were in a committed relationship until January 2020. She didn't cheat on you. She was honest about not being in the right headspace from August to Nov/Dec and has now taken a chance and opened herself up to you. Being vulnerable and being able to speak about difficult issues is part and parcel of being in a relationship.

    You seemed to be the one who wanted a relationship all along but perhaps your expectations were different.

    My opinion is that it takes time to get to know someone and a person very rarely is who he/she is in the first one to two years of dating. A lot of masks come off, vulnerabilities and flaws are exposed and people may be entirely different from what you thought they were or what they first projected themselves to be in the early days.

    It's overwhelming to believe that this person harmed you and deceived you in the most terrible of ways (sleeping around to prove a point? is there anything more cliche?). But I'd suggest taking a deep breath, a step back too and looking at the whole picture. I don't think either you knew each other very well and jumped into expectations and ideas of one another that were not accurate. This is very common. Slow down and take a look at this person now, who she is to you and what she is to you in your present and what she represents to you as your future.

    If you can say that you both add to each others' lives rather than take away from it, that's a place to start.

    Slow down with the overwhelming pain and her potentially offensive behaviour. She had a right to do whatever she pleased - she was not committed to you in any way back then.

  7. #6

    Thanks for all the replies, it really means a lot

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Can we look at this objectively?

    Both of you didn't agree you were in a committed relationship until January 2020. She didn't cheat on you. She was honest about not being in the right headspace from August to Nov/Dec and has now taken a chance and opened herself up to you. Being vulnerable and being able to speak about difficult issues is part and parcel of being in a relationship.

    You seemed to be the one who wanted a relationship all along but perhaps your expectations were different.

    My opinion is that it takes time to get to know someone and a person very rarely is who he/she is in the first one to two years of dating. A lot of masks come off, vulnerabilities and flaws are exposed and people may be entirely different from what you thought they were or what they first projected themselves to be in the early days.

    It's overwhelming to believe that this person harmed you and deceived you in the most terrible of ways (sleeping around to prove a point? is there anything more cliche?). But I'd suggest taking a deep breath, a step back too and looking at the whole picture. I don't think either you knew each other very well and jumped into expectations and ideas of one another that were not accurate. This is very common. Slow down and take a look at this person now, who she is to you and what she is to you in your present and what she represents to you as your future.

    If you can say that you both add to each others' lives rather than take away from it, that's a place to start.

    Slow down with the overwhelming pain and her potentially offensive behaviour. She had a right to do whatever she pleased - she was not committed to you in any way back then.
    Thanks for all the replies on this, it means a lot

  8. #7
    Thanks a lot for the reply


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