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Thread: Fiancés mom

  1. #1
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    Fiancés mom

    Hello everyone, I’m currently having a difficult situation with my future mother in law. My fiancé and I have been engaged for about two months and dating for about 2.5 years and have lived together for 1 year.

    I met my fiancé’s family soon into our relationship but don’t feel we’ve ever spent very much time with them. I’ve always felt I was friendly towards his mom but will admit I can be shy when first meeting people. I don’t feel I’ve ever felt comfortable around her to really open up but again we haven’t spent very extended periods of times together nor do they come around very often to our house or vise versa.

    I invited his parents to come look at a wedding venue with us as well as with my parents, I gave a date time and place. Turns out she forgot and didn’t end up coming, I had told my fiancé we should remind her but he felt she had all the necessary info and if it was important to her she should remember. We ended up booking the venue and texted her to let her know and asked what happened. She ignored his texts and he called two days later to see what happened. She became very upset on the phone, cried etc he apologized for not reminding her but explained that she hasn’t made an effort or really acted too happy about our engagement. She then claimed she doesn’t make an effort because “I’m hard to talk to and don’t say much and doesn’t feel I want to be close so she doesn’t try”. I didn’t get the full extent of the convo and can’t tell how much more was said but what I was told did hurt my feelings. My fiancé explained to her he notices she doesn’t make an effort with me and is very close to his brothers fiancé (she invites her places they do stuff one on one- she has never done this with me or even reached out). When we got engaged it took her two days to call and congratulate us, she did call me personally but I was offended it took so long. Come to find out she was upset she wasn’t involved in the proposal.

    Anyways him and her had a heated discussion and he then told me too much of what she said which really upset me. I decided to shoot her a text and apologize if I ever gave the impression I didn’t want a relationship with her and that I hope we can all go check out the venue together soon and would really like to form a relationship. She received the text but never responded- this was earlier in the afternoon it is now 11 PM. I don’t really know where to go from her but I am becoming pretty upset about the whole thing. Any advice on what to do? I feel like throughout our relationship I have tried to step up and open lines of communication but haven’t gotten anything back but it sounds like she feels the same. My fiancé and I have a great relationship but I’m feeling some strain today over all of this, I can tell he’s upset about how his mom is acting but I feel he opened Pandora’s box but mentioning to his mom how she acts towards me.

    Any advice is helpful

  2. #2
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    Sorry you're going through this at a time that should be exciting and celebratory.

    His mom sounds difficult. She wanted to be involved in the proposal? Good grief. Do you expect she might have "forgotten" on purpose to show up to the venue? It very much sounds like she is jealous of you and the fact that she doesn't have her son all to herself anymore and she's going to passive-aggressively make sure you know it. My assumption is that she intentionally didn't show up and waited to see if anyone would seek her out.

    For what it's worth, I think you did the mature thing by reaching out to her. It's her problem if she wants to sulk and ignore you. Let her. I know it's not easy but you are going to have to draw your own line in the sand in dealing with her. You've tried to reestablish communication and she dropped the ball. I don't think there is much else you can or should do. Your fiance is going to need to stand up to her if he wants to see some positive changes, especially as wedding planning ramps up. She can either join in, or sit at home and pout, but i would not indulge the latter. I would let her stay home and be angry rather than trying to appease her and cause further chaos. I would also ask your fiance to keep further critiques of you (from her) to himself. There is no need to hear more details, now that you know that's up.

  3. #3
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    I think it’s fine that she has a better connection with his brothers fiancée.
    That’s probably a natural connection where yours isn’t. You can’t force these things.

    She, I doubt is upset about not being involved in the proposal itself but more about how she found out how you were engaged? How did she? Because it certainly doesn’t sound like you phoned her to tell her which would have been the appropriate thing to do.
    Instead you grumble about how it took HER two days to call you !? And you were offended???
    I think she had more right to be offended tbh.

    Why would you invite parents to check out a venue , unless of course they are paying?

    I think she is right to not be so involved in the wedding plans.
    Sounds like the kind of mother in law most people would want imo lol

    To me it sounds like your fiancé is the one creating drama here.
    And passing on misinterpreted conversations.

    Is this poor communication on his end? Creating issues between you and his mother? For no valid reason?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Let him deal with his mother. You can't force things. Be polite and respectful but realize that you don't have to like each other or be best friends. Your bf should not force you together.

    Some parents simply never like thier children's partners. Don't jump through hoops or take anything personally. It's as much your bf and his mother's job to be civil with you. If she's not, let it go.

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  6. #5
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    If you are not besties with your in-law family this is ok. She is being rude , yes, but let him handle it. You have offered your olive branch and she is being childish. My in-laws and I have had a thin veil of politeness for over 30 years. We both can’t stand each other . For years this bothered me intently. But now they are extremely elderly and very frail and can’t do a thing to me.

    So just don’t worry about it not everybody is meant to get along with their in-laws.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    I think it’s fine that she has a better connection with his brothers fiancée.
    That’s probably a natural connection where yours isn’t. You can’t force these things.

    She, I doubt is upset about not being involved in the proposal itself but more about how she found out how you were engaged? How did she? Because it certainly doesn’t sound like you phoned her to tell her which would have been the appropriate thing to do.
    Instead you grumble about how it took HER two days to call you !? And you were offended???
    I think she had more right to be offended tbh.

    Why would you invite parents to check out a venue , unless of course they are paying?

    I think she is right to not be so involved in the wedding plans.
    Sounds like the kind of mother in law most people would want imo lol

    To me it sounds like your fiancé is the one creating drama here.
    And passing on misinterpreted conversations.

    Is this poor communication on his end? Creating issues between you and his mother? For no valid reason?

    I think you’re missing a lot of info. She explicitly said she was upset he proposed with out allowing her to plan a grand gesture “ I wanted to get a hot air balloon and you just went and did it your own way”. Even when congratulating me she mentioned she wanted to plan something huge. And yes we phoned her and she never answered and we texted and she didn’t reply.

    My parents and us are paying, she expressed interest in wanting to help us look- hence the invite.

    I don’t think my fiancé is the issue.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by cotalava
    I think you’re missing a lot of info. She explicitly said she was upset he proposed with out allowing her to plan a grand gesture “ I wanted to get a hot air balloon and you just went and did it your own way”. Even when congratulating me she mentioned she wanted to plan something huge. And yes we phoned her and she never answered and we texted and she didn’t reply.

    My parents and us are paying, she expressed interest in wanting to help us look- hence the invite.

    I don’t think my fiancé is the issue.
    I didn’t miss out on any info in your opening post. At all.

    You phoned her and she didn’t answer? Well then you don’t let others know about your engagement until you do speak to her and close family. His or yours. You or your fiancé texted her to tell her you were engaged?

    I’m sorry but that is rude. Regardless of the fact that you couldn’t get hold of her on the phone. You could have texted with please call back, important news to share. Not a btw we are engaged.

    It sounds like her response to her son about a hot air balloon was a sarcastic one not her actual sentiments.

    Discuss with your fiancée before you label her the bad guy!

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    I didn’t miss out on any info in your opening post. At all.

    You phoned her and she didn’t answer? Well then you don’t let others know about your engagement until you do speak to her and close family. His or yours. You or your fiancé texted her to tell her you were engaged?

    I’m sorry but that is rude. Regardless of the fact that you couldn’t get hold of her on the phone. You could have texted with please call back, important news to share. Not a btw we are engaged.

    It sounds like her response to her son about a hot air balloon was a sarcastic one not her actual sentiments.

    Discuss with your fiancée before you label her the bad guy!
    Did I say I let others know? Lol. You are jumping to conclusions. We phoned- no answer, we sent pics what else are we supposed to do? We then FaceTimed with his sister who was with his mom but she didn’t say anything. She called back two days later and seemed genuinely happy for us and expressed wanting to be involved in the wedding planning.

    Her response was not sarcastic at all and I heard it as well when she phoned me post engagement “me and Jennifer wanted to plan this whole thing we had so many ideas” (Jennifer being the sister) she is genuine about that truly wanted a big fiasco for the engagement even though my fiancé didn’t want that.

    I clearly have discussed all this with my fiancé and that’s why I am here- to get unbiased opinions. He thinks his mom is being unusually strange about the whole situation.

  10. #9
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    I would let him handle his mom. That will be more effective.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I would let him handle his mom. That will be more effective.
    I think so too, just hate being in this position

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