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Thread: I can't seem to fully engage emotionally until relationships have ended

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I bristled a bit at your last two sentences, I admit.
    I'm so sorry if I implied that the advice I was getting was just another form of escape. That was not my meaning at all. I really appreciate your input, your last post especially. I'v read it several times and marvel at the insight, and alongside that feel that my motivations are much more transparent to others than they feel to me.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustard
    I'm so sorry if I implied that the advice I was getting was just another form of escape. That was not my meaning at all. I really appreciate your input, your last post especially. I'v read it several times and marvel at the insight, and alongside that feel that my motivations are much more transparent to others than they feel to me.
    Oh, didn’t mean it that way. Just thought you were shortchanging yourself a touch with the idea that lessons are a way to avoid pain.

  3. #33
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    Welp, I messed up. I reached out to her. I sent her an email detailing my thoughts about my attachment issues and that I'd been going to therapy, among other things. She replied, but it wasn't great. She's expanded the list of reasons for leaving. I had a meltdown last december after discovering that she'd been extremely dishonest with me at a critical time in our reconciliation, and I was cruel to her, including having very cold sex with her. I was absolutely crushed, felt humiliated, and in the fog and emotional chaos of the two days following, I did what i could to make sure she felt like I did. We had talked about it after the fact and it seemed okay, but seven months later, after not mentioning it since, she claims to have been traumatized by it and says I cannot control my anger, though I never so much as raised my voice outside of that incident in our three years together. She said that we were not well-suited for each other but said she didn't think it would be productive to elaborate. she said she's deeply drained after going through this again and that she has no interest in working things out. She said she'd like to be friends some day.

    The tonal shift form our most recent interaction prior to this was startling. Previously she'd seemed uncertain, saying that she didn't want to walk away but felt like she needed to. She even told me to hold onto her apartment keys. Now, five weeks later, she's totally done and says that she needed to lie to me because I can't control my anger and that, after 3 years, we are ultimately not compatible. I'm shocked at the swiftness with which she reached all of these conclusions, and that she found such firm ground without so much as talking to me about any of these concerns.

    The finality of it was brutal and odd. I responded, telling her that I wished I"d been given the opportunity to discuss everything and that i was sorry for losing a good chunk of control last winter. I told her that if she ever changed her mind about us, that I'd have lots to say about anything she might want to talk about. I didn't know how else to respond, and it was too painful to say to goodbye to everything without carving out a little space in my heart for another chance at some point.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this.

    Much as it hurts, I hope you can use this exchange as a a stepping stone to move forward, rather than continue to spin in the loop you've been in. Another person's feelings, in the end, always demand our respect, and she'd done you a favor in articulating hers with clarity, no ambiguity. You've done the same. End scene.

    In numerous earlier posts you've made it clear that you spent much of this relationship surprised she stayed in it. Can only imagine that wasn't a recipe for confidence in her, though I'd also imagine it was her own lack of confidence that allowed her to stay in it, if also being something that prevented you from fully investing emotionally. Alas, seems she needed that experience to find a little moxie, to grow further into herself. Don't fret about the specifics here, but just wish her best in your head and heart, and let her continue on that path.

    And, most critically, give some thought to the sort of path you'd like to carve out for yourself. Reflect on this relationship—same thing she's doing—and ask yourself if you'd like to build your next one with different materials. Look at the life you're living right this second—the choices you're making—and ask yourself if it's pointing you in that direction, or not. Each answer to those questions is an opportunity for adjustment, for leading yourself somewhere new. Hang in there.

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