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Thread: moving in reality check

  1. #1

    moving in reality check

    To make a long story short, Iím having problems regarding moving in with my boyfriend. For the past school year weíve been in an LDR. During this time, heís really been pushing the idea of moving in together. Heíd periodically visit apartments and send me pics, links to apartments online, and just in general talk about how much he wanted to live together if I was able to transfer to his university. In May I found out that I was accepted to his prestigious university. Itís a much better education for me and I want to be with him so I accepted the offer. Anyways... a few days after I found out I told him that we should definitely make sure weíre ready to move in together. Iím not one for surprises. He agreed that we should definitely think about it... but neither of us said it was off the table. Well, in the past few weeks, heís asked me to say no to any other roommate offers. Itís important to note that due to current social distancing restrictions I am required to find off-campus housing on my own. He had the luxury of choosing whether to live on campus or not. Recently, my parents sat me down and told me I need to make a decision soon as class starts in just under 2 months. They are financing a majority of my education for now and I am working on a tight budget. Today I tried to tell him that he really needed to give me a yes or no, and I wasnít happy with his answer. He keeps saying that he needs more time but also that heís not sure if he wants to move in anymore. Logically, I totally understand not wanting to rush anything; however, I just donít understand why he made it seem like he was so sure in the first place. Also, weíve been dating for 2 yrs... itís not like we donít know each other well enough yet. Maybe he had a reality check... but I donít have the luxury of waiting around much longer. He didnít have to live off campus and only confirmed that decision with the university last week. Also, he is not operating on a budget like I am. I just feel like Iíve been put into a bad position... part of which is my own fault. I am running out of time and options. The more I pressure him... the more I feel like Iím coercing him... the more I wait... the less options I have. I just donít think he truly understands where Iím coming from. I donít understand what changed in the past month to where heís no longer ready to move in. I just wish he wouldíve told me sooner because now Iím kind of screwed and I really get the feeling that heís gonna end up telling me no anyways. I canít help but feel rejected in a way. Like why would he play up this dream of living together this fall if that isnít really what he wanted? I feel disillusioned and like he doesnít want me anymore. I donít know what I should do from here. Do I just wait around on the chance that he does end up saying yes? Or do you think he now feels too forced by my circumstances? Should I just suck it up and get a roommate?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Find a roommate. Don't play house. It's a raw deal for you and will severely limit your freedom and enjoyment of your college experience.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    If it were me and my BF was dragging his feet I would have made the decision to find a roommate right then and there. Focus on the great education you are going to get...BFs will come and go.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Never force a relationship to the next level.

    He doesn't wamt to live with you enough. Remove the option and pull way back.

    You sound like you're way more invested than he is. Which at 2 years is understandable... but not if he's so wishy washy. you both should want to live together or you both should not.

    I'd re-evaluate this whole relationship.... don't be so attached to someone that is obviously keeping his options open.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Ontario Canada
    I agree with the above posters, find your own place and own roommate. You can still be with him but not live with him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Quit hoping he will change his mind or you will end up with no housing.

    He obviously doesn't want to live together. Find your own housing. If he changes his mind and wants to live together in the future you can plan that later. If your relationship is going to last, waiting a few months or a year won't change anything.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    Please don't play house and wifey to a college bf. Stop pressuring him, get your own place, make your own life and friends at uni once you move there. Do not lean on him for anything. Reason being that moving in with a bf will stagnate your life and likely put too much pressure on your relationship and him in particular to be your everything. You do not want to find yourself in that situation. You want to have your own life not only for your own well being, but for the health of the relationship.

    LDR might have worked, but you have no idea how it will be when you close that distance. So find out without rushing and pushing into anything. You stand on your own two feet and he does on his.

    Overall, I don't think it's that he doesn't know it's a problem for you, I think he has thought better of it and is simply too much of a coward to tell you what you don't want to hear - you shouldn't be living together quite yet. Could also be that it was easy to future talk and sweet talk when you were far away and he didn't think you'll get accepted and actually move. Now that he has to live up to the talk, turns out it was idle. All the more reason for you to put less stock into his talk and get busy ensuring your own place and life outside of the relationship. He might not be as deep in and as serious about you as you think.

    I can't believe your parents aren't telling you straight up that you shouldn't be living with a bf at this point in your life.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Let's look at the situation as a whole.

    How well do you know one another? Would moving in together be one of convenience? What are your reasons for dating him? Is this the first instance of him being inconsistent? He may have shown you signs of this or it may have been missed because you were both long distance for a year. Was any part of the relationship not long distance?

    You mentioned the word 'luxury' a few times and I'm feeling a lot of bitterness and resentment because both of you come from different backgrounds. He was inconsistent with you and hurtful. This person is showing you his personality and what he is. The rose-coloured lenses should be coming off at some point but I hope it doesn't affect your studies and your schooling.

    Do your parents know about your boyfriend and moving in together? What do they think about this or are they leaving it to you to decide?

    Have a serious think about this for awhile - what's at stake, what your reasons are for this relationship, look at what this person is showing you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    You mentioned you'd be transferring universities. I'll assume you currently go to one. I'd say stay exactly where you are.
    I get the other university is prestigious, but it's not the time to move during this much uncertainty and with a boyfriend who lured you there to begin with and now seems to be pulling the rug from under you.

    Do not attempt to move in with someone who doesn't share the same enthusiasm you do.
    This guy won't even give an answer.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 07-01-2020 at 12:21 PM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Don't move in with him yet. He's not ready for it, now that push has come to shove.

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