Anyone Who Has experienced this?

Okay this is the sad story, I'm a 43 year old woman with a 25 son who still lives at home. He hasn't really kept a job until recently. Problem is he is a drinker and sometimes is actually okay, but sometimes not so much.

He doesn't pay rent, but that doesn't bother me as long as he supports himself. He still can't consistently do that either. I also have COPD (lung disease) and find it difficult to do the things I used to be capable of. Actually I just took an early retirement from a Government job because of my health issues. Knowing I was going to be lonely after leaving my job I got a puppy. I love her to the moon. He is now criticizing me for not taking her for enough walks. I do take her out twice a day minimum. He also says I "spoil her" and that I shouldn't even have her. This all hurts me so much. I love my kid, but can't take his BS much longer. At this point in my life I hoped to have peace in my life. Seems that isn't happening.

I hate to toss his ass out, but I'm beyond stressed.

Anyone have any insight on this, I feel so alone.

And thank you.....

Where is his father? Can he move in with his father?

There is no reason he should be home. He doesn’t dictate to you what you do in your home. He’s actually not supporting himself if he’s not paying rent. He needs to go.

My son who has a disability has been paying me rent since he was 18. He also pays his own credit card, his own cell phone and his own student loan. If you are allowing your child to be lazy and dependant you’re not doing him any favours whatsoever. When you are gone nobody’s going to pander to him.

I wish, I chose to let his father go after Michael (my son) was three months old. He actually did jail time for assaulting me.

Thanks for your reply.

I know, it's so depressing. I hate to toss him out on account of the pandemic. I couldn't live with the guilt of something happening to him.

You do your son no favours by letting him live with you for free. At 25 he needs to move out. A puppy is none of his business. Give him 2 weeks to find a new place to live and then he needs to be gone.

Thnx so much, I tend to agree. I need to get my sh*t together I guess...

I'm sorry for not responding properly, his father is a total loser... and I don't say that lightly, he assaulted me and spent time in jail. Not a good person by any means.

I know sometimes we can’t get caught up feeling sorry for our kids for life events etc but this does not help our kids at all. Sometimes being tougher is for the better .

~Seraphim~ - There is no reason he should be home. He doesn’t dictate to you what you do in your home. He’s actually not supporting himself if he’s not paying rent. He needs to go.

You do your son no favours by letting him live with you for free. At 25 he needs to move out. A puppy is none of his business. .

I totally agree with the above two posts. You're not doing him any favours. In fact, you are enabling him. You allow him to treat you this way. Trust me, he's old enough to cope on his own. He's not a helpless little boy. He's selfish and taking advantage. What you need right now is to show him some tough love and at the same time show him you have some self-respect.

If he's an alcoholic or addicted to alcohol he needs help. Have you talked to him about sobering up or gone with him to an alcoholics group? Has he been assessed for any mental health issues such as depression?

He should be on his own but I'm not sure how that would happen, realistically speaking, if he has mental health issues or an addiction problem.

Imo, you need to seek professional counseling on how to manage this situation. It sounds likeb you need to present him with a realistic timeline including spefic deadlines regarding finding a job and moving out and then stick to it.

There comes a time when you have to have your kids stand on their own 2 feet. That's part of being a parent, is steering them towards independence.

He's too old to be at home. And add into it, he is now causing you upset. It's time for him to learn how to stand on his own 2 feet.

Obviously give him enough time to find a job and be financially well enough to be able to pay his own rent, but also tell him that you're not okay with him telling you how to do things when it comes to the puppy. After all, he is the son and you're the parent. It's not up to him to tell you how to do things.

I wish, I chose to let his father go after Michael (my son) was three months old.

I'm assuming you mean spanking, etc? Because that's not the answer. No child needs to be hit, ever. You can teach your child right from wrong and can enforce it, in a healthy manner without the use of physical trauma or threatening.

You sit your son down, explain to him why something is wrong or not right. Express what he needs to do to fix it, if he doesn't, then you can do time outs, groundings, not giving him money, etc.

If you had kept on with that kind of parenting and actually showed him you mean it when you say, no...then he would still learn and still respect you and spanking is never needed.

But at this point, it sounds as though you're giving into him and allowing him to do as he pleases, without any consequences. You are also letting him speak to you however he pleases, and dictate to you in your own home.

He's getting too bold on how he behaves and there is no respect from him to you.

That needs to be remedied.

Just to add as well, just say that he did decide to get a job and pay you rent, etc. That still will not give him to right to dictate to you or disrespect you in your own home. Just the same as you wouldn't allow it from any other renter.

An adult child should not be living from your disability checks. Make sure you haven't turned him into a pseudo spouse. You are enabling him because you are afraid to be alone.

First, have a conversation...he needs a firm mom talk. If he says you don't have any right to tell him what he needs to do because he's an adult, you then tell him he needs to act like one and move out on his own. I agree give him a deadline when this is all to happen. If he plays games, no food will be in the cupboards, no spending money...zero. If that doesn't work, start finding a place to live, move out. Once he's out of your hair, this will give you the opportunity to find a social life, make new friends, reach out to old ones etc....a whole new world will open up to you. The key here is to be positive. IMO he's the one that is making you lonely..he is inhibiting you from having your own life. You have been focusing on him for way too long. You deserve to have your own happiness right? That isn't being selfish.

You have been enabling him. He should have been paying rent, all along. He also does not contribute around the house, and is dictating how you should raise the dog.

Does he give you money for utilities or food?

Do him a big favor: kick him out! It is time for him to grow up!

I know, it's so depressing. I hate to toss him out on account of the pandemic. I couldn't live with the guilt of something happening to him.

He could still get sick living with you. I don't understand?

He would have less money to spend on the booze, if you weren't supporting him. You should be more concerned about the alcohol.

OP, by letting your son live with you like that, you are not allowing him to grow up, which is detrimental to him and his well being.

If he has a problem with alcohol, have you ever taken him to a psychiatrist? The reason I'm saying this is that the apple often doesn't fall far from the tree. If his father was nuts, your son might well have mental health problems he is self medicating with alcohol. Not saying he is aware he is doing it either, but this is sadly common. A lot of people who abuse alcohol or drugs have underlying untreated mental health issues.

The way he is talking to you, not only completely disrespectful, but also sounds like he is jealous of the dog like a child might be jealous of a new sibling. See above about failing to mature, not being allowed to mature.

I don't actually agree with the toss him out right now advice, although that is what needs to happen eventually. I do think you need to speak to a good psychiatrist about everything and figure out a plan on how to get him on his feet and out of your house, aka how to make up for what should have been done years ago now in way that's constructive, rather than destructive. In some ways, you actually need to learn how to have better boundaries and a healthier relationship with your son. It's not just on him. It's both of you.

Dr Phil quote 'doing too much for your children is a form of child abuse'

Strong words but the message here is that it's our job as a parent to teach our children to be self sufficient and if you've done your job well, they want to leave you and be on their own.

I have two sons close to your sons age. When they turned 18 I gave them conditions that they may live at home. Full time school, full time work, part time school/work. I wasn't supporting adults.

The truth is I'd baby them forever, but I knew that being a single parent wasn't a popularity contest and I couldn't always be their friend. Don't get me wrong, we are very close but I took my job as a mom seriously and was committed to see that they launched successfully.

I can't help but wonder if you aren't as assertive as you should be because you get something out of his company and still having him at home.

It's hard to see them go, I get it. Even though I worked and had a full life, I cried and was in funk for quite some time when they left the nest. Your situation is even more complex seeing you are home alone. But it doesn't change your responsibility to push this young man to his potential.

I won't pretend it's easy. But anything less is enabling him.

Try getting involved with Al-Anon. They can help and have online and telephone meetings. They provide tools to help with family or friends with alcoholism.

We do our children a disservice if they are not taking care of themselves when they are adults. The problem isn't now, but when you are no longer around. What happens then?

A friend of mine has an aunt like that. She is in her 60s and never had a job but instead was financially supported by her mother. Well, her mother passed away and she had not owned her home, so this aunt is now struggling to find someone who will let her live with them and to try to find employment. She finally found someone who was willing to let her live at the mobile home park they owned in exchange for some work, but this aunt became ill. Of course, with never having worked she had no savings and is not eligible for Social Security. So she is not receiving adequate medical care (because in this country medical care is a for-profit business). So, essentially she is waiting to die.

Instead of kicking him out, how about mandating that he must have a full time job within X amount of weeks and he will pay you X amount of rent every month? And then give him a timeframe for moving out, say 4 months. Rentals are still available even during the pandemic and landlords are anxious to rent, so he should be able to find a place.

Talk to your doctor about what is happening. Perhaps they can get a social worker to look in on you. Make very sure he does not have access to your accounts or passwords, routinely check your credit scores. Ultimatums and timelines will not work.If they did he would be gone.

Make sure you have a lot of people coming to the house, friends, neighbors, other family, attendants, help with chores, meals on wheels or whatever your disability or the community will provide. Develop as much independence (from him) as possible.

This often helps to discourage grown kids like your son to engage in the elder/disabled abuse (financial, emotional and otherwise)Read up on it, you seem intimidated by him. The typical perpetrator is an unemployed adult child with a substance abuse problem.

Start reading up on it: https://ncea.acl.gov/What-We-Do/Research/Statistics-and-Data.aspx#perpetrators

I also have COPD (lung disease) and find it difficult to do the things I used to be capable of. Actually I just took an early retirement from a Government job because of my health issues.

I don't think it's a good idea to "have a lot of people coming to the house" during a pandemic when the OP has health issues (with all due respect to Wiseman).

Rather, I stand by my advice...a timeline and if he doesn't comply, enforce the timeline.

Good catch. Yes have people come to the door or at least make it know that you have people. If you need a nurse or attendant they will be in masks and gloves anyway. But do not isolate yourself.

I don't think it's a good idea to "have a lot of people coming to the house" during a pandemic when the OP has health issues (with all due respect to Wiseman).