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Thread: Anyone Who Has experienced this?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If he's an alcoholic or addicted to alcohol he needs help. Have you talked to him about sobering up or gone with him to an alcoholics group? Has he been assessed for any mental health issues such as depression?

    He should be on his own but I'm not sure how that would happen, realistically speaking, if he has mental health issues or an addiction problem.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, you need to seek professional counseling on how to manage this situation. It sounds likeb you need to present him with a realistic timeline including spefic deadlines regarding finding a job and moving out and then stick to it.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    There comes a time when you have to have your kids stand on their own 2 feet. That's part of being a parent, is steering them towards independence.

    He's too old to be at home. And add into it, he is now causing you upset. It's time for him to learn how to stand on his own 2 feet.

    Obviously give him enough time to find a job and be financially well enough to be able to pay his own rent, but also tell him that you're not okay with him telling you how to do things when it comes to the puppy. After all, he is the son and you're the parent. It's not up to him to tell you how to do things.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 07-01-2020 at 05:21 AM.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I wish, I chose to let his father go after Michael (my son) was three months old.
    I'm assuming you mean spanking, etc? Because that's not the answer. No child needs to be hit, ever. You can teach your child right from wrong and can enforce it, in a healthy manner without the use of physical trauma or threatening.

    You sit your son down, explain to him why something is wrong or not right. Express what he needs to do to fix it, if he doesn't, then you can do time outs, groundings, not giving him money, etc. <<< I am meaning from the time he was a little guy, not now.

    If you had kept on with that kind of parenting and actually showed him you mean it when you say, no...then he would still learn and still respect you and spanking is never needed.

    But at this point, it sounds as though you're giving into him and allowing him to do as he pleases, without any consequences. You are also letting him speak to you however he pleases, and dictate to you in your own home.
    He's getting too bold on how he behaves and there is no respect from him to you.
    That needs to be remedied.

    Just to add as well, just say that he did decide to get a job and pay you rent, etc. That still will not give him to right to dictate to you or disrespect you in your own home. Just the same as you wouldn't allow it from any other renter.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    An adult child should not be living from your disability checks. Make sure you haven't turned him into a pseudo spouse. You are enabling him because you are afraid to be alone.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    First, have a conversation...he needs a firm mom talk. If he says you don't have any right to tell him what he needs to do because he's an adult, you then tell him he needs to act like one and move out on his own. I agree give him a deadline when this is all to happen. If he plays games, no food will be in the cupboards, no spending money...zero. If that doesn't work, start finding a place to live, move out. Once he's out of your hair, this will give you the opportunity to find a social life, make new friends, reach out to old ones etc....a whole new world will open up to you. The key here is to be positive. IMO he's the one that is making you lonely..he is inhibiting you from having your own life. You have been focusing on him for way too long. You deserve to have your own happiness right? That isn't being selfish.

  8. #17
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    You have been enabling him. He should have been paying rent, all along. He also does not contribute around the house, and is dictating how you should raise the dog.

    Does he give you money for utilities or food?

    Do him a big favor: kick him out! It is time for him to grow up!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Tragicmouse
    I know, it's so depressing. I hate to toss him out on account of the pandemic. I couldn't live with the guilt of something happening to him.
    He could still get sick living with you. I don't understand?

    He would have less money to spend on the booze, if you weren't supporting him. You should be more concerned about the alcohol.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 07-01-2020 at 11:36 AM.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, by letting your son live with you like that, you are not allowing him to grow up, which is detrimental to him and his well being.

    If he has a problem with alcohol, have you ever taken him to a psychiatrist? The reason I'm saying this is that the apple often doesn't fall far from the tree. If his father was nuts, your son might well have mental health problems he is self medicating with alcohol. Not saying he is aware he is doing it either, but this is sadly common. A lot of people who abuse alcohol or drugs have underlying untreated mental health issues.

    The way he is talking to you, not only completely disrespectful, but also sounds like he is jealous of the dog like a child might be jealous of a new sibling. See above about failing to mature, not being allowed to mature.

    I don't actually agree with the toss him out right now advice, although that is what needs to happen eventually. I do think you need to speak to a good psychiatrist about everything and figure out a plan on how to get him on his feet and out of your house, aka how to make up for what should have been done years ago now in way that's constructive, rather than destructive. In some ways, you actually need to learn how to have better boundaries and a healthier relationship with your son. It's not just on him. It's both of you.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Dr Phil quote 'doing too much for your children is a form of child abuse'
    Strong words but the message here is that it's our job as a parent to teach our children to be self sufficient and if you've done your job well, they want to leave you and be on their own.

    I have two sons close to your sons age. When they turned 18 I gave them conditions that they may live at home. Full time school, full time work, part time school/work. I wasn't supporting adults.
    The truth is I'd baby them forever, but I knew that being a single parent wasn't a popularity contest and I couldn't always be their friend. Don't get me wrong, we are very close but I took my job as a mom seriously and was committed to see that they launched successfully.
    I can't help but wonder if you aren't as assertive as you should be because you get something out of his company and still having him at home.

    It's hard to see them go, I get it. Even though I worked and had a full life, I cried and was in funk for quite some time when they left the nest. Your situation is even more complex seeing you are home alone. But it doesn't change your responsibility to push this young man to his potential.
    I won't pretend it's easy. But anything less is enabling him.

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