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Thread: How to end it respectfully

  1. #1

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    How to end it respectfully

    I have been with someone for about 10 months. She is amazing. We are in love. We have never had a fight. We have gotten to love each others family and friends. She moved recently to another city a few hours away. We continue to talk all the time and see each other on weekends.

    However, I find myself deeply unhappy when I am not wish her, like very deeply unhappy. I miss her very much. But also, I am quite logical, and look to the long term, and know she will not be in a position to even consider moving back to my city for a year, if then. My moving to her city does not work sadly due to my particular work.

    I want to tell her that, although it is so painful, I really do wish to end the relationship at this time. I do not think I can do it for another year given some of the mental effects I see it having on me at this time. I in no way wish to pressure her to start looking for a job in my city, professionally, I know her interests are best served by focusing on her career and mentorship for now, and even if she wished to, her employer couldnít promise anything at this time.

    I absolutely know other couples have made it work for longer times apart, etc. I wish I was them. But I am dawning to the realization that I am not them. I am afraid if I am not honest with her, my unhappiness will affect the relationship anyway.

    My question: I know this will hurt her terribly. Is there a means to communicate it which will cause the least amount of hurt to her Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Ten months ago, before starting to date her, weren't you alone all week and used to that and happy? Military families who are separated for 3 to 6 six months and more, at a time, would find seeing each other every weekend a dream.

    So you are so unhappy not seeing her on weekdays that you want to permanently not see her. Something doesn't add up here. Do you have a fulfilling life besides having a gf with time spent with hobbies and friends?

    Even though you get along fine, deep down, it sounds like you're just not that into her, so yes, it's best you break up now. Breakups are always upsetting and cause hurt. Just be honest and say what you did here. She'll survive and eventually move on to someone who is crazy about her. Since she's an independent woman willing to strive for her career goals, regardless of having to move a few hours away from her bf, she doesn't sound like some shrinking violet who will be utterly crushed with a breakup.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I totally get it. You have an expectation to have access and be close to your SO. I'm the same way. If it was only weekends, that would be a deal breaker for me because I want them more involved in my life....it's a choice, not right or wrong. It's not selfish of you to end it, you have your specific reasons that this won't do, not even for the long term. Better to not drag this out much longer. Breaking up is never easy, but it must be done. Everyone will heal,and move on to meet someone new and be happy again.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Honesty is the best policy. Simply tell her you can't handle long distance and wish to set each other free. There is no point dragging it out growing increasingly unhappy and resentful.
    Originally Posted by George132283
    I find myself deeply unhappy when I am not wish her, like very deeply unhappy. I miss her very much. But also, I am quite logical, and look to the long term, and know she will not be in a position to even consider moving back to my city for a year, if then. My moving to her city does not work sadly due to my particular work.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You can't manage others peoples experiences. At least not to the degree in which you say you don't want it to hurt.
    It will hurt and she'll be disappointed. Accept that.
    Tell her exactly what you shared with us. It's logical and thoughtful, but no matter how you slice it, disappointing.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    Military families who are separated for 3 to 6 six months and more, at a time, would find seeing each other every weekend a dream.
    Letís not compare apples to oranges here. There is a high divorce rate among first responders (Police and fire) and Military because some spouses find that they cannot handle the ďdistanceĒ or or being absent for holidays due to job demands. Itís a real issue for some people.

    I have been in a long distance relationship with my husband (before getting married) on and off because of school and career. We didnít get married until after 10 years of dating when our lives were settled because of it.

    LDRs are not for everyone. They take more effort to maintain than a regular relationship. If you are finding this a dealbreaker, then please end it. Be honest, say that LDRs are not for you.
    Hearts will be broken, but you need to do what is best for YOU.

  8. #7
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    So i would end it but is there a possibility of getting back together in the future - not that you should stay in contact but consider that peoples' careers/jobs change over time. My husband and I were long distance for a few years while dating -I agree it's hard. just tell her simply and plainly this situation doesn't work for you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Give her the "it's not you, it's me" story and scenario. Granted, rejection is rejection and there is no fancy way to say it. There is hurt, pain and tears. Get it over and done with so you can move on with your life. Be humble and apologize sincerely to her as well. Treat her with respect and someday, she'll get over it, too.

    And, don't suggest the "let's be friends and texting buddies" scenario because that doesn't work. It's best to sever all contact and make the break final.

    LDRs (long distance relationships) have a high failure rate due to inconvenience, hassle, expensive travel, time consuming travel and absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to drift apart. Distance in miles makes two people strangers all over again. Yes, I know there are LDR success stories out there but it is rare for a reason.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Do you have a problem spending time alone? If you see each other on weekends, what exactly are you looking for? Is it someone to see almost every day?

    Be careful not to confuse long distance issues or challenges with issues being alone in general. People need time apart to focus on their lives. It can't just be work and relationship. You would be stifling each other and stunting your growth in other areas.

    If she's not the one for you, then she's not the one for you. The reason I mentioned the above is the danger of you never being happy in any relationship unless you're constantly around the other person. This doesn't seem healthy to me.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I understand completely, long distance can be a killer and you're right, for some people it's a type of mental torture. You are right in that anyone in a relationship deserves to see their partner much more than what you are seeing her. Some people might be able to endure it, while others wouldn't even attempt.

    I think you have every right to decide that this is not going to work for you.

    Just be gentle and honest and let her know that long distance is too difficult and that you wish to end contact.

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