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Thread: Truth about No Contact - success stories?

  1. #1

    Truth about No Contact - success stories?

    Hello,

    I'm curious about the efficacy of No Contact.

    I've been broken up with my ex for nearly 4 months. It was a 2.5 year relationship, very deep emotional connection, but had some toxic elements to it from both sides. It was a passionate relationship, and I made some mistake early on by cheating on her (I make no excuses). However we reconciled and there was a 12 month period of redemption on my part. The break-up happened over the course of a couple of weeks where I made it clear that I wasn't happy with the lack of progression in our relationship. She took the opportunity to break-up, but it was ambiguous because she then chased me for a few days, but I let her know I needed space to clear my head. After taking a 4 day break, I reached out to discover that I had been blocked on the phone.

    First 3 weeks of the break-up I chased from time-to- time and tried to get some positive communication going. I was basically in denial about the break-up and thought she was just having a tantrum. This denial was reinforced by the fact that we had had several break-ups in the past and had reconciled. However, this time I couldn't reach her and I was blocked everywhere (my ex was heavily influenced by friends and psychologist who recommended completely cutting off contact as an effective way for her to move on - I discovered this through our final conversation before the final blanket-block).

    I then went into No Contact for 2 months to let her cool off. After 2 months, I reached out via the one channel I wasn't blocked on with a very non-needy "how are you?" type reach-out and used it to demonstrate a few positive changes I'd made in my life (quit smoking weed, moved into a new place, seeing a therapist and building stronger connections with family and friends). I didn't mention getting back together, or "missing her" or anything like that. The message remained unread for a week. It was then read, a few days later at 11:30pm on a Saturday night, I was blocked again.

    It's now been nearly a month since I last reached out and the plan now is indefinite No Contact from me and I plan to make no further attempts.

    I'm realistic about my chances and I know they are not good.

    Does anyone here have any insights into the psychology of my ex and the likelihood of ever hearing from her again?

    Things I've read on websites that your ex is most likely to reach out in the first 6 months post-break, and then the odds steadily decline after that.

    Thanks for reading. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Is there a reason why you want to reconnect with her? Without stating the obvious. I know you miss her and are in withdrawals. This is natural in any break up. Stop and take a look at the continuous on again/off again cycles that you've both been through.

    Why limit yourself to this person who hasn't made you happy - you've mentioned it has toxic elements.

    She doesn't want to have anything to do with you either and it's disrespectful to keep bombarding her with your presence or invading her privacy or life. It's also manipulative to look for ways to make her want you when what she's telling and showing you is that she doesn't want you around.

    It takes a lot of courage to write and share your story. It also takes courage to refuse any knee-jerk reactions and release someone. She deserves to be happy and so do you. Just not together.

  3. #3
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    No contact has a purpose and that is to protect yourself. It is not a ploy or game to get an upper hand, it is merely an act of self respect and allowing yourself to heal.

    She blocked you, should be enough of a sign to leave her alone. Several breakups perhaps she wishes to leave the count alone. It sounds like you are working on yourself, making those positive changes. Keep at it and you will find in time that this " psychology" to persuade another mind is not life's natural course. Don't worry man, you'll come out of this just fine.

  4. #4
    Thanks guys. This is not so much about manipulating her to be with me again, but more about understanding the course that these things take and whether I'm likely to ever hear from her again.

    I understand that reconciliation is unlikely. However, it seems that most people at least hear from their ex after a period of No Contact (but this doesn't mean reconciliation will happen - I'm talking more about breadcrumbs and curiosity). I'm more interested in this phenomena and appreciate that resurrecting the corpse of this failed relationship is likely in neither of our interests at the moment.

    From my end, I've made a lot of positive changes and I'm in a strong position to make it work with either her, or someone new in the near future. However, I had a 2.5 year intense, passionate and deeply connected relationship with this woman and I'm wondering how these things usually play out when there's an "unresolved" aspect to the relationship and an abrupt severance of communication.

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  6. #5
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    "Breadcrumbs" are just that, crumbs. Nothing substantial. Unless you hear the words " Lets discuss getting back together" verbatim or something similar you should ignore it.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    "Magnet of Success"? Is that one of those dating gurus?

    Those guys are full of beans. And I don't care how many "testimonials" they allegedly have from women or from men who use their "technique" and succeeded. Those testimonials are phony. Believe me, women can see right through any PUA or "techniques".

    However...I would take her actions as real. She blocked you, which means she doesn't want to communicate. If she changes her mind I'm sure she'll let you know. I do recommend you do not try to use any other means to contact her.

    You're doing well with your life now. There will be a woman who appreciates who you are. Instead of looking in the rear view mirror trying to revive the past, how about looking forward?

  8. #7
    I appreciate all the "move on, don't look back" advice. That's the typical advice when it comes to breakups.

    However, I think people commonly neglect to realise that "moving on" from a deep investment of 1+ years etc. is not as simple as just "moving on." Anyone who has truly been in love knows that it takes at least a year before you're genuinely not thinking about them regularly. If you're moving on within days or weeks then it wasn't really love. This is a fact of brain chemistry and the way the brain changes when you're in love, and the slow process it takes for the brain to re-wire itself after losing someone whom you care about.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I didn't see where anyone said it was "simple". Anything worth doing usually requires effort.

    Have you ever trained for a sport? Gone for a promotion at work? Completed college? All of those things are difficult and are far from "simple". But the end result is worth it.

    You don't have to think you should be "over it" immediately. It takes time. But sliding backward results in just that, going backward. You can't finish a marathon if you keep turning around and going back to the starter stand. Or looking at it over your shoulder.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by LordofCircle
    IAnyone who has truly been in love knows that it takes at least a year before you're genuinely not thinking about them regularly. If you're moving on within days or weeks then it wasn't really love.
    Quite an encompassing statement for the general population. You're throwing a lot of numbers around i.e. days, weeks, years, etc. Truth is there is no magic number when it comes to these things. It would behoove you to take people's advice on this site objectively, and understand that everyone's situation is different, and all of our experiences vary. So what are you actually asking? Will she contact you at some point? Possible. Will she potentially want to reconcile? Who knows. Point is it is out of your control. We can only advise what is in your control to help you as best we can.

  11. #10
    Grief isn't a linear marathon. It's a far more complicated process in the brain that follows no clearly defined path. It's like a 2 steps forward, 3 steps back process. Then suddenly you leap 4 steps forward, and then 3 steps back. Then you might go all the way back to the beginning of the process. Some people never get over it. This is just a scary fact of the Game of Love. No one can accurately predict the journey of an individual on the path of healing/not-healing.

    I don't think marathons or physical activities are helpful metaphors for grief and healing from emotional loss. Grief is highly complex and marathons are simply just a physical exertion "one-foot in front of the other" where the finish line is clearly defined ahead.

    The reality is that most people actually can't handle loss and it destroys them. They turn to medication and life is never the same.

    There are many snake oil salesman who box "breakups" and "grief" into neat little systems of "how to get over your ex in 30 days". As humans we want to simplify complexity. This is why the enigma of Grief and Loss is such a lucrative market. Everyone experiences these emotions differently, and is on their own unique path and timeline.

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