Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 40

Thread: Truth about No Contact - success stories?

  1. #21
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Location
    Japan
    Age
    37
    Posts
    140
    Gender
    Male
    Hey LordofCircle,

    Originally Posted by LordofCircle
    Does anyone here have any insights into the psychology of my ex and the likelihood of ever hearing from her again?
    Rather than delve into the pragmatic considerations or philosophical discourse raised by most of the replies, both yours and others, I just want to add my two cents with regard to the questions you directly ask.

    As to her psychology, its nigh impossible to offer any great insight given that I lack any formal qualification or training in that field and all the information is coming through you. However, I would guess that she views those incompatible aspects of you and the relationship as stable and unchangeable. I base this on the fact that she initiated the breakup and chose to go no contact by closing the lines of communication. I imagine this view is reinforced by the advice and insight of others she trusts, namely professional opinion from the psychologist and friendly advice from her friends. I understand you may view the issues as changeable, however that doesn't appear to be her position.

    This informs my answer to the second part of your question; the likelihood of her resuming contact. I would say it is unlikely, given that she appears to view the relationship as untenable on fundamental grounds, and that this is infact the second termination of the relationship. In addition, your failure to respect the termination by way of unwanted communication, contrary to your intent, has probably only served to reinforce her views, as evidenced by the escalation of the blocked contact.

    My heart goes out to you, this time is always difficult and confusing. I would encourage you to carefully evaluate the advice given here, as though it may seem reductive at times, it is proffered from experience and anecdotal evidence from members who have viewed literally thousands of like cases on ENA.

    Good luck,

    T Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It's actually heartbreaking reading your thoughts about reconciliation. They echo a lot of my ex-partner's thoughts but there's no possibility of reconciliation in my mind. Or, my idea of reconciliation is very different from his. Our ideas don't match and therefore, there likely will not be any reconciliation. It doesn't mean there's no love there.

    Letting go of an old relationship rarely happens in totality because of our very human capability to retain memories, negative and positive associations. Some memories as so powerfully negative that they can't be overcome with time or replacing old with new.

    Give yourself time to recover from her decision to remove you from her life also. It's not lack of empathy in the end, I think, but rather courage and independence (or strength) to finally say...maybe it's ok to let go. I've been through all your pain and your suffering and your thoughts. I felt the way you felt too. I think most of us have, with someone we've lost.

    If she comes back into your life, would you be able to trust her implicitly/completely? You're giving her a lot of power over you saying yes or no. But what about you? Have you considered whether it's a good choice to have someone like her in your life? She seems to have a fairly large support network that doesn't vouch for you or your integrity nor does it seem that anyone in her support network feels confident about you. This seems very negative towards you, damaging even. Is it healthy to want to be around a circle of people who don't trust you or feel confident about you? Do you expect to win them over if she comes around? Their thoughts won't change either about you. There will always be doubt and circumspect around your relationship. Do you trust her to always put you or the relationship first when she's shown that she can't or doesn't want to?
    Thank you for this generous response Rose.

    My ex is most certainly surrounded by negative and toxic support networks. All her friends are single, enjoying the "dating apps" lifestyle, and having regular wine parties and taking drugs. They are committed to single life and have enticed her to "join the party". This is common and forgivable. Some modern women are influenced into viewing commitment and relationships as oppressive, and that freedom and singledom are the pinnacle of being a strong and independent woman. I don't mean this in a negative way, and I support women who choose this course of life. Everyone is entitled to make their own choices. If this is what my ex truly wants for herself then I respect that choice.

    My ex has also been highly influenced by her mother, who herself was a victim of a messy divorce and takes an extreme anti-attachment, anti-love stance. The mother has been imploring my ex to end the relationship from day 1 because the mother mistakenly believes that "love = pain" based on her own life experiences.

    I take your point about giving my ex all the power. If my ex was to return, I would take it very slowly. I would not immediately invite her back into my life. I would take it very slowly and reconnect over a period of time.

    Thankfully, I've now reached a point in the breakup where I feel strong enough to let her go, while maintaining a seed of love for her should she ever return. I understand that there are many forces working against me now, but am willing to hold out a glimmer of hope that love may triumph in the end. Let's see.

  3. #23
    Originally Posted by WaywardKiwi
    Hey LordofCircle,



    Rather than delve into the pragmatic considerations or philosophical discourse raised by most of the replies, both yours and others, I just want to add my two cents with regard to the questions you directly ask.

    As to her psychology, its nigh impossible to offer any great insight given that I lack any formal qualification or training in that field and all the information is coming through you. However, I would guess that she views those incompatible aspects of you and the relationship as stable and unchangeable. I base this on the fact that she initiated the breakup and chose to go no contact by closing the lines of communication. I imagine this view is reinforced by the advice and insight of others she trusts, namely professional opinion from the psychologist and friendly advice from her friends. I understand you may view the issues as changeable, however that doesn't appear to be her position.

    This informs my answer to the second part of your question; the likelihood of her resuming contact. I would say it is unlikely, given that she appears to view the relationship as untenable on fundamental grounds, and that this is infact the second termination of the relationship. In addition, your failure to respect the termination by way of unwanted communication, contrary to your intent, has probably only served to reinforce her views, as evidenced by the escalation of the blocked contact.

    My heart goes out to you, this time is always difficult and confusing. I would encourage you to carefully evaluate the advice given here, as though it may seem reductive at times, it is proffered from experience and anecdotal evidence from members who have viewed literally thousands of like cases on ENA.

    Good luck,

    T

    Thanks T. A small correction. I actually initiated the space/break-up. She chased me for a few days (I regrettably ignored her). By the time I had put my own head together and reached out, about a week later, she had then decided to block and go no contact.

    The break-up was unwanted from her initially. She even sent a manipulative message threatening sucide. She also turned up at my apartment unannounced in the immediate aftermath of me initiating a break.

    I don't know if this information changes your perspective.

    From my perspective, my ex was confused and sought advice from others who may not have had her best interests at heart.

  4. #24
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Location
    Japan
    Age
    37
    Posts
    140
    Gender
    Male
    Hey again,

    Unfortunately, regardless of her initial position, her subsequent actions still would indicate (again, from my woefully inadequate vantage point) that she has determined that tje relationship is not salvageable. The same applies to the sources of advice; their underlying motivations aside, it appears she values their opinion and has assumed a like position.

    Furthermore, even if your position is objectively correct (the flaws in the relationship are changeable and transitory, and the support network she relies on is malicious or misguided), then I would imagine that even if she did reinitiate contact or seek reconciliation, there would be significant impediments to success, namely your fundamentally differing views on whether people can change and the quality of her friends, family and professional engagements. These alone are generally large enough inhibitors to a relationship, let a lone one dealing with the spectre of previous dissolutions.

    T

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,698
    Gender
    Female
    There is no way to predict whether you will ever hear from her again. However, based on the information that you have provided this was indeed a toxic relationship that was built on shaky ground (Infidelity, weed, friends and family disapproval of you, getting to the point of her threatening suicide are all major RED flags). It sounds like trust had been fundamentally broken from the get-go, was never fully rebuilt and no trust=no relationship. Your relationship communication pattern also sound toxic and toxic communication = no healthy relationship.

    It sounds like you BOTH need to complete successfully SEPARATELY whatever therapy path you are into in order to be able to participate in a healthy relationship. That takes substantial time and it needs to be APART from each other. Her blocking you was thus actually a step towards the right direction imo. At this point, if you two got back together the relationship would most probably crumble again. You influence each other in the wrong way.

    Imo, you two would need to accept the break up and go your separate ways with no hope of getting back for whatever positive changes you two make to really stick. That would need YEARS of personal growth on both of your parts, moving on to relationships with NEW people, changing fundamentally as people and pure luck i.e. life bringing you back into each others' paths through no manipulation of your own while both of you happen to be single again. Otherwise, you would both keep reverting to your old bad relationship pattern whenever you reconciled. Imo, the toxic interaction pattern you two have built cannot really change if BOTH of you haven't really moved on from your past relationship, abandoned all hope and REALLY let go of each other, which is why successful reconciliations are so RARE. Even if circumstances were EVER right to give it another try, that would require a major leap of faith that not all women would be inclined to risk (and wisely imo).

    You blame her family and friends, you blame "modern women" mentality and you make her sound like someone who doesn't really know what's right for her. Imo, it doesn't sound like you are in a frame of mind to build a healthy relationship on equal terms with her. The toxic interaction pattern you two have built sounds still very much alive to me.
    Last edited by Clio; 07-01-2020 at 04:25 AM.

  7. #26
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,833
    I would focus on the toxic elements on both sides and the several break-ups. I highly doubt anything would change if she ever contacted you again. Too much damage done (imo).

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,620
    Gender
    Male
    Priceless insight. The relationship is dead and can't be resussitated by reading get your ex back rubbish.
    Originally Posted by LordofCircle
    resurrecting the corpse of this failed relationship

  9. #28
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    2,033
    Gender
    Female
    I take offense that you suggest that your ex and women in general are so weak minded that the only reason for the breakup is because she's being lured away from you by her single friends, and relationships are viewed as "oppressive". It's not relationships that are oppressive, it's the jealous/clingy BF that is oppressive. She is an adult, and made the adult decision that this relationship has failed so many times, it's unhealthy/toxic that it was time to call it quits for good. I doubt you have taken any real accountability in any of this.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,517
    You two were not that deeply connected if you had broken up several times, OP. That is toxic and a clear indication that you two do not work as a couple.

    The way you talk about her is quite dismissive. You say you thought she was throwing a tantrum, that you were giving her time to cool off. That very much sounds like you donít take her unhappiness that seriously and are having trouble wrapping you mind around the fact that she might genuinely have lost interest in you and the relationship you once had.

    She sounds very done and possibly has someone else on her radar now, and doesnít want you popping up. She doesnít wish to hear from you, whatever the case may be, so take it as the sign that this is finally over. It sounds like it was already slowly unravelling before you actually broke up, with her largely checked out.

    Time to really close this door behind you.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,055
    How come you think she's incapable of making decisions on her own? Why do you think she's so easily influenced by others?

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Videos


Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems

Friendship Between Men and Women Often Involves Attraction

Infidelity
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •