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Thread: Truth about No Contact - success stories?

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by PH88
    Quite an encompassing statement for the general population. You're throwing a lot of numbers around i.e. days, weeks, years, etc. Truth is there is no magic number when it comes to these things. It would behoove you to take people's advice on this site objectively, and understand that everyone's situation is different, and all of our experiences vary. So what are you actually asking? Will she contact you at some point? Possible. Will she potentially want to reconcile? Who knows. Point is it is out of your control. We can only advise what is in your control to help you as best we can.

    Agreed. You posted this just before I posted my above reply. You're touching on what I wrote in that there is no accurate predictor of a person's unique pathway through the grief process. Anything is possible - Whether that be reconciliation or "never hearing from your ex again".

    You mentioned "blanket statements". There is no blanket statement, which is why I find advice like "she's gone", "get over it and move on" etc to be rather lazy, un-nuanced advice.

    The reality is that nobody knows what the future holds.

    There is an idea of "toxic hope" tho, and it is potentially a wise decision to severe hope at some point, which holds back full recovery. But then, how does one fully severe "hope" with the knowledge that anything is possible? Answer: You can't severe all Hope while maintaining complete honesty with oneself. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    OP you seem to have all the answers.

    As to will you ever hear from your Ex again, it's impossible to tell. No-one here knows her. No-one knows how she feels, how hurt she is, how angry she is etc etc. All you can do is respect her wishes and learn from mistakes.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I think what's tough about these moments is that, complex as they feel, they're really pretty simple. No one can tell you what she's thinking, what will happen, if you'll talk again or not. Maybe you will, maybe not: it really comes down to that.

    That said, I do think this is a great time to take some more steps forward, to challenge yourself to grow a few millimeters emotionally. Quitting smoking, going to therapy, reconnecting with friends—so, that's great. Bravo, for real. But the greatness is limited if it's all about—or mostly about—getting someone's attention. You're a few key degrees removed from living authentically, and the more time you spend in that space—well, it adds up, becomes you.

    Whatever she is thinking or feeling, she has made it crystal clear that she has no interest in communicating with you. Which, yeah, hurts. But the strength that comes from rejecting that truth is a pale alternative to the strength that comes from accepting it, and respecting it.

  4. #14
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I think what's tough about these moments is that, complex as they feel, they're really pretty simple. No one can tell you what she's thinking, what will happen, if you'll talk again or not. Maybe you will, maybe not: it really comes down to that.

    That said, I do think this is a great time to take some more steps forward, to challenge yourself to grow a few millimeters emotionally. Quitting smoking, going to therapy, reconnecting with friends—so, that's great. Bravo, for real. But the greatness is limited if it's all about—or mostly about—getting someone's attention. You're a few key degrees removed from living authentically, and the more time you spend in that space—well, it adds up, becomes you.

    Whatever she is thinking or feeling, she has made it crystal clear that she has no interest in communicating with you. Which, yeah, hurts. But the strength that comes from rejecting that truth is a pale alternative to the strength that comes from accepting it, and respecting it.
    "Acceptance" is a key Buddhist philosophy that I agree with. All life is impermanent. This holds true for emotions too, which are transient. A person who once loved another, who loses that love, can rediscover it again. Things like "faded effect bias", "peak end theory" and "grass is greener syndrome" are all real phenomena. So is Nostalgia.

    "Acceptance" after a break-up is not about acknowledging reality, because we know that feelings can and do change. The acceptance is more a measure to stop the pain and uncertainty of limbo - because there's no clear timeline on when things like nostalgia will come into play for your ex (or if they ever will).

    The reality is that many broken relationships are re-visited out of nostalgia and curiosity. Where most fail is an inability to create a new image and a new relationship. Most people cling to the "I've moved on" , "an ex is an ex for a reason" and other such maxims that serves the hidden purpose of providing easy mantras to mask the hurt of a lost love.

    Clinging to hope in reconciliation is not a weakness. Rather, it's being able to manage the hope in such a way that life is still possible with or without the person you loved and lost.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Maybe slow down a little. I don't know much about her psychology but from your thoughts you seem quite forceful and there's a strong need to control situations. I think that puts people off in a romantic sense. There's the planner and then there's... the controller. Slow down.

    In the grand scheme of things the length of your relationship wasn't very long. It takes a good 3-5 years at the very least to get a good idea of someone, all their quirks, flaws and have enough time to bare a lot of vulnerabilities and see whether you both mesh in mind and spirit. Sometimes it takes longer. I think you both barely scraped the surface of the iceberg but she discovered that this isn't for her.

    My only other advice would be to let go of the ship's wheel for awhile and practice having to be less in control. Some women may be intimidated and a lot of women will be put off. You don't have to have the answers to no contact - sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. I don't think it's a lazy approach. It does lend autonomy to others and also speaks of respect. That unknown and acknowledging the unknown response means that you're respecting the autonomy and decisions of another person.

    Reconciliation takes more than just the one and it's also respecting the autonomy of someone else. Clinging, to me, is just a calculated risk. If you prefer spending your time doing this, no one can fault you. It is your life, after all. But is it worth it clinging to anything when you could be firmly rooted in other things or engaged with other people who bring more fulfillment? You get to choose.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Outstanding, Rose Mosse. Thank you.

  8. #17
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    How to I start this without being too harsh? You are being selfish. Before you get all mad there some things you have realized and pushed aside or just don't care because you come first. 1. Have you put yourself in her shoes? I mean my god this person has blocked you, probably is dreading every text she gets because she fears its you and yet the one little ave she leaves open, you take it and you didn't even think that maybe, just maybe every text or every single time you reach out to her, you cause her blood pressure to go up. You are only worried about you..leads me to

    #2. You have not accepted its over and trying to find excuses to keep the lines of communication open. You can lie to me and say it has nothing to do with getting back together and Ill ask "then why do you want to talk to her?" then you would make up any excuse to justify why you must talk to your X or why you insist in being in her life. Mind you she has blocked you and you still believe she needs you in her life.

    #3 you are tremendously afraid and you need her way more than she needs you. She is out there trying to forge a path without you and yet you are the one reaching out. Are you spending this much time focused in on her to avoid seeing a future without her? And you must be given props for doing what you need to do to better yourself like going to see a counselor and smoking and bettering yourself. You deserve props for that. But it leads me to wonder if you are trying to stay in her life so she sees the changes in you? Kind of like.. Look what I have done since the break up. You can not correct a mistake from the past, you can only learn from it and not make it again.

    I don't think you realized that it is over. You can say here that you know its over but you are so used to her being there after a break up that this time you might be more of a challenge. But you have to accept that you will not be in her life, she doesn't want you in her life, she doesn't want to hold you, kiss you, hug you, talk to you, have drinks with you and you have to accept that. Toss out all promises that were made, all talks about the future because it no longer matters.

    I know its hard. No one said break ups were easy. If they were, sites like these would not exist. But they suck, they are hard, they hurt, but step one is to accept that it is over. And you might be thinking that these "steps" to healing is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, but it doesn't work that way. Think of a pendulum that swings from emotion to emotion. They could be pain, sadness, depression, confusion, denial, bargaining, anger, but there is one that is called "acceptance" and every so often you will hit that point. As time goes by the pendulum will swing there more often and stay there longer until it eventually stays there.

    You will find someone else and she will find someone else. Instead of wasting your energy in her, focus your energy on you. She is going to be just fine without you, she will find someone else who will make her happy. So why not do what you have to do to make you happy and someone will come by in your life.

  9. #18
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Maybe slow down a little. I don't know much about her psychology but from your thoughts you seem quite forceful and there's a strong need to control situations. I think that puts people off in a romantic sense. There's the planner and then there's... the controller. Slow down.

    In the grand scheme of things the length of your relationship wasn't very long. It takes a good 3-5 years at the very least to get a good idea of someone, all their quirks, flaws and have enough time to bare a lot of vulnerabilities and see whether you both mesh in mind and spirit. Sometimes it takes longer. I think you both barely scraped the surface of the iceberg but she discovered that this isn't for her.

    My only other advice would be to let go of the ship's wheel for awhile and practice having to be less in control. Some women may be intimidated and a lot of women will be put off. You don't have to have the answers to no contact - sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. I don't think it's a lazy approach. It does lend autonomy to others and also speaks of respect. That unknown and acknowledging the unknown response means that you're respecting the autonomy and decisions of another person.

    Reconciliation takes more than just the one and it's also respecting the autonomy of someone else. Clinging, to me, is just a calculated risk. If you prefer spending your time doing this, no one can fault you. It is your life, after all. But is it worth it clinging to anything when you could be firmly rooted in other things or engaged with other people who bring more fulfillment? You get to choose.
    Thanks for your response and I respect your perspective. To be fair, I literally have "let go of the wheel" because I've gone into Indefinite No Contact with no plan to ever reach out to her again. If the relationship is to be reconciled, then it would have to start with her reaching out. That is respecting her autonomy. Are you projecting something?

    I was not seeking any advice, or expressing any desire to re-assert any control over the situation. I am seeking further understanding, with the knowledge that life can take unexpected courses and directions. Nobody knows what the outcome of No Contact will be with certainty. I was hoping that somebody might share a perspective of a similar situation they may have experienced.

    I think my breakup is pretty typical. I spent a while chasing after the breakup (which is typical) and then I went No Contact. I extended an olive branch after 2 months (which is strongly advised in the case where an ex may want to talk but feels stubborn or nervous about making the first move) - I tried that and it failed.

    I didn't go above and beyond in any of my actions that isn't completely typical of the behaviour of a dumpee. I didn't even beg or plead with her. All I can be accused of is trying to re-establish dialogue. 2.5 years is a long time in a relationship (especially if the relationship was intense and you're together with your ex every day) and I don't think a relationship of that length should be let go of without an attempt to resolve it. I made that attempt and I won't die wondering.

    I detect a lot of "don't try and over-analyse and control the situation and just let it go, bro" negativity in these responses. I would have thought there would be a bit more enlightenment and empathy on this board.

    Here's a fact: Some relationships do reconcile. Some relationships even reconcile after years of separation. I don't know why that offends the sensibilities of people here, who seem to view any hope of reconciliation as some kind of clingy character flaw. I can take a guess that it's probably got something to do with the notion that all broken relationships must stay broken, and this comforts other broken hearts on this board that want to remove all hope for a future reconciliation. I don't think this is a healthy attitude because;

    a. reconciliations do happen, even in the most unlikely of circumstances (especially if there was a strong connection and love)
    b. removing all hope is dishonest based on (a).

    Maintaining hope has nothing to do with clinging and trying to control or force someone to be with you in a relationship that they have discarded. Maintaining hope is more about realising that feeings do change with time, and if the relationship had good things in it (no relationship is perfect) then there is a strong chance of hearing from your ex at some stage in the future.

    Again, hearing from an ex does not mean reconciliation. It means that you have a chance to approach your ex in a different way and possibly reignite attraction and a new relationship, leaving the toxic relationship in the past. This isn't some fantasy or pipe dream. It happens and nobody knows what cards life will deal in the near, medium or distant future. Some argue that a longer break is actually better for true reconciliation because it allows for a proper reset of the relationship.

    Here's another fact: Love is hard to find and sometimes an ex needs time and space, sometimes months or years, to look back and reflect on what was lost. I can even attest to this because I've gotten in contact with ex's that I have dumped, sometimes months and years down the line. We didn't reconcile because they were clinging on to the old relationship and hadn't changed in my eyes.

  10. #19
    Originally Posted by No1
    How to I start this without being too harsh? You are being selfish. Before you get all mad there some things you have realized and pushed aside or just don't care because you come first. 1. Have you put yourself in her shoes? I mean my god this person has blocked you, probably is dreading every text she gets because she fears its you and yet the one little ave she leaves open, you take it and you didn't even think that maybe, just maybe every text or every single time you reach out to her, you cause her blood pressure to go up. You are only worried about you..leads me to

    #2. You have not accepted its over and trying to find excuses to keep the lines of communication open. You can lie to me and say it has nothing to do with getting back together and Ill ask "then why do you want to talk to her?" then you would make up any excuse to justify why you must talk to your X or why you insist in being in her life. Mind you she has blocked you and you still believe she needs you in her life.

    #3 you are tremendously afraid and you need her way more than she needs you. She is out there trying to forge a path without you and yet you are the one reaching out. Are you spending this much time focused in on her to avoid seeing a future without her? And you must be given props for doing what you need to do to better yourself like going to see a counselor and smoking and bettering yourself. You deserve props for that. But it leads me to wonder if you are trying to stay in her life so she sees the changes in you? Kind of like.. Look what I have done since the break up. You can not correct a mistake from the past, you can only learn from it and not make it again.

    I don't think you realized that it is over. You can say here that you know its over but you are so used to her being there after a break up that this time you might be more of a challenge. But you have to accept that you will not be in her life, she doesn't want you in her life, she doesn't want to hold you, kiss you, hug you, talk to you, have drinks with you and you have to accept that. Toss out all promises that were made, all talks about the future because it no longer matters.

    I know its hard. No one said break ups were easy. If they were, sites like these would not exist. But they suck, they are hard, they hurt, but step one is to accept that it is over. And you might be thinking that these "steps" to healing is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, but it doesn't work that way. Think of a pendulum that swings from emotion to emotion. They could be pain, sadness, depression, confusion, denial, bargaining, anger, but there is one that is called "acceptance" and every so often you will hit that point. As time goes by the pendulum will swing there more often and stay there longer until it eventually stays there.

    You will find someone else and she will find someone else. Instead of wasting your energy in her, focus your energy on you. She is going to be just fine without you, she will find someone else who will make her happy. So why not do what you have to do to make you happy and someone will come by in your life.
    With respect - she blocked me while I was taking a break from her. The block didn't come from me sending her incessant messages (which I never did). The block came from her consulting friends and a psychologist about the best way to move on from a relationship.

    I'm not afraid of losing her or any of the other unhealthy things you describe. I have already lost her and there's nothing to cling to because the relationship is now over.

    What I have been writing about is my perspective on reconciliation, re-connection and what that looks like. To properly re-connect you literally have to let go of the old relationship and build a new one. That's exactly what I've done and I'm in a good position in that IF she ever reaches out then I can rebuild from a fresh start and a new perspective. This is not madness or being unrealistic. This is how broken relationships are reformed.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's actually heartbreaking reading your thoughts about reconciliation. They echo a lot of my ex-partner's thoughts but there's no possibility of reconciliation in my mind. Or, my idea of reconciliation is very different from his. Our ideas don't match and therefore, there likely will not be any reconciliation. It doesn't mean there's no love there.

    Letting go of an old relationship rarely happens in totality because of our very human capability to retain memories, negative and positive associations. Some memories as so powerfully negative that they can't be overcome with time or replacing old with new.

    Give yourself time to recover from her decision to remove you from her life also. It's not lack of empathy in the end, I think, but rather courage and independence (or strength) to finally say...maybe it's ok to let go. I've been through all your pain and your suffering and your thoughts. I felt the way you felt too. I think most of us have, with someone we've lost.

    If she comes back into your life, would you be able to trust her implicitly/completely? You're giving her a lot of power over you saying yes or no. But what about you? Have you considered whether it's a good choice to have someone like her in your life? She seems to have a fairly large support network that doesn't vouch for you or your integrity nor does it seem that anyone in her support network feels confident about you. This seems very negative towards you, damaging even. Is it healthy to want to be around a circle of people who don't trust you or feel confident about you? Do you expect to win them over if she comes around? Their thoughts won't change either about you. There will always be doubt and circumspect around your relationship. Do you trust her to always put you or the relationship first when she's shown that she can't or doesn't want to?

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