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Thread: Processing the horrible relationship and break up

  1. #1
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    Processing the horrible relationship and break up

    Hi All,

    Just want some words of wisdom.

    I was in a 4 year relationship where we owned a home together for the last 2. The first 2 years things were pretty good. Then we bought this house and it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He became verbally and emotionally abusive to the extreme just 3 months after closing. I thought it was drugs, drinking too much, etc. Twice he was so drunk he got physical with me.

    I was in law school, couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on my own and honestly, I thought we could do therapy, anger management, etc. I tried to change how I communicated and my approach with him. But nothing I did worked. I stopped asking for things from him, stopped trying to rationalize. Because no matter what I said or did, even the simplest thing (i.e. can you feed the dog I'm going to be home late), he wouldn't do and he would scream at me when I asked him why he hadn't done it. I had enough the last time when he again became violent and basically destroyed walls, doors, furniture, etc. in a huge scary temper tantrum. We split up at the end of March. I kicked him out and he ended up leaving at the beginning of May.

    In May immediately after he moved out I panicked a bit and truly thought living apart and actually doing therapy might salvage something. He was amenable and twice we reconciled and then he immediately flipped 180 and had panic attacks, crying spells, self-destructive behavior. I feel foolish for thinking someone would change, but I never understood why when we bought this house it was so immediately and drastically different. Turns out, he had started dating someone he met on Tinder the week he moved out. I understood he was nuts basically, and I expected a rebound. But looks like it isn't a rebound, who knows.

    It was horrible for the last 2 years. Literally the most stressful time of my life.

    The house currently has an offer waiting to close and I am moving in one week back to my hometown where I own a condo (700 miles west).

    I don't need to hear that I am doing the right thing, because I know I am. And I do feel relieved to be getting the hell out of here.

    But I am having a tough time processing any of this. I haven't been in a situation like this ever. And I have no idea why I am upset about the new girl, or why I am asking the what-ifs, or why I feel like I still love this person, or why I feel like this person was ever the kind of person I would want to be with, or why any of it even happened. With all the abuse, I should be happy this person is out of my life for good. But I'm not. And that makes me feel like I am the unhealthy person in this situation.

    Anybody ever dealt with something like this?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Read up on abuse. Read The Sociopath Next Door. Talk to a therapist to sort through this.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You got used to having excitement in your life even though it was negative. Now that excitement is gone and you feel the void.

    Just realize that's what it is and you will get through it fine. Understand its not love but loss you're feeling.

  4. #4
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    Well my ex-fiance of two years was a nut too, so I get it lol Was your ex diagnosed with anything in the end? It's just so weird that he managed to hide all this from you for two years! But if he was doing drugs maybe that's what messed him up in the head. Next time don't continue dating someone who's on drugs. My ex got into drugs too, so I had to get rid of him.

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  6. #5
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    I honestly don't know if he got into drugs or not. Drinking became a problem. But the behavior occurred whether drunk or sober. However, drunk was worse.

    As far as the first two years, in hindsight there were red flags, but nothing that was screaming get out. Pretty minor stuff. It was like the house purchase was some kind of trigger. Also, found out after the fact that he had done similar things with his ex wife. Purchased a home with her, split up, sold within 2 years. Got back together, purchased another home, split up, and sold within a year. He has said he felt "trapped" with me. I think adult responsibility triggers some kind of pseudo manic episode. There were other really terrible and irresponsible behaviors as well. Too many to list.

    I have never seen anything like it. It was absolute madness. Even now, he's bullying and threatening about anything and everything. It almost feels like he is a child in a man's body and when he doesn't get his way, his needs met, or basically what he wants when he wants it - he has a tantrum.

    Today, for example, he has left a huge garage full of his property at the house (I am paying for everything and have been for months). He wants to come get it and I told him no and that can wait until next week. Since he left about 6 weeks ago he has come back here unannounced probably 25 times to get a little at a time or do some "work." I asked many times for him to stop and he had zero respect for my boundaries. I now have an agreement for sole and exclusive occupancy and legally he cannot come here without my permission. He knows this and has stopped showing up unannounced but is telling me I am playing games and being unfair that I want him to wait. It is so shortsighted it is almost comical.

    I've given thought to him being a sociopath and potentially bipolar or borderline personality. Maybe even ADHD. But really, it doesn't matter...whatever it is, it is NOT something I ever want to deal with again.

    And for the record, I am getting there...the mornings are usually when I second guess but as the day goes on I become more sure. I know I am in the final stages of grief here, but it is confusing regardless that I can care about a man who acted so incredibly horribly.
    Last edited by amyroo; 06-23-2020 at 01:38 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Why are you putting him off to next week? The sooner he gets his things, the sooner you can cut all contact and heal. I'd be doing whatever it takes to fast track wrapping up all loose ends if I were you. Whatever his issues, he isn't going to change or become better. Best you cut him out of your life asap.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Why are you putting him off to next week? .
    I am putting him off until next week because I am moving out next Wednesday. He has several days of getting his things and has already been "getting his things" for 25 of the last 30 days. I don't want him around here any more. I am packing up my life of the last four years to make a huge change and I feel that will be hard enough without having to deal with him being here as well.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by amyroo
    Hi All,

    Just want some words of wisdom.

    I was in a 4 year relationship where we owned a home together for the last 2. The first 2 years things were pretty good. Then we bought this house and it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He became verbally and emotionally abusive to the extreme just 3 months after closing. I thought it was drugs, drinking too much, etc. Twice he was so drunk he got physical with me.

    I was in law school, couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on my own and honestly, I thought we could do therapy, anger management, etc. I tried to change how I communicated and my approach with him. But nothing I did worked. I stopped asking for things from him, stopped trying to rationalize. Because no matter what I said or did, even the simplest thing (i.e. can you feed the dog I'm going to be home late), he wouldn't do and he would scream at me when I asked him why he hadn't done it. I had enough the last time when he again became violent and basically destroyed walls, doors, furniture, etc. in a huge scary temper tantrum. We split up at the end of March. I kicked him out and he ended up leaving at the beginning of May.

    In May immediately after he moved out I panicked a bit and truly thought living apart and actually doing therapy might salvage something. He was amenable and twice we reconciled and then he immediately flipped 180 and had panic attacks, crying spells, self-destructive behavior. I feel foolish for thinking someone would change, but I never understood why when we bought this house it was so immediately and drastically different. Turns out, he had started dating someone he met on Tinder the week he moved out. I understood he was nuts basically, and I expected a rebound. But looks like it isn't a rebound, who knows.

    It was horrible for the last 2 years. Literally the most stressful time of my life.

    The house currently has an offer waiting to close and I am moving in one week back to my hometown where I own a condo (700 miles west).

    I don't need to hear that I am doing the right thing, because I know I am. And I do feel relieved to be getting the hell out of here.

    But I am having a tough time processing any of this. I haven't been in a situation like this ever. And I have no idea why I am upset about the new girl, or why I am asking the what-ifs, or why I feel like I still love this person, or why I feel like this person was ever the kind of person I would want to be with, or why any of it even happened. With all the abuse, I should be happy this person is out of my life for good. But I'm not. And that makes me feel like I am the unhealthy person in this situation.

    Anybody ever dealt with something like this?
    I have a few thoughts on the processing.... You've been traumatized, hurt and abused. Which is a lot... And the other side of that coin is a huge amount of disappointment, mourning and sadness.

    You're not healthy. Not right now. You're healing and its messy.

    You feel jipped that he is off with another woman, while your dealing with the fallout.

    Its stressful as heck to move. Its second only to funeral planning. Your life is in complete flux. And to do it in an already bad situation just adds to it.

    Stay strong, gf. This too shall pass.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good call to not allow him to buzz around manufacturing chaos while you are trying to organize and move

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Stay strong, gf. This too shall pass.
    The pain and stress feel never ending. The buyer pulled out this morning. And I spoke with him about what to do going forward. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so torn up about this. I just wanted a normal and happy relationship. I am super upset again and feel so full of doubt about everything. I feel unloved and unsupported and discarded.

    He told me he would rent the house from me because he wants the outbuilding for his side business. That was one of the main reasons we bought to begin with. And I felt sick to my stomach that he would want to be here for the building but not for me. The building.

    He hadn't paid bills in months prior to his move out. Everything has been left to me to take care of. The sale, prepping the house, repairs, all the bills, everything.

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