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Thread: Unfortunate divorce

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    Unfortunate divorce

    Good afternoon everyone, I appreciate the feedback from you all. I will make this as short and to the point as possible, as I am unsure as to where to go from this point.


    Two weeks ago my wife and I discussed the state of our marriage(5 years), and she has decided to end it. At first, I told her we should at the very least try and work on our issues to save our marriage and for the sake of our children (5yr and 8 mo), but she was not having any of it. She is done, fed up, and tired. She pulled the common "love you but not in love with you", "want you to be happy", and "we don't make each other happy" lines. I didn't beg, plead, scream, or do anything to make the situation worse, just accepted her decision and continued what I have been doing, and spending as much time as I can afford with my kids. It is not my place to convince her nor be angry at her, although internally might say otherwise. She was surprised from my reaction. At first I was wary, but am now 90 percent sure she is not having an affair, as she spends 98 percent of her time with her best friend(who is also married) across the street ( will get into this later). Now we split time 50/50 with our kids, our house, and with our respective "families". My folks live 40 min away so that has been where I have been staying when not at home or at work.

    I am in the military, and work everyday. She is a stay at home mother, and has been through a lot in the past several months. She has been diagnosed with depression for a few years, her father was severely injured shortly after our second child, and we could not afford to travel across country due to government policy with Covid (now we are travelling there next week due to his passing a couple months ago). Without going into details on what on our issues are on both sides, I truly believe we were equally at fault, but there was no abuse or infidelity on either end (at least not to my knowledge). I have been fixing/working on those problems quite well. I understand what I have done, and was not there emotionally enough for her at times, not intentionally of course, as I love her but was focused too much on work and making sure we were doing alright financially. Probably brought work home too much, but sometimes it takes a wake up call to realize this.. So I have changed for the better thus far and doing the right things for myself and the kids. She is pretty distant, seeks happiness with her friends every day/all day( this has been going on for a long time), and does not take care of the house whatsoever. I understand she is not happy here and wants to stay away, however I am not home 24/7, and the household has been nothing short of neglected recently. Just a frustrating perspective on my end, as I would at least like to talk to her more about important things like the kids future, her plans, and our upcoming trip. Opinion only, but she seems to be the kind of person seeking happiness in others, rather than herself. She hates being/doing things on her own.

    I will be leaving for work in a couple months and deployment soon thereafter, and will not be living in the house much longer. The family will stay in the house, she will get a job, and go to school while taking care of the children. Sounds like a lot to me, so I am very concerned as to how this will play out. We are on decent terms, communicating when necessary, and I am accompanying her on this trip across country to help with the children. Not sure how the trip will play out, but I am not expecting much more than this. We have come to an agreement on an amicable divorce i.e. 50/50 custody, assets, etc. So hopefully that does not change when we get back.

    There is so much more I can type but it would take pages to complete. I guess I am asking if I am doing anything wrong, or not enough, as I am pretty upset that I wont see my children for an extended period of time. Also how should I approach this three week trip with her for her father's funeral? I'm solely going for the support of the kids, but I do want to support her as I was close to him as well. I am in a ty situation, as the father who's leaving his children for work, won't see them as much thereafter, and my wife moves on with her life here at home so to speak. If you all have any questions to fill in the blanks please let me know, thank you!

  2. #2
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    I would immediately get a good lawyer and have her accessed for being a competent mother if she canít even clean the house now when she has no outside the home work and no school

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    Hi op,

    Iím so sorry you are going through this. I agree with Seraphim, your wife having neglected housework and staying with friends all day. I would be concerned how sheís taking care of the kids.

    Iím glad things are amicable. Iím sorry for her loss and yours. When we are married or in long term relationships their parents can also become our parents. I wouldnít feel awkward about the funeral youíre there for the father to remember and honor his life.

    I would be more concerned about the care of your kids right now with your wifeís depression and you leaving soon.

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    I was hoping you wouldn't say that. I have strongly considered the possibility, especially with her "concerns" so to speak. She is not the most emotionally mature of individuals.. Getting a lawyer will cripple us financially.

    limichelle: Thank you, I appreciate the kind words. Kids are primary focus of course. It is tough when some things are out of your hands however.

    I will definitely keep an eye on the situation, and her actions closely. Cant help but think getting a lawyer is negligible as my job requires movement, and uncertainty.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Be there for the kids during the funeral trip and consider this a last act of goodwill as a couple coming from you.

    Undoubtedly there will be other family trips in the future or with your kids. Be a good father. The relationship is over.

    If you have feelings of regret and remorse, speak about it with a counsellor or therapist. A word of caution while going through a divorce, keep your personal details out of your work or military life. Don't let this interfere with your work.

    You need to go on and carry on with your career or support yourself and your kids. You may also be on the hook for alimony. I agree about seeing a lawyer on your own even if it is pro bono or for advice on how to go about things best in your situation.

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    Originally Posted by PH88
    I was hoping you wouldn't say that. I have strongly considered the possibility, especially with her "concerns" so to speak. She is not the most emotionally mature of individuals.. Getting a lawyer will cripple us financially.

    limichelle: Thank you, I appreciate the kind words. Kids are primary focus of course. It is tough when some things are out of your hands however.

    I will definitely keep an eye on the situation, and her actions closely. Cant help but think getting a lawyer is negligible as my job requires movement, and uncertainty.
    I understand I am a veteran and my husband is a military member. But if you are going to be deployed you need to make sure that your children are in good hands unless you want to lose custody of them to children services.

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    Another note, she is quite adamant on me leaving the house when we get back, in the name of consistency for the children. I told her she can stay at the neighbors for a week and we can rotate. She did not like that. Should I confront her about how much time she spends there? I think lawyer is most likely the best case, she wont be expecting it however.

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    Originally Posted by PH88
    Another note, she is quite adamant on me leaving the house when we get back, in the name of consistency for the children. I told her she can stay at the neighbors for a week and we can rotate. She did not like that. Should I confront her about how much time she spends there? I think lawyer is most likely the best case, she wont be expecting it however.
    Have clear legal guidelines. You leaving the home could be misconstrued as abandonment. Please get a legal counsel.

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    I mentioned that to her already, she claims she would never claim that I abandoned the family. However I understand it can be still be used against me.

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    People say a lot of things . Hard times brings out the worst in people.

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