Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 28

Thread: SO Conflict - Need Advice on Hanging Up/Blocking

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    5

    SO Conflict - Need Advice on Hanging Up/Blocking

    I need a bit of advice.

    As a background, my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, with the initial 2 years in person (we moved in together soon after dating) and 8 months of long-distance. Recently I finished my undergraduate degree and moved across the country to be with him (he moved initially for graduate school and I finished my degree before following). We have signed a lease together for the following year. Recently however, due to COVID-19 we have been doing long-distance again. We expect to see each other in 2 weeks.

    I want to make it clear that we love each other and I really would like to make this relationship work - I can imagine a future with him that is pleasant and enjoyable.

    However, when we call it is really frustrating because whenever I let him know that one of his actions makes me feel unhappy, he immediately starts being reactive. He will start talking over me, being defensive even when I say that it doesn't need to blow up and that we need to both cool down. After talking over me, he will then say all of this stuff that I'm doing 'wrong' (even though most of the things I did not even do or say, he assumes it) and then suddenly hangs up on me. He will block me over all platforms and shut off his phone. I am forced to send him emails so that I can communicate with him (I know, this seems so childish to me). I will send a dozen emails emphasizing how I love him and I always have to apologize even if the initial conversation was just simply me letting him know that something didn't make me feel so great. He will say 'you always make my day worse'. This happens for an entire day and it's interfering with other aspects of my life (e.g. work). It will be until he suddenly gives in and unblocks me and picks up. And unless I say sorry for doing wrong, he will do the cycle over again and hang up. And then we will finally make up and he says sorry for XYZ and says that he promises it won't happen again.

    He will hang up and block every few days. It makes me feel like I'm not in control of even how I can communicate with him (I can't even let him know of something that I don't like!). I've told him blocking and hanging up and not picking up is disrespectful to me and feels immature. He always says that he's sorry.

    Recently, I've been telling him that saying sorry might not be enough because it constantly happens and it doesn't seem like it means much. He starts constantly arguing with me about this now too saying "sorry is never enough for you huh?"

    I feel like I've run out of options. I really don't like what is happening but cherish our relationship during normal times. I would really appreciate some advice on what to do!
    Last edited by cadonling; 06-30-2020 at 04:59 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,392
    So, why would he stop the hanging up and blocking? Look at how you react:
    " I will send a dozen emails emphasizing how I love him and I always have to apologize "

    He treats you poorly and you react by telling him how much you love him. Why would he want to stop? You reward him for this behavior.

    You have two choices; tell him to knock it off and mean it. Stop rewarding his bad behavior and let him know the next time he does it you will no longer beg him to be nice to you. You will simply walk away and IF he chooses to conduct himself like a loving partner he is free to contact you. Otherwise, it's over.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,085
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. Was it this bad when you were living together? How old is he? His reaction sounds quite immature. You should be able to have discussions but they should not be thrown out as a list of "things you do that make me unhappy".

    You also should not bombard him with emails. If things get heated, excuse yourself from the conversation and say you have to go and you'll talk later. Sadly you "want to make it work", but he clearly does not.

    You need to pull way back and stop chasing and clinging so hard to a guy who sounds like a real tool.
    Originally Posted by cadonling
    my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, with the initial 2 years in person (we moved in together after dating) and 8 months of long-distance.

    I will send a dozen emails emphasizing

    He will hang up and block every few days.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,322
    Gender
    Female
    Cadonling.

    "And unless I say sorry for doing wrong, he will do the cycle over again and hang up"


    I can't for the life of me see what there is to love about that. What makes you think the future with him will be "pleasant and enjoyable". He IS disrespectful and immature.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    5
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    So, why would he stop the hanging up and blocking? Look at how you react:
    " I will send a dozen emails emphasizing how I love him and I always have to apologize "

    He treats you poorly and you react by telling him how much you love him. Why would he want to stop? You reward him for this behavior.

    You have two choices; tell him to knock it off and mean it. Stop rewarding his bad behavior and let him know the next time he does it you will no longer beg him to be nice to you. You will simply walk away and IF he chooses to conduct himself like a loving partner he is free to contact you. Otherwise, it's over.
    I think the reason that I do so is because I know that he is really stubborn. If I don't email him and apologize to him, he won't unblock me and he will never be the one to initiate the call. I know he is someone who really enjoys his alone time and could probably go a month without contacting anybody.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,322
    Gender
    Female
    "If I don't email him and apologize to him, he won't unblock me and he will never be the one to initiate the call."

    He sounds real loving.

    What has his enjoying his alone time (most of us do enjoy alone time) have to do with anything?

    So you envisage the future with a petulant man, who dishes out the silent treatment and would have no trouble with not contacting you for a month.

    So, what virtues has he got that make you feel you want to stay in this "relationship".

  8. #7
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,392
    Originally Posted by cadonling
    I think the reason that I do so is because I know that he is really stubborn. If I don't email him and apologize to him, he won't unblock me and he will never be the one to initiate the call. I know he is someone who really enjoys his alone time and could probably go a month without contacting anybody.
    Do you realize you are rewarding his behavior? And that he has no reason to stop? When he does something and you tell him you love him, he will conclude you love what he is doing.

    My ex told me this...he said he behaved the way he did because I kept coming back and I said I loved him. So he figured I liked the way he treated me.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    5
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Cadonling.

    "And unless I say sorry for doing wrong, he will do the cycle over again and hang up"


    I can't for the life of me see what there is to love about that. What makes you think the future with him will be "pleasant and enjoyable". He IS disrespectful and immature.
    I agree. There is not much to love about that. However, I know that the future with him is probably more 'pleasant and enjoyable' because when he is in-person, things are typically much better. He is more respectful. However, he is terrible at communicating long-distance. I guess I am hoping that the next two weeks blow over and things return to normal. However, knowing that there are other periods that we will inevitably have to do long-distance, I would like him to re-consider his actions of hanging up/blocking so that this doesn't happen in the future again.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,322
    Gender
    Female
    Define "much better" Candonling. And as I asked, what are the virtues/advantages that make you feel you want to continue with this person?

    You asked in your OP:

    " I would really appreciate some advice on what to do!"

    Advice is being provided and I can do no better than quite Wiseman:

    "You need to pull way back and stop chasing and clinging so hard to a guy who sounds like a real tool."

    I am guessing you are young, OP. You will find someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,085
    Gender
    Male
    He wants it to happen, you have no control over that. He doesn't care if it bothers you otherwise he would not do it. It's that simple.

    If you have to explain, complain, send dozens of emails to ask someone not to be an ass, you need to reconsider things.

    Talk to trusted adults, family and friends about what is going on. Do not follow him around like a puppy, pursue your own future, education, and goals.
    Originally Posted by cadonling
    I would like him to re-consider his actions of hanging up/blocking so that this doesn't happen in the future again.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •