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Thread: SO Conflict - Need Advice on Hanging Up/Blocking

  1. #21
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You reply . . 'You're correct. I am not looking to be appeased by an empty apology. I am looking for genuine empathy, understanding and actions that back up the words. 'Sorry' just to shut me up and make it go away isn't enough anymore.
    We keep repeating the same cycle I need you to want to work with me to make some health changes in order for this relationship to continue.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Thanks for explaining a bit more. The verbal approach doesn't seem to work with him. I think he's tired of your words. They're coming in all forms - text, emails, I am not sure what else and although I don't know your relationship too well, there seem to be a lot of complaints coming from you. It's too much, if you don't mind me saying. If someone really bothers you so much to the point where you can't have a decent conversation and might be afraid of a roommate joining in the conversation, maybe it's time to rethink whether you should be dating this person at all.

    I think he's overwhelmed and now full of contempt for you and that's unfortunate. It appears he ridicules you also. You keep wanting to persuade him in the verbal variety but it won't work.

    Stop completely. My advice is to stop with the words and persuasions for awhile and take a breather.

    He knows how to push your buttons and get you to grovel and beg and persuade even more - that's by picking at you also and ridiculing you verbally. Stop giving him more material to play with. What he's doing is childish and manipulative. If you are set on staying with this person or being in a relationship, you're going to have to change how you think and stop giving him the satisfaction of toying with you or coming across as easily irritated or tough to please.

    If he wants to work it out with you, he will. You don't have to say anything anymore. Let him have his time with his family and parents and don't pester him while he's there. He deserves that time with his family also. Stop responding to abusive and rude texts. If he wants to continue blocking you, let him. As soon as he sees he doesn't get a reaction out of you, I highly doubt he'll keep doing it. He's the only one playing merry go round with himself and I think after awhile he'll realize what a fool he is because no one's looking at him doing his little dance. I think he's also reacting to you in a negative way. He doesn't want you to keep picking at him.

    In the meantime instead of expending all that energy trying to devise ways to create arguments and persuasions, look inward and start having some sincere conversations with yourself about what you're doing there - there meaning geographically. Why are you spending so much energy hyper-focusing on this one person? Both of you are important to each other but you may be missing out and completely imbalanced in your support network. Start socializing with others a bit more and make new friends in your town. Find hobby groups and interest groups or find a hobby by yourself that you're interested in. Take a step back and start balancing all your energy a bit more, put things in perspective.

    In my mind, the verbal onslaught and constant texts or arguments just have to stop. The complaints need to be siphoned or sifted through. Pick your battles. One of you has to be the bigger person and just stop that flow. If you don't want to be disrespected or entertain that behaviour, simply stop. Practice gratitude in all your relationships. Don't respond to negative behaviour and practice gratitude for the big and small things and the blessings you do have in the relationship. You may find over time you'll outgrow this person and that's fine too. Keep growing forwards.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 06-30-2020 at 11:05 PM.

  3. #23
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by cadonling
    I would like him to re-consider his actions of hanging up/blocking so that this doesn't happen in the future again.
    I don't know how old you are but, in my '50s, I know for a fact that people don't just ''re-consider'' unless they have something to lose. He knows he won't lose you over this, so, why would he change anything?

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's ironic that whenever you lecture him on not hanging up and blocking, he hangs up and blocks you. You need to stop that cycle.

    If he is rude on the phone just terminate the conversation. Lecturing as if you're his mother teaching him manners is a bad dynamic for you. Just. Stop.

    You need to know when to cut your losses. Stop chasing, begging, lecturing, mothering, emailing, etc. You need to respect yourself first before others will.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    He has zero empathy for you and how things feel for you. For that matter you are punished for voicing them and then he goes even further to try to condition you by shutting you out.
    You in turn do all the work to get the relationship back on track, just to recreate the same drama over and over.
    You stated that if you didn't make all the effort you may very well not hear from him. That he very much enjoys his time alone, without you. I can't help but think he creates this dust up so he has a reason to block and create distance, because after all this dynamic seems to work for him and you reward him for it.
    You are pretty good at articulating how you want to be treated and what you do not like, but you have basically become a lion with no teeth if you are too afraid to actually back those words up with some actions. Instead you chase him, call him and apologize.
    If what you are doing isn't working then you need to stop and give some serious thought to what you might do differently.
    Cadonling. Exactly what Reinvent is saying.

    Try not to deceive yourself. He has no respect for you and respect is the foundation of everything.

    I also echo fully all Rose's advice to you. He treats you terribly.

    You must ask, what huge advantage does this relationship hold for you that you would be prepared to tolerate his behaviour?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Life lesson . . When you find yourself in a relationship where you repeatedly feel you need to teach someone minimal decent behaviour, it's time to call it.

    There is a lot of empty talk from both of you and no plan of action. You continually tell him what you don't like (but don't act on it) and he says he's sorry (when he's not, because if he was he'd change his behavior to reflect that)

  8. #27
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd just stay shut down and blocked without a word from me. He can either work through his stuff and come back to me, or he can continue showing me all I really need to 'see' without making the mistake of an expensive move to live with someone who treats me this way.

    If you really want a chance of something sustainable with this guy, stop playing your part in the misery-go-round and let him spin by himself. Either he'll grow beyond it or not, but if not, you've dodged a bullet.

  9. #28
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    This guy is emotionally abusive, OP.

    It's not about him being stubborn and liking alone time. It's not about what you can say to improve the situation. It's about his utter lack of respect for you, and his incredible immaturity and anger-management problem. This guy yanks you around and has got you apologizing for his abusive behaviour.

    So what if he would not contact you unless you were sending him countless emails begging for his attention? Does that really sound like someone who is capable of a serious, long-term healthy relationship? If he would genuinely stonewall you indefinitely, then I hate to tell you that there is no future here anyway. I can guarantee you this will not be limited to distance; you are going to see his atrocious attitude once you're reunited in person again.

    I'm very sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like you're so deeply enmeshed that you don't really see how bad this is. He won't change unless you stop enabling him - and if he doesn't change even after you refused to be treated like this, then you have to face the reality that he's just a massive douche lord that you need to get rid of.

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