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Thread: SO Conflict - Need Advice on Hanging Up/Blocking

  1. #11
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    It sounds like he's got quite comfortable with disrespecting you. Why not turn that around and give him the gift of calling his bluff by allowing him to stew, along with sending the message that you're comfortable with respecting yourself.

    He'll either sink or swim, but you'll have your answer.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    And, OP, what would these actions be exactly.

    "whenever I let him know that one of his actions makes me feel unhappy, he immediately starts being reactive"

    So, leaving the phone and distance out of this altogether, when you are together what makes you think he won't be reactive when you let him know an action of his makes you unhappy?

  3. #13
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by cadonling

    I want to make it clear that we love each other and I really would like to make this relationship work - I can imagine a future with him that is pleasant and enjoyable.
    You say this and then you go in to a list of really good reasons why this relationship is not pleasant and not enjoyable. But I get it, we all do it. I think sometimes when we are in relationships with someone we love, like a friend, family or significant other, we want the relationship to work so we think about the good things. However it clouds our judgement because it delays our ability to take action. I believe that in your case, you need to call it quits and stop wasting your time on an emotionally immature adult when you could be working on yourself to finding a mature partner who listens to your worries and want to be proactive in correcting his mistakes.

    As much as you both love each other, your relationship can't last on just love. It survive on a whole host of things - communication for one.
    Also I am not sure if he loves you as you say... he treats you pretty crappy. There are people out there who love the idea of a relationship, but they don't love the maintenance part of it, which is a lot work in maintaining a healthy and loving relationship.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    And, OP, what would these actions be exactly.

    "whenever I let him know that one of his actions makes me feel unhappy, he immediately starts being reactive"

    So, leaving the phone and distance out of this altogether, when you are together what makes you think he won't be reactive when you let him know an action of his makes you unhappy?
    I'll give an example of an action. Today when we finally both had time to talk after a long day, we were chatting about some relatively exciting things and divulging into things that we wanted to share with each other about our days. His housemate walks in and immediately starts talking (without saying excuse me, sorry to interrupt) and picks up a conversation with him while talking over me, even though his housemate knew I was there and speaking with him. This is a bad habit that always occurs with his housemate, but regardless is not something that I can do anything about because I am not dating this person. It happened again today, so I let him know that I didn't enjoy being interrupted and talked over and that I would like for him to let the individual know next time that we are having a conversation when this individual starts creating a conversation over ours. I told him that I didn't like being interrupted especially when this roommate does it every 15 minutes on topics that seem like they could wait (legitimately a conversation his roomate started with: "oh, this is an interesting muffine. Hmm that's an interesting glaze that they put on. What do you think it is? I really enjoy X type of muffins") This is when he became reactive and defensive asking why I always had to bring things up that were wrong and why I couldn't just ignore it. Subsequently, as expected, he hung up. Was I overreacting?


    To answer your second question, typically in person I am able to discuss things with him more calmly because we can both sit down, non-verbal cues, touch, there is no space for hanging up etc. Not to say that he isn't ever reactive but we are typically able to settle things much better.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Imagine 40 more years of this treatment from him.

    Does that make you feel warm, loved, content? Or does it sound kind of awful?

    As I said before, he will not stop doing something that gives him pleasure and that rewards him with declarations of love from you. He has zero motivation to stop when you keep rewarding him.

    So, are you going to start with the dozens of emails begging him to talk to you and declaring your love?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    As Bolt said (and it gives me the chills):

    "Imagine 40 more years of this treatment from him.
    "


    No, OP, you were not over-reacting, at all.

    Total disrespect. And leaving that aside a total lack of basic manners.

    Any respectful person would say (to interruptor): "Sorry, but I am talking right now to my GF".

    Surely you are seeing what he is really like OP. He has no respect for you. I wonder does he even like you, leaving love out of the equation altogether.

    Could I add:

    Forget the lease, and get yourself a life. You have a good education. Life has much to offer you. Why hitch your wagon to this ignorant boor. I ask.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    He has zero empathy for you and how things feel for you. For that matter you are punished for voicing them and then he goes even further to try to condition you by shutting you out.
    You in turn do all the work to get the relationship back on track, just to recreate the same drama over and over.
    You stated that if you didn't make all the effort you may very well not hear from him. That he very much enjoys his time alone, without you. I can't help but think he creates this dust up so he has a reason to block and create distance, because after all this dynamic seems to work for him and you reward him for it.
    You are pretty good at articulating how you want to be treated and what you do not like, but you have basically become a lion with no teeth if you are too afraid to actually back those words up with some actions. Instead you chase him, call him and apologize.
    If what you are doing isn't working then you need to stop and give some serious thought to what you might do differently.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He treats you terribly. I'm appalled that you'd consider looking again at this person let alone moving across the country to be with him. Please do not move. If you move, make sure you have an exit plan and some money set aside to put a deposit at least on a place of your own. Have a contingency plan.

    Do you have anyone - any support - in that other new city or state or province across the country? Do you have friends or family there?

    If not, please look into protecting yourself and having a plan B or at least enough funds set aside for it.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    He treats you terribly. I'm appalled that you'd consider looking again at this person let alone moving across the country to be with him. Please do not move. If you move, make sure you have an exit plan and some money set aside to put a deposit at least on a place of your own. Have a contingency plan.

    Do you have anyone - any support - in that other new city or state or province across the country? Do you have friends or family there?

    If not, please look into protecting yourself and having a plan B or at least enough funds set aside for it.
    Thank you everyone for the advice! I have decided that I will not contact him until he contacts me. If he apologizes, I would like to stand my ground and tell him that this can't happen again or else this will not work out. However, when I bring up that sorry may not be enough he typically responds with something along the lines of "sorry is never enough for you." I would like to avoid having that same 'sorry is never enough for you' conversation over again. Is there something else that I can do or say to ameliorate the situation? Typically in the past few years of our relationship, we have both always tried to work things out for us (we have both done things that were hurtful and worked through them so that they have not happened again), and I am hoping there is another way I can reason with him that blocking/hanging up is disrespectful and should not be an option. I just don't know why this specific thing keeps happening and I can't reason with him through it. Perhaps it because of the separation/isolation?? No clue

    Also, Rose Mosse: I have already moved across the country, as I finished my degree a few months ago. However, due to COVID-19, he had to visit his family for the month, hence our long-distance. The situation was not the same before I moved, and not moving is no longer an option. I was hoping to see if the relationship would work when he gets back in 2 weeks, but this month of long-distance (with the hangups/blocking) has been driving me crazy.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He uses that line because it works. Just like hanging up and blocking works.

    You can let him know how you feel. He is welcome to continue trying to manipulate you or he can behave like a mature adult. His choice.

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