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What is it with people these days?


AceAlice

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So, I've been trying to make some new friends, and it's pretty difficult with covid. I've noticed that people tend to either not put in effort to make friends, or just want sex. I'm not old, I'm 25, but i honestly feel like people these days have their priorities all skewed. It's all about sex and partying, money and physical appearances. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the above things, but to revolve your life around them?

 

I focus on my personal growth, my career, my family and friends. I don't drink anymore because it is a depressant and I honestly don't need any more depress in my life. I don't do drugs, but don't judge anyone who has the occasional smoke of the happy herb. Who am I to judge people for their personal preferences?

It just concerns me how many people are infatuated with a life style that not only affects them negatively, but affects people around them.

 

What are your thoughts ENA? Do you have any issues with finding friends?

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So, the first thing is that you say this:

 

Who am I to judge people for their personal preferences?

 

But also this:

 

I've noticed that people tend to either not put in effort to make friends, or just want sex. [...] People these days have their priorities all skewed. It's all about sex and partying, money and physical appearances. [...] It just concerns me how many people are infatuated with a life style that not only affects them negatively, but affects people around them.

 

So, whether you meant to or not, you are judging. Perhaps on a conscious level you logically know it's not right to judge people, but it seems like your unconscious is not quite there yet. Maybe try to work on your acceptance of other people's lifestyles. You're not obligated to be around them, and neither is anyone else.

 

Secondly, it's a massive generalization to say that all people just want sex, parties, and money. That may be true of the people that you are in contact with, but it's certainly not true of the entire world. Maybe look at the way in which you met these people and decide to meet people in other environments where they might be more likely to have personalities similar to yours. Obviously, this is challenging right now because of COVID but you could try get involved in groups like book clubs, arts/crafts/DIY clubs, cooking clubs, film clubs, gardening clubs, table tennis clubs, pottery clubs etc. There are countless groups, you just need to tailor your involvement according to your interests. If you can't be involved in person right now, then try finding online communities i.e. subreddits, facebook groups, online meet-ups, forums.

 

Lastly, I would say yes it can be hard to make friends. But it's not impossible, and hopefully by doing the above the process will be easier and more enjoyable for you. Don't give up, your friends are out there!

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What you just described, is unfortunately a good description of a larger portion of today's society.

 

But not everyone is like that. You do have to search harder to find people who are genuine and are not caught up in money, partying or sex.

 

It can be frustrating. But don't lower your standards due to frustration or loneliness. Whether that's in terms of dating or friendships.

 

Try to join groups or sites that are centered around your interest or hobbies. It will help connect with you people that you can at least relate to some degree with.

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Try a hobby you can be passionate about, or volunteering at a place you would enjoy time at. I once volunteered at our local zoo for a year. Other types of volunteer work are docents at museums, constructing Habitat for Humanity homes, environmental clean ups. You can join book discussion groups, writer's groups, Meetup.com groups who meet for hiking, kayaking, bowling, etc. In any of those activities, people likely don't drink, and they are less likely to have an intensive focus on makeup and high fashion.

 

Sometimes it takes years to establish friendships with regular contact because of the shared activity. Sometimes you just click with someone and your friendship takes off a lot quicker. Even if someone finds you pleasant, they might not have room in their life for another friend, as many people have full lives of having a partner, family, a handful of close friends, and a career to attend to. Take signals from them that they are open for accepting a get together if you ask, just as people look for those signals before asking someone out on a date.

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Sounds like the reality TV and social media addicted crowd. Don't run with these types. There's plenty of socially conscious people in the age groups you mention.

 

Join groups, clubs, organizations, etc that resonate with your ethos. For example volunteer. You may find less me, me, me, me designer clothes types there than in clubs or on tinder

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Thank you all for your advice. I completely agree that I need to work on not judging people. It's their lives and they are allowed to live it as they wish without judgement. I feel that where I live, many, not all, but many are influenced by others and it becomes almost wrong to not follow the trend. It's not something I can change, and I realise that. I guess I just want to know if I'm not alone in seeing the impact that social media and these trends are having on the way people communicate and live their lives.

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As Wiseman remarked:

 

"Sounds like the reality TV and social media addicted crowd."

 

And yes, there is a large swathe of people whose lives seem to revolve about this brain-numbing lifestyle. And that isn't judgment - it's a plain fact.

 

However, as Sherry said, not everyone is like that.

 

As Andrina said:

 

" You can join book discussion groups, writer's groups, Meetup.com groups who meet for hiking, kayaking, bowling, etc. In any of those activities, people likely don't drink, and they are less likely to have an intensive focus on makeup and high fashion."

 

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Don't be too hard on yourself for judging people...how else can we gauge who are decent people and who are the ones you need to steer clear of?

 

And that isn't judgment - it's a plain fact.

 

Yes. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with being aware and being careful who you let into your life. In fact, it's something you should absolutely pay attention to and be cautious of.

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So, I've been trying to make some new friends, and it's pretty difficult with covid. I've noticed that people tend to either not put in effort to make friends, or just want sex. I'm not old, I'm 25, but i honestly feel like people these days have their priorities all skewed. It's all about sex and partying, money and physical appearances. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the above things, but to revolve your life around them?

 

I focus on my personal growth, my career, my family and friends. I don't drink anymore because it is a depressant and I honestly don't need any more depress in my life. I don't do drugs, but don't judge anyone who has the occasional smoke of the happy herb. Who am I to judge people for their personal preferences?

It just concerns me how many people are infatuated with a life style that not only affects them negatively, but affects people around them.

 

What are your thoughts ENA? Do you have any issues with finding friends?

I tend to agree with you... And I can be judgmental... [emoji1787]

 

INot that I have to try to change people or that I even have to tell them. I'm entitled to make decisions on how I spend my time and with whom.

 

In general, I don't fit in. I did for a long time. Partying, drama loving, gossiping, sacrificing myself to please others... it was exhausting.

 

And not how I wanted to be.... so somewhere in between following the crowd and wanting to be true to yourself, you gotta make tough choices. sometimes going it alone.

 

Covid adds a new layer... just when being single was depressing enough on its own for me... [emoji5]

 

But its something we have to endure and save ourselves for better days. They will come. This will end.

 

better people will come into your life. I feel like at times, we're being tested. So stay true to you. keep that space open for the people you want. but for now, maybe you'll just have to go it alone a little longer or maybe someone great is just around the corner!

 

That's the beauty of life, just when you think you know, something changes. look for and expect a miracle. success is where opportunity meets preparedness. our time is coming!

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Consider making aquaintences rather than friends. These are people who you come across in life, have some things in common with but don't have to embrace everything about them.

 

These are the people you may meet in the course of your day or in your pursuits.

 

However the scrutiny you describe sounds more like dating app people you want to turn into friends possibly lover more so than just making friends per se

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i honestly feel like people these days have their priorities all skewed.

 

I think this is a statement people uttered during the Roman Empire, the Ottoman Empire, the Jazz Age, the Sixties. Since the dawn of time, really, if the story of Adam and Eve is any indicator. With that in mind, I think it's worth nothing the mindset that leads to such statements as much, if not more, than the behavior or others being judged and admonished.

 

You're in a tough moment right now, a sensitive one, newly single, reeling as the eyes adjust to the light, and probably more thirsty than usual for connection to offset the discomfort of the void. Go easy on yourself and you'll find, maybe, that you go easier on others, steering yourself to those you can feel at ease around. Those who don't live in a way that gels with you? It won't seem personal, but just another person being a person. Focus on carving out your life, and your self, in a way that feels right? Well, odds are it will guide you toward others on a similar path, people you dovetail with.

 

At 25? Sure, there's a lot of focus on some of that hormonal stuff, the surface stuff. It sticks for some, fades for others. Find what's sticky for you, go after it, and the connections follow. That's what I've found, at least.

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Well, nothing wrong with a good party now and then. We have four or five coming to a dinner party here in a couple of weeks. Gee, I better get on my domestic goddess (not!) identity. lol.

 

Alice, as time goes on you get good at side-stepping those who bring nothing to your life. A great useful phrase is : "How lovely for you!". (pretty-speak for "how boring" lol). Particularly for the keep-up-with-the-Joneses brigade.

 

Many live empty lives. Many others at 25 are more mature than some at 45/50. Besides, OP, you can make friends in many age groups.

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It sounds as though you're frustrated because you'd like to form some friendships with people who share your interests beyond the party life. That's a perfectly valid thing to want, it's just that generalizations aren't helpful to that goal.

 

Work backward, instead, from what YOU want rather than trying to define the public-at-large. That's a much simpler step, and it takes the burden of trying to market yourself to the masses off of your shoulders. When you can define what YOU want from a friendship, then screening out people who aren't likely to go there with you is not only easier--it feels less personal, because it's not an indictment against your private goals.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. When you have clarity about your own interests, you can pursue those and meet people with whom you at least share one unifying interest.

 

As adults, our personalities are more solidified than when we were younger, so we won't homogenize as well. We learn to form different kinds and degrees of 'acquaintances' to meet different needs. Your tennis friend may be lousy at conversation, your shopping friend may not share your politics or religion, and a friend in whom you can confide may hate crowds and not want to go to events or parties with you.

 

Respect the limits of each acquaintance, and over time you'll learn which of these may someday evolve into a deeper friendship.

 

Meanwhile, consider pursuing older people who are done with the party life. The older the friend, the more seriously you may be taken and the more likely some form of mentorship might evolve.

 

People tend to believe that adolescence ends at age 18, but it does not. Technically, it can extend all the way through one's mid-20's. So you're likely going through the angst of finding yourself surrounded by adolescent behavior in people your own age. But if you think of yourself as a swan surrounded by ducklings, you can still respect the ducks while moving on to pursue an older mentor who can 'see' and appreciate the beautiful swan you aspire to become.

 

Head high.

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Indeed Cat. Except in a surprising number adolescence extends well beyond 50!

 

 

 

As for friends, well here goes:

 

“I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.”

– Plutarch

 

“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

– Walter Winchell

 

“There’s not a word yet for old friends who’ve just met.”

– Jim Henson

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I look at it in a more positive light....when you have people drinking, eating, shopping, and taking care of their appearance, you have a joyous population. They are digging life and what it has to offer. It's only bad through negative depressive eyes. This is about you not what is happening around you, and that isn't the cause of your situation. Need to take a better look at why from within.

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Thank you all for your advice. I completely agree that I need to work on not judging people. It's their lives and they are allowed to live it as they wish without judgement. I feel that where I live, many, not all, but many are influenced by others and it becomes almost wrong to not follow the trend. It's not something I can change, and I realise that. I guess I just want to know if I'm not alone in seeing the impact that social media and these trends are having on the way people communicate and live their lives.

 

I'm 53. Had no social media or internet at age 25. Of course there were many 20 somethings back then in the stone age who were focused on sex and drugs and partying. I loved going out dancing to clubs but I never got drunk or took any drugs -that was a little challenging because of the judgments I got but I stuck to my values (also did not have casual sex). Of course it became harder to make new friends post-college. Social media is simply one additional factor and replaces factors that no longer exist. And it was harder to keep in touch with and make plans with people in the early 90s - no cell phones, no texting, no Internet, no email for the most part. So social media makes it much easier for me to stay in touch with people.

Do you have plans to move elsewhere? Do you meet people at work (I did including my future husband).

 

Volunteer work is a great way to meet likeminded people. Worked for me Several of my friends met close friends and spouses volunteering backstage in a community theater.

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As you say Alice:

 

"...many, not all, but many are influenced by others and it becomes almost wrong to not follow the trend."

 

 

As the saying goes: "horses for courses".

 

Some are not fit to have an original or independent thought in their heads. Hence that horrible word "influencers".

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In my experience, the best friends I have made were from church. If you are faith based, try joining your local church. They're practicing social distancing, everyone's wearing masks, there's no hand shaking, etc. Join ministries, groups and sub-groups. You'll have a lot in common with a lot of teetotalers.

 

I agree with others regarding volunteering in your community, charitable good works such as food banks, soup kitchens (feeding the homeless), etc. You'll meet empathetic types who also volunteer.

 

I wasn't into drinking, drugs nor partying and neither was my husband.

 

If you want to meet someone with a clean cut lifestyle, go where they are. They're not at singles bars.

 

Also, ask family and friends because they've done their homework for you and can tell you whom they approve or disapprove of. Become very picky and choosy because it will pay off later.

 

Even though your intentions are good, keep in mind, there are a lot of people who aren't interested in friendships. However, don't take it personally. You have to put in the work to cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships plus there has to be mutual effort otherwise the friendship will fade easily. You have to put in the time and energy to keep friendships afloat.

 

Also, separate people in your life into camps. There are acquaintances and then there are real friends. Another thing to consider is that often times friendships and socializing requires money. It's not just walks and coffee. Sometimes it's restaurants, social activities, shopping, outings and the like which requires your wallet. Closer friendships often times include remembering birthdays, postal greeting cards, e-cards (gift cards), Christmas gifts, invitations to their social events and functions and whatnot. The more friends you have, the more expensive it gets. I remember my social butterfly days and it was expensive. I've since whittled down my friendships to a select few. You'll become crazy busier with booked schedules. Having too many friends is overrated IMHO.

 

Look at MeetUps and various walks or sports groups within your community. You have to put yourself out there. People won't come to you. You have to go to them and you have to start somewhere.

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