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Thread: Feeling used and abused

  1. #1
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    Feeling used and abused

    Hi all,

    I suffer from clinical depression, and have done for many years. I also suffer from other health problems, such a chronic facial pain etc. I have been shielding due to COVID-19 at the advice of my GP.

    I am having serious problems with someone who wants/wanted a romantic relationship with me. I was wondering if someone could kindly offer me some advice?

    I will sum things up as follows:

    I met a lady a few months ago through a book that she authored. We made contact via Facebook, and later met for a coffee.

    The lady in question is 20 years older than me, and not usually the type of woman I would be interested in, but I felt a connection.

    She later decided that she would like to spend some time with me at my home. She initially wanted to stay for a month, which I found quite alarming, particularly as we only met in person once before for a quick coffee. We had, however, spoken quite a lot on the phone. I therefore agreed to let her stay for 2 weeks. I suspect she may have had an agenda, as intimacy was something she alluded to right from the outset, though it is very difficult to assess what is going on in someone’s mind. This said, she did help me with a lot of housework and cooking etc.

    She sent me a message one night as we were in separate beds (she was sleeping on the couch). She asked me if I found her unattractive, and why I wasn’t initiating any intimacy. I told her it was too soon. She looked very dejected in the days that followed. I began to feel sorry for her.

    Over a week later, we started to cuddle, and things developed from there.

    She asked me why I never kissed her, and I said the issue was that I was scarred or mindful of triggering my facial pain, as kissing is a known trigger zone, which is indeed the case. Part of the reason, however, was that I felt an issue with chemistry, albeit in that respect. Unfortunately, the lady in question has shown not to take much pride in her appearance. At the age of 63, she has/had quite bad acne etc. She also cuts her own hair etc., and refuses to go to a hairdresser. In those circumstances, particularly as the relationship was very new, I had a slight issue with that, but I didn’t want to mention it to her at the time in the event that I inadvertently cause offence.

    In response to the lack of kissing, she refused to engage in any further intimacy, which I feel was perhaps slightly manipulative.

    When she left my home after circa 2 weeks, there was an exchange of messages where she constantly referred to my buttocks. I was a bit sensitive about this, particularly as the relationship was new, and told her that. She responded by stating “there is something wrong with you”, which I felt was a bit tactless and disrespectful. I then thought to myself that if she is not sensitive to my feelings, I should perhaps exercise a little less reservation in being open and honest regarding the reasons I found kissing difficult. She, however, took major offence.

    Later that night, I mentioned I would like to keep the relationship platonic, and that things were moving too quickly, which was not received well at all. She got very drunk, and sent me those most horrific and abusive text messages I have ever been in receipt of, throughout the night, which profoundly shocked me. I didn’t respond in an abusive manner, and only tried to console her and apologise for any offence caused. I was sincerely worried about her wellbeing.

    I felt sorry for her, whereas I suspect other people would have run a mile at this point, and began to attempt to repair the relationship. She, however, has refused to show any remorse for her highly abusive behaviour, whereas I have expressed regret and sincere remorse, and have reflected on my statements.

    She has also recently treated me with further contempt, for example by suggesting I am “crazy” for not wanting for intimacy with her at the current time due to her highly abusive outburst.

    She recently demanded to stay with me again, but I expressed reluctance due to her remorseless and shameless abuse. Essentially, she gave me the ultimatum that she either comes to stay or she doesn’t communicate with me again, which is a red flag in my mind.

    It appears she has now blocked me, or is stonewalling.

    The sad things is that she has a very loving and caring side, but I do wonder if she had an agenda. Due to my poor mental health, I feel very vulnerable and defensive. My mental health has also deteriorated due to this conflict. I have suffered a lot of abuse as a child and adolescent, and am very sensitive when it comes to this type of behaviour.

    Any advice or thoughts would be immensely appreciated.

    Sincere thanks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The advice you pretty much gave yourself - run a mile or twenty really.

    Learn to listen to your own instincts and voice of reason, which were screaming at you that this person, her behavior, the whole situation is crazy and you should run.
    Block, delete, have no more contact with this person ever again. When you listen to your gut and learn how to be stronger in saying no to wild requests or demands, you'll find that you actually feel better and stronger as a person overall.

    A good way to feel bad is to invite horrible people into your life. A good way to feel good is to surround yourself with good quality people instead. This means that when you make a mistake, misjudge someone as being good and then they show you they are nuts, abusive, etc, you quickly remove that person from your life. No and's and but's about that. Just do it.

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The advice you pretty much gave yourself - run a mile or twenty really.

    Learn to listen to your own instincts and voice of reason, which were screaming at you that this person, her behavior, the whole situation is crazy and you should run.
    Block, delete, have no more contact with this person ever again. When you listen to your gut and learn how to be stronger in saying no to wild requests or demands, you'll find that you actually feel better and stronger as a person overall.

    A good way to feel bad is to invite horrible people into your life. A good way to feel good is to surround yourself with good quality people instead. This means that when you make a mistake, misjudge someone as being good and then they show you they are nuts, abusive, etc, you quickly remove that person from your life. No and's and but's about that. Just do it.
    Yes, I think there are definitely some words of wisdom there. There problem is where you get emotionally attached to someone, and feel sorry for them. I suppose, however, that those are the tools an emotional abuser relies on.

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    Another point worth noting is that she doesn't have any significant friends. She has also fallen out with both her sisters (I'll give her the benefit of the doubt based on her reasoning), but she is not even on talking terms with her own mother too. All this strongly suggests there is a serious issue there.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jas76
    I suspect she may have had an agenda . . .
    It sounds like she needed a place to live. Was she homeless prior to this?

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    The first red flag was when a complete stranger wanted to stay with you, then it really went downhill.

    "Loving and caring" people do not behave as she has. The woman sounds abusive, manipulative nut job , but you know this. You need to block and delete her immediately, as I would bet money that she will be back.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What was her book about? Clearly she is unstable and her departure is a good thing. Delete and block her. She's a bit cookoo.

  9. #8
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    What do your friends and family say?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by waffle
    It sounds like she needed a place to live. Was she homeless prior to this?
    Nope, she was properly housed. I was thinking she perhaps had a sexual agenda, which seems to ring true because she's happy to part ways or have a conniption if she doesn't get any intimacy.
    Last edited by Jas76; 06-29-2020 at 08:00 PM.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    The first red flag was when a complete stranger wanted to stay with you, then it really went downhill.

    "Loving and caring" people do not behave as she has. The woman sounds abusive, manipulative nut job , but you know this. You need to block and delete her immediately, as I would bet money that she will be back.
    Yeah, think you could well be right. The sad thing is that I enjoyed her company, together with speaking to her, albeit when she is not being abusive. There is no question in my mind, however, that she is a manipulator and emotional blackmailer.

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