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Thread: Feeling used and abused

  1. #61
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Her manipulative and abusive behavior is an issue for you and only you, it is not an issue for her at all. It WORKS for her. Please wrap your mind around that. People who abuse are doing it intentionally because it works for them and they like what they do. So asking them to stop, change, be nice, feel bad, apologize, see it as an issue that you see is quite frankly absurd and a complete act of futility. It is only an issue for you because you are being abused and your solution is block, delete, and otherwise immediately kick that person out of your life with extreme prejudice.
    That's very true indeed. I've fast come to the realisation that she has absolutely no issue with her behaviour. I also think the more the relationship developed, the more she would capitalise on, exploit and manipulate my feelings. With that in mind, I suppose it is definitely better to get out early, but it's still extremely tough when you have feelings for someone, and genuinely care about them.

    I think if she really cared about me, she wouldn't have behaved the way she did (I think someone mentioned this early on in this thread), and would show some remorse in regards to her abuse, particularly when I keep bringing it up as an issue months after the event.

  2. #62
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jas76
    That's very true indeed. I've fast come to the realisation that she has absolutely no issue with her behaviour. I also think the more the relationship developed, the more she would capitalise on, exploit and manipulate my feelings. With that in mind, I suppose it is definitely better to get out early, but it's still extremely tough when you have feelings for someone, and genuinely care about them.

    I think if she really cared about me, she wouldn't have behaved the way she did (I think someone mentioned this early on in this thread), and would show some remorse in regards to her abuse, particularly when I keep bringing it up as an issue months after the event.
    Thatís the thing people who abuse other people are not sorry and they donít care they think they do. She obviously wanted to get into your house for some reason that would benefit her. Please avoid people that steamroller over you. If they start steamrollering the minute they meet you do you know thereís something wrong.

  3. #63
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You keep claiming feelings.....but can you dismantle that a bit for yourself? You don't like her, she is abusive to you, you don't find her physically appealing, you don't have any sexual attraction to her......sooo.......the only feeling you've really described is that you feel sorry for her, but that's not a basis for anything.

    Feelings is a conveniently vague term that allows people to avoid looking more honestly at their own behavior, attachment, etc. Some posters already called you out on white knight syndrome and codependence. You might want to give yourself and these issues some deeper research and thought instead of fixating on her issues. At least when you deal with yourself, you'll benefit and become stronger. Fixating on her issues is you avoiding dealing with yourself. Don't.

  4. #64
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your intentions were to fix and change her. Whatever your motives were for you to engage in this risky situation is for you to reflect on.
    Originally Posted by Jas76
    Are you suggesting my intentions were sinister?

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  6. #65
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Thatís the thing people who abuse other people are not sorry and they donít care they think they do. She obviously wanted to get into your house for some reason that would benefit her. Please avoid people that steamroller over you. If they start steamrollering the minute they meet you do you know thereís something wrong.
    Yes, it certainly seems so regarding abusers. It's not far from psychopathic/sociopathic behaviour in this case.

    For me, the emotional blackmail (the ultimatum she gave me), shameless contempt and lack of remorse was the final straw. Some argue that treating your partner with contempt is the worst thing you can do in a relationship:

    [Register to see the link]

    I would like to think she wanted to come over as she enjoyed my company, but I suspect the main reason was sexual impulses, but I may be wrong. The reason I say this is because I very much doubt she will find another man 20 years younger than her to show in any interest in her sexually, particularly as she doesn't really take too much pride in her appearance etc. Perhaps she thought she will never get the opportunity again at her age.

    I really can't help feel genuinely sorry for her, and I do/did really care about her, but I do think she's her own worst enemy so to speak. I think I put up with her unreasonable behaviour far more than anyone else would have done.

  7. #66
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long did you know her in total and when did you last speak with her? Are you still blocked?
    Originally Posted by Jas76

    I met a lady a few months ago through a book that she authored.

    It appears she has now blocked me, or is stonewalling.

  8. #67
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    You keep claiming feelings.....but can you dismantle that a bit for yourself? You don't like her, she is abusive to you, you don't find her physically appealing, you don't have any sexual attraction to her......sooo.......the only feeling you've really described is that you feel sorry for her, but that's not a basis for anything.

    Feelings is a conveniently vague term that allows people to avoid looking more honestly at their own behavior, attachment, etc. Some posters already called you out on white knight syndrome and codependence. You might want to give yourself and these issues some deeper research and thought instead of fixating on her issues. At least when you deal with yourself, you'll benefit and become stronger. Fixating on her issues is you avoiding dealing with yourself. Don't.
    There is a lot of truth in that, though I would add that I valued our conversations and our exchanges. I know I have painted a very grim picture, but she did have some good qualities. It is quite tough to truly understand the way we feel about out people, because I suspect a lot of that is driven by subconscious mental processes. It's very important that we are mindful of them though, as you suggest.

    Yes, I am definitely focused on sorting myself out, and will happily admit I'm not infallible, as no one is. The problem is I'm a big softy, and become very fond of people, and try to overlook people's imperfections for the most part. The lady in question made it too difficult for me though sadly.

  9. #68
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Your intentions were to fix and change her. Whatever your motives were for you to engage in this risky situation is for you to reflect on.
    There is also some truth in that I suppose. I suppose the phrase ďa leopard never changes its spotsĒ is also quite pertinent is regards to this lady's behaviour.

  10. #69
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    How long did you know her in total and when did you last speak with her? Are you still blocked?
    I've known her for around 6 months I think. We've spoken a lot during that time.

    Not sure if I'm still blocked, but not heard from her today. There have been times where she stonewalled for days, then slowly started to engage again.

    Do you think there may be some hope here in terms of friendship or something?

  11. #70
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    I found this video to be very interesting and pertinent, so thought I would share it:

    [Register to see the link]

    Think the principles there apply in all kinds of personal interactions.

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