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Thread: Feeling used and abused

  1. #31
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    If you absolutely feel you want to still remain in her life (although I advise against it), then keep it to phone ONLY. Do not give into her trying to convince you to allow her to come over.

    As for her skin, she really ought to take better care of herself. (Again, that's on HER, not you). You pointed it out, but you also gave her a reason as to why you don't find her attractive or wish to be intimate with her.
    There's nothing wrong with that, Jas. You have every right to tell someone why it's not going to work for you to be intimate.
    You don't find her physically appealing, and you know what? Not many would. She again is choosing to not take care of herself.
    That's no one else's fault...but hers.

    Google "white knight syndrome". You are spot on when you say that "saving" her, will sacrifice your own wellbeing.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    If you absolutely feel you want to still remain in her life (although I advise against it), then keep it to phone ONLY. Do not give into her trying to convince you to allow her to come over.

    As for her skin, she really ought to take better care of herself. (Again, that's on HER, not you). You pointed it out, but you also gave her a reason as to why you don't find her attractive or wish to be intimate with her.
    There's nothing wrong with that, Jas. You have every right to tell someone why it's not going to work for you to be intimate.
    You don't find her physically appealing, and you know what? Not many would. She again is choosing to not take care of herself.
    That's no one else's fault...but hers.

    Google "white knight syndrome". You are spot on when you say that "saving" her, will sacrifice your own wellbeing.
    Yep, although I've been shielding due to COVID-19, I was trying to keep a safe distance, whilst hoping she would see the error of her ways. It hasn't actualised sadly.

    She recently argued that it's best to discuss all this in person, thereby letting her into my home again. That made me uncomfortable for obvious reasons, not least because one doesn't need a face-to-face discussion to realise abuse is wrong. I suspect a bit more manipulation was happening there, or was on the agenda. Indeed, why would a reasonable person invite a shamelessly abusive person into their home? Had she expressed sincere remorse etc. then things would have been slightly different.

    Yes, I totally agree with you regarding her skin. It turns out that I actually compelled her to take better care of her skin, which cost her virtually nothing (a Clearasil wash and rose water), and she was having good results. Unfortunately, it can be tough to feel drawn to someone who doesn't take much pride in their appearance, especially at her age, or just can't be bothered. I'm clearly not that shallow to reject someone because of a skin issue, which is why there was some intimacy etc. nonetheless, and I made every attempt to reconcile matters.

    Yep, I've googled White Knight Syndrome after you mentioned it. I think there is a hint of me in that, and perhaps her too.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Is there a reason why you're not dating women your own age?

    Consider making a dating profile. You don't need to meet up (at least not any time soon). But to browse profiles and even have a chat or a few messages here or there, would help get you back on track with meeting more appropriate women.

    You can still offer her a listening ear, but at a distance.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Is there a reason why you're not dating women your own age?

    Consider making a dating profile. You don't need to meet up (at least not any time soon). But to browse profiles and even have a chat or a few messages here or there, would help get you back on track with meeting more appropriate women.

    You can still offer her a listening ear, but at a distance.
    I think at some level I've kind of given up on dating, especially dating sites. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met this woman - we just started chatting, met for a coffee, and before you know it she was in my home.

    I suppose I have been hurt in relationships, like many people, which makes me reluctant. I am also not a big talker, albeit at times, which many women take issue with. My health also hasn't been that great, and it's hard to find someone understanding in that respect (the last woman I had a relationship wasn't really, which is the one before the lady in question).

    I found a psychological concept which I think explains her lack of remorse:

    [Register to see the link]

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  6. #35
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    Your manipulator encounter might not have resulted in cheating but I think the contents of this post ring true. All energy you invest in wondering why she does what she does is energy you aren't investing in you. Back away from her skein of ****edupness and spend your time on literally anything else.

    [Register to see the link]

    (Enotalone censors the web address, you'll need to replace that star with the relevant vowel)

  7. #36
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    Stop googling what might be wrong with her, and start focusing on yourself.

    You need to figure out why you don't have better boundaries and are afraid to assert yourself. This woman zeroed right in on you because she sensed you would have a hard time saying no to her. She chose you for a reason, and it's likely not a flattering reason, unfortunately.

    Stop letting her toy with you. Are you in therapy of any sort yourself? I fear you are quite vulnerable to other predatory types who will try to take advantage of you the way this woman tried.

  8. #37
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    Yes, I'm in therapy, and have been looking at basic psychology for my own good, and as it's good to try understand human behaviour.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She's not your patient or your responsibility. While it's interesting to you to look up psychiatric disorders, she could have any number or combination of things starting with substitute abuse, mood disorders, thought disorders, personality disorders, etc.

    She belongs in a treatment center, not on your sofa. She's not a specimen to toy with, she's a clearly troubled human being. If you had compassion you would have called EMS for her and would stop encouraging her self destruction .
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 06-30-2020 at 03:34 AM.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by Jas76
    Yes, I'm in therapy, and have been looking at basic psychology for my own good, and as it's good to try understand human behaviour.
    Having an interest in psychology is fine but trying to diagnose another by google searches is not. Basically you are not qualified to diagnose and your researched outcome is still at the end of the day a guess. And serves no purpose.

    Even if your guess was by fluke correct , what does it matter?

    What does matter is how you are being treated by another regardless of their diagnosis and if it is something you are willing to tolerate or not? Since you barely know this person , of course you should not tolerate this behaviour from a virtual stranger. If it was a family member or life long friend then sure!

    As for your trigeminal neuralgia , have you found out the cause of it?
    Depending on the cause , results in different treatment methods and / or cure.
    Have you sought a second opinion?

  11. #40
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's important to realize that you drove this whole thing, so who's the victim here? Sorry to say but the clearasil and cuddles are your ideas and a bit creepy.

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