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Thread: Feeling used and abused

  1. #191
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    If you have no formal background in psychiatry, it is absolutely not an educated guess. It's a guess based on very superficial information you Googled, about a woman you don't actually know that well. You are likely not familiar with the clinical diagnostic criteria of any personality disorder, unless you have access to academic, peer-reviewed materials and have experience in identifying, diagnosing, and treating mental health conditions. This isn't your case, is it?

    You are enabling your own obsessive thinking here, man, and it's only keeping you stuck. This is the reason she honed in on you; she could detect your weaknesses a mile away. She knows exactly how to exploit them.

    The only thing you can really do is not complain about it when she hurts you again. You're signing up for this if you continue to involve yourself with this person.
    Agreed, I have no clinical background, but it does seem that she has all the signs and symptoms that fit the diagnostic criteria:

    F60.30 Impulsive type

    At least three of the following must be present, one of which must be (2):

    1. marked tendency to act unexpectedly and without consideration of the consequences;
    2. marked tendency to engage in quarrelsome behavior and to have conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or criticized;
    3. liability to outbursts of anger or violence, with inability to control the resulting behavioral explosions;
    4. difficulty in maintaining any course of action that offers no immediate reward;
    5. unstable and capricious (impulsive, whimsical) mood.

    F60.31 Borderline type

    At least three of the symptoms mentioned in F60.30 Impulsive type must be present [see above], with at least two of the following in addition:

    1. disturbances in and uncertainty about self-image, aims, and internal preferences;
    2. liability to become involved in intense and unstable relationships, often leading to emotional crisis;
    3. excessive efforts to avoid abandonment;
    4. recurrent threats or acts of self-harm;
    5. chronic feelings of emptiness;
    6. demonstrates impulsive behavior, e.g., speeding in a car or substance abuse.[86]

    The ICD-10 also describes some general criteria that define what is considered a personality disorder.

    The best method is to present the criteria of the disorder to a person and to ask them if they feel that these characteristics accurately describe them.

    Manipulative behavior to obtain nurturance is considered by the DSM-IV-TR and many mental health professionals to be a defining characteristic of borderline personality disorder.

    An unstable family environment predicts the development of the disorder.


    Source:

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    In my humble opinion, she has at least three of the symptoms mentioned in F60.30 (impulsiveness, quarrelsome behavior and to have conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or criticized, liability to outbursts of anger or violence, with inability to control the resulting behavioral explosions, unstable and capricious (impulsive, whimsical) mood).

    Her impulsive behaviour is as described (alcohol abuse and binge eating, wanting to stay with nearly a complete stranger for a month etc.).

    She also has the childhood trauma, both in terms of sexual abuse and neglect.

    She clearly has a history of unstable relationships and abandonment.

    A psychiatrist has diagnosed her with depression, anxiety and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), all of which are co-morbid conditions, and even form the basis of misdiagnosis (see the Wikipedia page).

    She also fits the profile with her manipulative behaviour.

    When one considers all that, you can clearly see there is an argument that she suffers from BPD.

    Yes, the hurtful and manipulative behaviour is a major concern, which is why I'm keeping her at an arm's length. I'm not sure, quite yet, that the best thing to do is cut all ties and block her, but that certainly may be the only option if her abusive behaviour keeps cropping up. The sad things is that one can't have a reasonable discussion with her, and she just can't see anyone else's point of view.

  2. #192
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Most people who are drunk and get criticized about their looks, acne, personality and get messages about how emotionally unhinged they are don't respond well.

  3. #193
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Most people who are drunk and get criticized about their looks, acne, personality and get messages about how emotionally unhinged they are don't respond well.
    So you think her behaviour is perfectly normal then, and should be excused as such? If so, you appear to be disagreeing with every other person who has posted in this thread.

  4. #194
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I'm getting the feeling focusing on this woman gives you something to do.

    All the research, all the copying and pasting, all the ruminating and dwelling and planning what to say to her...it's like this gives you a purpose in life.

    Since you like research I can't help but think that skill could be applied somewhere more productive and less harmful to your mental health.

    And I get wanting something to focus on. I'm currently on leave from work because I'm having a lot of trouble with debilitating anxiety. I focus on things that are not necessarily productive because they give me something to do (like post on this forum imagining I might actually be helping someone...). But when I do things like clean or organize my apartment or take training classes relevant to my work it adds to my life instead of bringing something into it that I know could be counterproductive to my mental health.

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  6. #195
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    I think sending her texts insinuating she is crazy and making remarks about her appearance are cruel and unwarranted. Is she sane?

    Who knows considering she seems like a transient who wanted to stay at your place and trashes with abusive remarks when drunk and defensive. But that could be any number of things. I saw schizophrenic man walking down the street once telling everyone to f-off.

    Who knows she could have an organic brain syndrome considering her age and drinking habits. Have you checked the neurology journals? Maybe she has MS, a brain tumor or any multitude of psychiatric or physical issues.

    You can continue to look up every thought, personality, mood, organic and substance abuse disorder in the DSM5 if you want, but the point is do you want to keep texting her?
    Originally Posted by Jas76
    So you think her behaviour is perfectly normal then, and should be excused as such?

  7. #196
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I'm getting the feeling focusing on this woman gives you something to do.

    All the research, all the copying and pasting, all the ruminating and dwelling and planning what to say to her...it's like this gives you a purpose in life.

    Since you like research I can't help but think that skill could be applied somewhere more productive and less harmful to your mental health.

    And I get wanting something to focus on. I'm currently on leave from work because I'm having a lot of trouble with debilitating anxiety. I focus on things that are not necessarily productive because they give me something to do (like post on this forum imagining I might actually be helping someone...). But when I do things like clean or organize my apartment or take training classes relevant to my work it adds to my life instead of bringing something into it that I know could be counterproductive to my mental health.
    I hear you.

    I think it is coming from a place of genuine caring for her, and not wanting to treat her unfairly. I feel I at least owe her that. I can assure you if I didn't give a damn about her that I have plenty of other things to do.

    I think my altruism (to some degree anyway) is my achilles heel often sadly, hence the reason I invited her into my home, which ultimately led to most of this drama. I really struggle to find a healthy balance sometimes.

    I also wouldn't undermine your contribution here. It has been immensely helpful, and given me a lot of food for thought.

  8. #197
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    I think sending her texts insinuating she is crazy and making remarks about her appearance are cruel and unwarranted. Is she sane?

    Who knows considering she seems like a transient who wanted to stay at your place and trashes with abusive remarks when drunk and defensive. But that could be any number of things. I saw schizophrenic man walking down the street once telling everyone to f-off.

    Who knows she could have an organic brain syndrome considering her age and drinking habits. Have you checked the neurology journals? Maybe she has MS, a brain tumor or any multitude of psychiatric or physical issues.

    You can continue to look up every thought, personality, mood, organic and substance abuse disorder in the DSM5 if you want, but the point is do you want to keep texting her?
    You know the background, as set out in my first post, which has been extensively elaborated on. I tried to bottle things up as long as I could, but at some point it's best to be open and honest. Others have also mentioned that she does carry some responsibility regarding her lack of care for herself ([Register to see the link] ). That said, I could perhaps have exercised more tact in regards to her skin problems, which I have reflected on and sincerely apologised for, which is a hell of a lot more than she has done, regardless of sending me the most abusive text messages I have ever received! You also conveniently gloss over the fact that she cruelly manipulated me into saying something there.

    Moreover, do you not see any hint of cruelness in her subjecting me to the kind of abuse, hositliy and manipulation she has, particularly knowing of my clinical depression? It goes further when she clearly has no remorse, and such behaviour continues to crop up. She has accused me of being crazy on many occasion, in the most callous and hurtful terms, with the intention of causing offence.

    The comment regarding her emotional instability (widely accepted from posters in this thread) was said with her best interests in mind, and a genuine attempt to rescue the relationship, albeit in part. To that end, I think you are being more than a little unfair and harsh.

    She definitely doesn't have MS, and her psychiatric diagnosis is relatively clear.

  9. #198
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Jas.

    Here it is. The heart of the matter.

    "I really struggle to find a healthy balance sometimes
    ."

    And healthy balance will definitely not be found with an unhealthy "other".

    The sad things is that one can't have a reasonable discussion with her, and she just can't see anyone else's point of view.

    Time to call it a day on this one, OP.

  10. #199
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Calling each other crazy doesn't sound like fun. If she were on trail and you were her attorney, would you use the insanity defense in her case?
    Originally Posted by Jas76
    Moreover, do you not see any hint of cruelness in her subjecting me to the kind of abuse, hositliy and manipulation she has, particularly knowing of my clinical depression?

  11. #200
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Jas.

    Here it is. The heart of the matter.

    "I really struggle to find a healthy balance sometimes
    ."

    And healthy balance will definitely not be found with an unhealthy "other".

    The sad things is that one can't have a reasonable discussion with her, and she just can't see anyone else's point of view.

    Time to call it a day on this one, OP.
    Indeed, all that is very sad but true.

    Yep, I try and discuss things with her and she becomes very hostile, confrontational, vindictive and overemotional, hence the reason that I was always reluctant to discuss all this in person, and try approach things from a safe distance. As I have alluded to previously, she also doesn't need a face-to-face discussion to realise that her relentless rage and abuse that one night was profoundly wrong. If someone can't see that that kind of abuse is wrong, especially when given months to reflect and repeatedly prompted to do so, then I can safely say that there is little hope.

    Thanks for the link etc. you sent me by the way. I think a lot of that is very pertinent.

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