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Thread: Feeling used and abused

  1. #151
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok, then all you have to do is stop hyper-focusing on her and her theoretical diagnoses. Try to go back to your life before it was interrupted by this tryst.

    How was your life before her? Were you happy? Dating? Working? Socializing? Try to do a system restore with your spinning mind, back to the time when things were functioning better.
    Yes, I think I'm a bit guilty of that.

    Definitely not too happy before, as I suffer from depression. The facial pain (trigeminal neuralgia) also causes me a lot of misery and debility from time to time, though this hasn't been too bad recently thankfully.

    Also not much dating before, and not working due to health problems, which has been the case for a few years. I often used to sleep all day because of the side effects of opiates. So, not much of a social life, especially now with COVID-19, which compounds matters.

    A friend of mine actually broke ties with me, albeit for a few months, because I didn't show an interest in his son's birthday. He took major offence it would seem. He clearly wasn't very sympathetic to my chronic health problems, whereas as the lady in question seems to be very understanding, when she is not manic of course.

    Avoiding contact with friends and taking part in fewer social activities is a symptom of depression. My other health problems and the side effects of medication (extreme tiredness etc.) make/made matters worse.

  2. #152
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You admitted engaging with this woman exacerbates your mental health issues.

    So why do you want to continue to engage? Because sometimes she was nice? You have to realize you'd be dealing with both the "nice" her AND the her who exacerbates your mental health issues.

  3. #153
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You admitted engaging with this woman exacerbates your mental health issues.

    So why do you want to continue to engage? Because sometimes she was nice? You have to realize you'd be dealing with both the "nice" her AND the her who exacerbates your mental health issues.
    Yes, indeed. That's the crux of the conundrum.

  4. #154
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Well, if a food tasted good but made you sick would you continue to eat it?

    You say you "love" her and have an emotional attachment to her. You realize that you are as attached to the "bad" parts of her as you are to the "good" parts. I'd wonder why I'm attracted to spending time with someone who treats me so badly.

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  6. #155
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Chronic pain sucks, especially when the cure becomes worse than the disease. Hopefully the TN is in remission. And yes covid is bad for everyone and makes already bad situations/conditions even worse.

    There are things you can do however rather than focus on this woman. One is to make sure your TN and depression are managed to the best possibility they can be. Of course even in severe pain syndromes, opiates are only for short term use and are in themselves depressants. So find a good neurologist and psychiatrist to tweak your treatment.

    Another thing, if it's helpful to you, is to start a recovery or personal journal here: [Register to see the link]

    At some level you realize perseverating on her issues is a distraction, albeit a nonproductive one. Human suffering is universal. You'll see that from the many journals on heartache, chronic pain, health conditions and life in general.
    Originally Posted by Jas76
    Definitely not too happy before, as I suffer from depression. The facial pain (trigeminal neuralgia) also causes me a lot of misery and debility from time to time, though this hasn't been too bad recently thankfully.

    Avoiding contact with friends and taking part in fewer social activities is a symptom of depression. My other health problems and the side effects of medication (extreme tiredness etc.) make/made matters worse.

  7. #156
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Well, if a food tasted good but made you sick would you continue to eat it?

    You say you "love" her and have an emotional attachment to her. You realize that you are as attached to the "bad" parts of her as you are to the "good" parts. I'd wonder why I'm attracted to spending time with someone who treats me so badly.
    I see where you are coming from.

    To use your analogy, the food only tends to make sick occasionally, and when it does, it makes me really sick.

    I was hoping of finding a way of taming her bad parts, but sometimes think that is futile and I am out of my depth.

    In simple terms, I really think a messy self-image, low self-esteem and vindictive nature are her issues, together with a tragic childhood. Not sure if there is a solution there.
    Last edited by Jas76; 07-04-2020 at 07:26 PM.

  8. #157
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jas76
    I see where you are coming from.

    To use your analogy, the food only tends to make sick occasionally, and when it does, it makes me really sick.

    I was hoping of finding a way of taming her bad parts, but somethings think that is futile and I am out of my depth.

    In simple terms, I really think a messy self-image, low self-esteem and vindictive nature are her issues, together with a tragic childhood. Not sure if there is a solution there.
    You can't "tame her bad parts". For one thing, that would take a professional. And for another thing, wouldn't she have to admit she had issues? You say she has not.

    There is a "solution", you just don't want to seem to want it. Stop engaging and find someone else to communicate with. Seriously, there are SO many people online right now who are looking for people to chat with. And many, many of them are perfectly nice people.

    And you haven't addressed my question...what is it that makes you attracted to someone who abuses you? And not the tired "but she's not always mean!!" Because most people would have boogied after being talked to like that, no matter how lovely the person might have been before.

  9. #158
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Chronic pain sucks, especially when the cure becomes worse than the disease. Hopefully the TN is in remission. And yes covid is bad for everyone and makes already bad situations/conditions even worse.

    There are things you can do however rather than focus on this woman. One is to make sure your TN and depression are managed to the best possibility they can be. Of course even in severe pain syndromes, opiates are only for short term use and are in themselves depressants. So find a good neurologist and psychiatrist to tweak your treatment.

    Another thing, if it's helpful to you, is to start a recovery or personal journal here: [Register to see the link]

    At some level you realize perseverating on her issues is a distraction, albeit a nonproductive one. Human suffering is universal. You'll see that from the many journals on heartache, chronic pain, health conditions and life in general.
    Yep, it sucks alright, and yes, the side effects of medication are often worse than the pain itself. To make matters worse, opiates lose some of their effectiveness after a while too, as you have touched upon.

    You're totally right about opiates and them being depressants themselves. How did you know about that? Have you been on them? They have really compounded my depression at times, as they really seem to mess with dopamine levels etc.

    I tried to explore other medications, but the side effects there are just as grim, so I tend to shy away from that.

    Indeed, COVID-19 has been an absolute nightmare.

    I'll look at a journal, many thanks.

    You're totally right about human suffering. It's quite a sick world we live in (one of the main drivers of my depression) and it sadly produces a lot of very damaged, cynical and unpleasant people. It also produces a lot of decent people, who learn from the suffering, and come out better people e.g. more emphatic and altruistic.

    I'm so glad I found this forum though. The input has been extremely inspiring and helpful, especially during these times. It's been an absolute godsend.

  10. #159
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You can't "tame her bad parts". For one thing, that would take a professional. And for another thing, wouldn't she have to admit she had issues? You say she has not.

    There is a "solution", you just don't want to seem to want it. Stop engaging and find someone else to communicate with. Seriously, there are SO many people online right now who are looking for people to chat with. And many, many of them are perfectly nice people.

    And you haven't addressed my question...what is it that makes you attracted to someone who abuses you? And not the tired "but she's not always mean!!" Because most people would have boogied after being talked to like that, no matter how lovely the person might have been before.
    Yes, I really don't see her seeing a mental health professional again, unless a miracle happens. Yes, she also seems to think that she is perfectly fine and seemingly infallible. I would argue that, in any event, at her age it is likely that she is pretty set in her ways.

    I have noted that she went to the her GP to get some hormone treatment. It seems a hormone imbalance could cause mood swings etc., but I think her behaviour cannot be explained away by the odd mood swing. I sense there is something more serious going on there.

    Yep, I know there are plenty of nice people around. I'm not a big talker when I meet new people in person (due to my difficult childhood I suspect), and my therapists says that studies show that women find this very unattractive (studies have shown that women almost universally find shyness unattractive in potential romantic partners). I have had this problem on many occasions before. For example, I went out with a woman and wasn't very chatty that night for whatever reason. The woman in question just very coldly ignored me after that, including one or two very pleasant text messages after the event.

    Anyway, hopefully ongoing therapy will help with my shyness issues (assuming that is what it is).

    Indeed, I told her exactly that - many people would have run a mile after her shocking outburst. I think telling her that the age difference and her skin was an issue for me during intimacy really triggered something profound, together with me telling her that I would like to keep things platonic (due to intimacy complicating things), and she was attempting to inflict as much pain and humiliation on me as she could from a distance.

    I know all couples have heated arguments from time to time, but her behaviour that night was extremely shocking by anyone's measure.

    So, my thinking is that if there is no intimacy and I keep her at a safe distance, there may be a way to keep her unruly and hostile behaviour under control, albeit for the most part.

  11. #160
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    "I know all couples have heated arguments from time to time, but her behaviour that night was extremely shocking by anyone's measure.
    "


    So you viewed the two of you as a couple?

    And you still want to maintain a relationship with her knowing she is likely to be verbally abusive again. That's too bad, because you've said her verbal abuse exacerbates your mental health issues. But I presume you feel putting up with her abuse is the price you are willing to pay to keep her in your life.

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