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Thread: Feeling used and abused

  1. #131
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The majority of us have had very hard times and not so happy childhoods. Everyone has a sad story to share. There's even some who deal with mental illness or disorders.
    But a typical person doesn't go around attacking and abusing people, just because they think they can.

    There is a certain responsibility that goes along with any health issue and getting the help you need as a grown adult. At this point, you're just making poor excuses for this woman.

    What you need to do is stop excusing bs, and to start holding her accountable. She is a toxic jerk who has zero remorse. Don't tell me she's had it hard and only wanted love and so on, in order to excuse her awful behavior. Everyone wants love, but the majority of people don't use force, manipulation, etc in order to get that.

    Jas, you really need to start holding people accountable, otherwise you're going to allow the worst kind of people into your life. You're a grown man, you should know what a good person is and isn't. This woman, is not a good person.

    You need to get yourself a proper friend who is actually a good person and is in a good place, mentally. And it's definitely NOT this woman.

  2. #132
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Who mentioned romance, OP?! ?

    How about a well-adjusted friend or two who might engage in sane conversation, for starters? Also, well-adjusted people are not in the habit of hurting others, and it isn't their career mode.

    You don't have to get madly enmeshed in high-octane stuff. And you sure do not want to be an ambulatory out-patient psychiatric unit. I don't think!
    I have a good friend or two, so no worries there.

    Yes, definitively no more high-octane stuff otherwise I may be heading for that psychiatric unit.

  3. #133
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Eh, I would wager that this more about your own poor sense of self-worth and a lack of boundaries than it is about being a "softy." You have permitted this woman to wipe her feet on you and treat you like crap; but you are gaining something from this too, in the sense that you feel better about yourself when you think you can provide her the attention she apparently wants.
    Don't really think so. I've put a foot down on many occasions, so much so that is seems to have torn the relationship apart.

    I'm not in the habit of caring or engaging with people because I have an agenda, which happens to often these days, but because I really feel that there is some kind of connection I want to explore. The lady in question showed me copious amount of love and caring at first, before she blew her lid then failed to show any remorse.

    I'm not infallible, though, and make the wrong choices sometimes.

  4. #134
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Excellent. Keep it that way. It gives you time to wind down from the whole mess and focus on improving your own happiness and well being.

    Have you found a doctor/therapist who resonates with you better? You claim you sued the last one and got financial compensation for incompetence.
    True I suppose. I did enjoy her company and conversation when she wasn't manic.

    Seeing one of the best therapist in the country, and we have a really good report. Sadly there have been some problems paying his invoices due to COVID-19, so things are paused.

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  6. #135
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    The majority of us have had very hard times and not so happy childhoods. Everyone has a sad story to share. There's even some who deal with mental illness or disorders.
    But a typical person doesn't go around attacking and abusing people, just because they think they can.

    There is a certain responsibility that goes along with any health issue and getting the help you need as a grown adult. At this point, you're just making poor excuses for this woman.

    What you need to do is stop excusing bs, and to start holding her accountable. She is a toxic jerk who has zero remorse. Don't tell me she's had it hard and only wanted love and so on, in order to excuse her awful behavior. Everyone wants love, but the majority of people don't use force, manipulation, etc in order to get that.

    Jas, you really need to start holding people accountable, otherwise you're going to allow the worst kind of people into your life. You're a grown man, you should know what a good person is and isn't. This woman, is not a good person.

    You need to get yourself a proper friend who is actually a good person and is in a good place, mentally. And it's definitely NOT this woman.
    Yes, some valid words of wisdom there.

    I have had a very tough childhood myself, hence one of the reasons I suffer from depression. I swallow my pride and deal with it the best I can. I certainly don't turn to abusing others, even when they send me the most horrific abuse via text message.

    This, however, is not an excuse, but we are all individual and have our own fingerprint as my therapist says. An unfortunate life, particularly at a young age, can really mess with our heads.

    We also all get a little overemotional at times, and say or do things we later reflect on and regret. We also can't go through life without making mistakes. This woman, however, clearly intended to inflict the most emotional pain she could that dreadful night, towards a person who suffers from depression, who was very apologetic throughout and didn't retaliate, and then abjectly failed to reflect or show any remorse after around 3 months, even when prompted time and time again (she claims I threw the first stone, so she just threw one back, which is major [Register to see the link] in my humble opinion). Indeed, there were little hints of further abuse here and there even after that. I'm not sure this kind of thing can all be excused by being sympathetic to her psychiatric disorder(s) (I'm not qualified to say obviously, and suspect even a seasoned psychologist or psychiatrist would probably have a hard time working her out), but seems like a major red flag.

  7. #136
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    She also wanted a face-to-face discussion to address the issues, but I do think it would have been more appropriate for her to have expressed remorse, and admitted her behaviour was a bit much, well before I invited her into my home again. No so? Indeed, her getting very emotional when approaching the subject, going on the attack and putting the phone down pretty much proves the point that trying to engage in reasonable discussion was futile., though she claims that she has difficulty talking on the phone due to her mental health problems.

  8. #137
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The bottom line is, you're a good hearted man. You tried with her. She treated you like dirt. She doesn't deserve your friendship.

  9. #138
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    The bottom line is, you're a good hearted man. You tried with her. She treated you like dirt. She doesn't deserve your friendship.
    That pretty much sums it up, but the whole thing is still seriously torturing me inside.

  10. #139
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    You haven't seen this woman for three months. What makes you hang on to something so bad when it's clearly not working? What does your therapist advise you to do?

  11. #140
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    You haven't seen this woman for three months. What makes you hang on to something so bad when it's clearly not working? What does your therapist advise you to do?
    I suppose her regular acts of goodwill and kindness really touched me - she would constantly show a real interest in my wellbeing (when she wasn't manic of course), and carry out acts of kindness that not many people have done in my life. This may be the other extreme of her BPD, or it may be that she was just genuinely very caring (again, when she wasn't manic). For example, before she first met me in person, she bought two plants for me, regardless of the fact that she had very little income, to help clean the air in my apartment, and hopefully help with my asthma etc. She spent hours labouring away at making plant holders, presumably because she couldn't afford ceramic ones. Another example is that when COVID-19 was really bad, she worried about me and bought a lot of food and supplies for me and tried to travel for over an hour on public transport with a view to delivering the food and supplies (again, on a very low income), whist putting herself at risk. She couldn't travel all the way because the trains were cancelled, but I think this was an act of selfless kindness. It is things like that that have really moved me.

    I also empathise with the fact that she has experienced many of the difficulties I have had growing up - we both lived in destitution at times.

    She also didn't show a judgemental attitude towards the fact that I can't currently work due to ill health, and was very caring in this respect (again, when she wasn't manic), where in a past relationship a certain person has lacked a lot of compassion and understanding.

    So, if she had no good points, I wouldn't be battling with my conscience etc., and I certainly wouldn't be missing her.

    I've spoken to my therapist about her after her night of obnoxious and abusive behaviour. He said that it sounds like she was very hurt and was being vindictive. He said I should '[Register to see the link] ', and mention that her behaviour really hurt and was unacceptable, but also mention the things I like about her and her good points. He said all this risks yet another argument, which I think is a very real concern in this case. I have only acted on his advice in a casual sense.

    He also asked me what I wanted to do in terms of carrying on with the relationship etc., and I said I think I will keep a safe distance. He said he will support me with whatever decision I make.

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