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Thread: Feeling used and abused

  1. #121
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    OP, my ex-boyfriend was diagnosed BPD. However, even after two different doctors came to the same diagnosis, he refused to believe that he indeed had a problem or needed help. He was thus untreated, and will likely remain so. I could not continue the relationship.

    Take it from someone who has been there: you can't do a thing for this woman. If she indeed suffers from an untreated personality disorder, you are completely unequipped and unqualified to help her. She doesn't need or want your sympathy.

    You need to pay more attention to your own problems, which are leading you to attach yourself to unstable and unrealistic situations like this. Your need to feel loved and desired, combined with you lack of boundaries, is causing you to make some very poor and self-destructive choices.

  2. #122
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    When did you last see each other in person? When was the last conversation?
    Originally Posted by Jas76
    I think another blessing has been the fact that COVID-19 has kept us apart for a bit, so I had some breathing space to take it all in and reflect.

  3. #123
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    OP, my ex-boyfriend was diagnosed BPD. However, even after two different doctors came to the same diagnosis, he refused to believe that he indeed had a problem or needed help. He was thus untreated, and will likely remain so. I could not continue the relationship.

    Take it from someone who has been there: you can't do a thing for this woman. If she indeed suffers from an untreated personality disorder, you are completely unequipped and unqualified to help her. She doesn't need or want your sympathy.

    You need to pay more attention to your own problems, which are leading you to attach yourself to unstable and unrealistic situations like this. Your need to feel loved and desired, combined with you lack of boundaries, is causing you to make some very poor and self-destructive choices.
    That's very interesting, and also sounds very familiar.

    Yes, I agree this seems to be way out of my control. I initially toyed with the idea that maybe just a lot of love is the answer, but I suspect that is futile, and also self-destructive as you say.

    I have set boundaries with her, which is why I needed her to show some remorse, with a view to giving a green light to such behaviour.

    I felt very sorry for her right from the outset - when I expressed reluctance to meet, she called me up crying her eyes out on the phone. I'm a big softy and very sympathetic, so I gave in.

  4. #124
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    When did you last see each other in person? When was the last conversation?
    Last saw her in person around 3 months ago. I have been shielding due to COVID-19. She has recently tried to put the pressure on for her to come over again, so much so that she broke down in tears. I told her that her shameless abuse was also an issue for me, which is when she cried some more, accused me of being difficult, then put the phone down.

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  6. #125
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    My conscience still really haunts me though, because it seems all she wanted was love and nurture, and when she didn't get it, this seemed to be a fundamental trigger. She has clearly had an extremely tough and unhappy childhood, and a very unfortunate adult life too, all of which I am very empathetic to.

    The Wikipedia page also states as follows:

    "Manipulative behavior to obtain nurturance is considered by the DSM-IV-TR and many mental health professionals to be a defining characteristic of borderline personality disorder."

    So, essentially, people with this disorder seem to go a bit berserk if they don't get the amount of love and affection they need, which rings true here.

    The major problem I faced/face is that I suffer from depression, and her unruly behaviour effects me far more emotionally and mentally in comparison to a non-depressed person.
    Last edited by Jas76; 07-02-2020 at 10:24 AM.

  7. #126
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP.

    Reading your posts I can assure you that this individual would affect anyone (leaving depression out of it altogether). Just reading about her crazy, berserk and manipulative ways is giving me a headache!

    We all need love and affection. There is nothing special about this individual. Except that she should be committed and placed long-term in the hands of professionals who might be able to assist her.

    I echo what all the others have said about boundaries. There are well-adjusted people out there, OP, and there is no reason why you cannot meet one. Think of how refreshing it would be to converse with someone sane.

  8. #127
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    OP.

    Reading your posts I can assure you that this individual would affect anyone (leaving depression out of it altogether). Just reading about her crazy, berserk and manipulative ways is giving me a headache!

    We all need love and affection. There is nothing special about this individual. Except that she should be committed and placed long-term in the hands of professionals who might be able to assist her.

    I echo what all the others have said about boundaries. There are well-adjusted people out there, OP, and there is no reason why you cannot meet one. Think of how refreshing it would be to converse with someone sane.
    True that, which is why I suspect she still hasn't found a proper stable relationship, friendly or romantic, and her own mother has turned her back on her. That said, her mother doesn't sound too great a mother to begin with.

    Sorry about the headache.

    Sadly, I don't think she will ever get the psychological help she needs, and even if she did, I imagine it will be very hard, if not impossible, for her to change her ways at her age.

    I'm usually a bit reluctant of engaging in romantic relationships, because it takes a lot of emotional investment, and I'm obviously mindful of getting hurt, as has happened often in the past, but I'm keeping an open mind.

  9. #128
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Who mentioned romance, OP?! ?

    How about a well-adjusted friend or two who might engage in sane conversation, for starters? Also, well-adjusted people are not in the habit of hurting others, and it isn't their career mode.

    You don't have to get madly enmeshed in high-octane stuff. And you sure do not want to be an ambulatory out-patient psychiatric unit. I don't think!

  10. #129
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    Originally Posted by Jas76
    I felt very sorry for her right from the outset - when I expressed reluctance to meet, she called me up crying her eyes out on the phone. I'm a big softy and very sympathetic, so I gave in.
    Eh, I would wager that this more about your own poor sense of self-worth and a lack of boundaries than it is about being a "softy." You have permitted this woman to wipe her feet on you and treat you like crap; but you are gaining something from this too, in the sense that you feel better about yourself when you think you can provide her the attention she apparently wants.

  11. #130
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Keep it that way. It gives you time to wind down from the whole mess and focus on improving your own happiness and well being.

    Have you found a doctor/therapist who resonates with you better? You claim you sued the last one and got financial compensation for incompetence.
    Originally Posted by Jas76
    Last saw her in person around 3 months ago.

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