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Thread: Breakup need help

  1. #1
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    Breakup need help

    Ok so my ex girlfriend broke up with me 4 months ago , I've tried to allow as much space as I can but we do keep in contact. The reasons she left was because

    Her mother was unwell
    She was unhappy with herself which affected the relationship on her side
    She needed time to find out what she wants in life etc

    Our relationship was good other than that , we were together 3 years we had marriage and kids in mind for the future and wanted a house together so it was 100% serious a forever thing.

    But the breakup was mutual I made It easier for her to allow her on her journey and offerd to be friends in a completely nice way to keep each other in our lives but since she left she is a completely different person she explained she needs to be selfish and think about herself which I completely understand and accept.

    Also since then she has had problems which I've tried my best to help as best as possible and we both decided not to tell our parents in Hope's that we can still be together in future but..

    Whilst she was going through her problems my family knew this but never checked or anything once during this time and now that has had an effect on her and her feelings as to how she feels about us all and if she would want to be apart of our family which hurts so much and I'm doing everything I feel is right to fix this but I'm struggling on how else I can because I still hope for us in future but I feel she is losing hope. Please is there any advice I could receive as I'm losing all ideas and I'm afraid she will soon lose all hope?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I makes no sense to try to talk someone back after they choose a breakup. She gave you her reason, and when you tried to talk her back after that she gave you a bigger reason, your family, which you can do nothing about.

    She chose that wedge for exactly that reason--to stop you from trying to work her.

    I'd stop the contact and leave her alone. I'd tell her that my door is open if she changes her mind, and I'm willing to do everything I can to make a new relationship together better for her. Otherwise, I wish the best for her.

    Done. This leaves an opening to you if she wants it while allowing yourself to heal and move forward.

    Moving forward is important, because nobody wants to return to the exact same relationship with the exact same person they chose to leave. The only way to demonstrate change is to walk your talk and stop talking. This will either prompt some curiosity and interest from her to learn of your progress in the future, or it won't. But hovering around making noises about change is not the way to sell her on change.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. Why are your families so involved, yet in the dark about the breakup? Give her the space she's asking for instead of crowding and suffocating her this much. You want to reconcile but she's not ready for that talk yet.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound like the break up was mutual. Keeping each other as friends also doesn't sound mutual. She doesn't seem capable of maintaining a relationship or friendship at this time. Don't force anything.

    Her biggest favour to you was her honesty and the reasons for ending the relationship. You listed those three there and they're very valid reasons for a person not being able to keep going.

    She needs to speak to a professional about her feelings and have a better place to talk about what she's going through. It's not the best idea expecting an ex's family to support her. If you want to steer this in a better direction, suggest that she speak to a counselor at school or point her to resources to help with coping with grief and mental health. Create some boundaries that make your situation less confusing for you and know when to take a step back and realize there are some things you can't help with.

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  6. #5
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    It's just a really confusing time with everything else that's going on with this situation. But yes I think I will speak to her about this and say exactly that.

    I understand everything and have tried to give her space and leave her alone but when i did she got upset and said why i hadn't reached out to her "because we talk every day" her words. During this time I have been making alot of changes about myself , I have been checking on her but aswell as giving her time I do not constantly communicate with her.

  7. #6
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    Well we were close especially her and my family, because we both said that we had hope for the future between us. I have been giving her as much space alot of the time I wait till she contacts me which she somtimes does.

  8. #7
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    Yes I do believe that's the case unfortunately and I completely understand the reasons which is why I accepted them and let her go on her journey. Maybe that would help because she does not like to deal with her problems with anyone else she prefers being by herself so the best way would be to talk all these things through

  9. #8
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    It's not a good sign when after 3 years she suddenly decides she needs to "find herself." Did you notice her becoming distant in the weeks or months before the break-up? How old are you both?

    It appears she wants to be able to lean on you at her convenience. That needs to stop, OP. You don't have to be unkind about it, but you can certainly remind her that she chose to end the relationship so you need your space to heal as well. This happens all too frequently: the dumpee holds out hope because the dumper is still in touch, only to be incredibly burnt in the end when the dumper never expresses a desire to reconcile, and moves on.

  10. #9
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    During our relationship we went through some tough times as to where we was living etc . Money wise for example, also during that time she gained alot of weight which was a big deal to her as she was trying to do modeling and that's not what she wanted so that was another reason she wanted to fix things like that about herself and to me all of that meant nothing because we were together which is what matterd but we were working towards bettering everything we needed. So her mums illness came at the same time she was becoming distant in the last couple months there was a slight change. This was when we moved to another location that saved money but she just was not feeling it for some reason. Also yes that is what I dont want to happen at the end of it we are both mid 20s

  11. #10
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    I think she's also realized she's not ready to commit you forever.

    When a couple is solid and both parties are ready for that step, they typically lean on each other during tough times - not seek distance to the extent that one person doesn't feel they can resolve these issues within the context of the relationship.

    It's tough, but not unusual around your ages. You're both still quite young. It sounds to me like it was a combination of external stressors and her outgrowing the relationship, unforunately.

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