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Thread: Feeling lost...what path

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Sep 2020

    Feeling lost...what path

    I've been with him for almost 8 years. Sine sophomore year of high school. My family moved back to MI my senior year of high school but I chose to stay in wv to get away from my toxic step dad. So I moved in with his mom and dad and have had to be okay with everything they've said. They've been helpful and guiding me to success but I've been trying to build a relationship with him for the entirety of our relationship but if his mom or grandmother doesnt approve we dont do it. He doesn't ever change the things I've asked him to but if he wants me to change I'm on it and will fix it right away. He asked me to marry him and I said yes because I thought for sure this was going to start the change I've been search for...but it didnt...so we bought a house and I thought if he gets what he wants he'll change....he didnt. Now dont get me wrong he's not mean to me physically or verbally, but mentally its draining to hold a facade that no longer feels like me. When I talk to him about how I want him to choose me first because I'll be his wife or how I want to move into the house that I'm already paying bills on he tells me no because it would be disrespectful...him and I have sex and we sleep in the same bed at his mom and dads.....but moving next door is disrespectful...taking trips with just me and him is disrespectful. Like I wanna know what it's going to be like with him not having his mother or grandma being there to do EVERYTHING for him. I don't live in the same house with him 24/7 hes stays at his grandmother's throughout the week and comes back to his moms and dads house on the weekend. Our house shares the same backyard as his mom and grandma so it's not like hes moving far but he refuses to choose me....now I'm at a predicament because the person who I fell in love with and have always started talking to me around my birthday this year. Him and I go back to grade school and have always been in love with each other and are very very similar. We talk about how we feel about each other and have planned to hang out my next trip to mi but hes not pushing me to choose him. He understands that I've been in a long committed relationship and wants me to choose my own path and be happy. I always thought he was out of my reach and hes always been waiting on me....now I'm 45 days away from being married and I know I love my fiance but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. My fiance says he will change and wants us to work but all he does is be extremely lovey dovey for a few weeks and then tries to act like he fixed his issues. I'm literally so stressed and overwhelmed with feelings it's not even funny an now i have no idea what to do. If I stay I'll have to make my happiness work vs. Moving back to mi and starting my life over to be easily happy like before

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Don't ever expect people to change. This is who he is.

    I think it is insane for you to marry this guy, as he will never make you happy. You also should not be talking to this other guy (cheating) which is really disgusting thing to do to your bf. I suggest that you tell your bf what you have been up to with this other guy.

    Stop talking to this other guy and break up with your bf, as he will not change. He has not changed in 8 years. Wake up!

    Move back to MI.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Ontario Canada
    You should not marry this guy who is not interested in you. He isn't going to change, he is who he is. If he wanted to change, he would have by now, so it's. not going to happen.

    If you marry him it will be more of the same, living with mom and grandma, paying little attention to you, and being the same guy he's always been. You really need to rethink marrying this guy you clearly dont care for anymore. Get your head out of the sand and see this for what it is - doomed.

    Stop talking to that other guy until you are free an clear from the current guy.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    It sounds to me like this is a culture clash on one issue. Can you be more specific about the sleeping arrangements or living arrangements currently? It appears that it's disrespectful to move into your new home together before marriage but you are the only one who doesn't think so and the marriage itself is in 45 days? What's the big deal if all this will fall into place in 45 days?

    If you're bickering a lot, it's natural for him not to want to be around you. People don't like to be a punching bag for someone else's frustrations. Aside from the sleeping and current living arrangements or current travel arrangements you don't seem to have any other disagreements. Is this correct? Are they all dependent on before marriage/after marriage rules or traditions?

    I think talking with another man is adding to your confusion while you're planning or having plans to start a life with your fiance. You're going to find yourself regretting a lot of your actions if you don't start being more honest about what you're doing - be more honest with yourself about what you want out of life. Jumping from one relationship to another is unhealthy and creates a snowball effect of problems and unresolved issues down the line. The antidote to a failing relationship is not another immediate relationship. It takes work and some sincerity figuring things out on your own and asking yourself difficult questions about what you want out of life before attempting to be with another person again. It may also mean breaking out of unhealthy relationship patterns. If you are falling for certain types of men, stop. You're jumping from the frying pan to the fire, so to speak, rebounding and blind to any false pretenses or flaws that come with a rebound relationship.

    You ought to treat yourself with a bit more respect, see through clearer lenses. Don't jump to MI to be with some other guy just because he says come hither at a convenient time. Figure things out with your current situation and leave off on any other decisions that have nothing to do with the breakdown of your engagement.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Why are you trying to romance an old flame weeks before your wedding?

  7. #6
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Whatever you do, please do NOT get married. It's just plain wrong on so many levels. You admit you're not in love with your fiance. There's another guy in the picture. You're unhappy and confused. ALL of which is a recipe for disaster. Your marriage won't last long and will end in divorce (imo). Save yourself and your fiance that headache and cancel the wedding and then sort yourself out.


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