Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 40

Thread: Struggling to move on

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    171

    Struggling to move on

    I had posted on here last month as I was feeling quite down about a long term relationship break up, I have been feeling a bit better since then but recently I feel I am going back the way and I dont know why. It has been 8 months since the split and it was a 6 year relationship, I am trying so hard to stay positive and I am saving to buy my own flat and i have lost weight and healthy but i am just getting frustrated that i am not totally over it. Does anyone else ever have felt like that?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,554
    Gender
    Male
    While there's no science to these things, I'd expect most anyone coming out of a relationship as long as yours is going to experience a pretty jagged year of healing before things start to normalize. Doesn't mean it's 365 days of pure hellfire, but that it's a process, and if you were posting here about being "totally over it" I'd probably be more suspicious than what you're saying you're feeling your way through.

    Think about it like this. Let's say I live in once city for six years, building a home there, working a job. It's all pretty good, if lacking in greatness. So, after a particularly soul-destroying week, I decide to move. Eight months into my new life in a new city? I call you up and tell you I'm still feeling a bit unsettled, still looking for my groove, my community. I've got a job, which I'm not yet sold on, and my apartment, while nice, is half furnished. I'm feeling edgy, less at home than between homes. Odds are you'd tell me that sounds pretty normal, no?

    This is that, but emotionally rather than geographically. You don't have to "stay positive," but nor do you have to get frustrated for failing to be "totally over it." Meet yourself wherever you are, on any given day, by letting yourself know that it's okay. No one feels totally at home eight months after moving, and very few people are "totally over" a six year relationship after 8 months. They have a great week or two, then some really lousy ones. And for those who moved and found themselves in a global pandemic a few months into it? Well, it makes it all a bit harder, as I suspect it makes a breakup harder.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    171
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    While there's no science to these things, I'd expect most anyone coming out of a relationship as long as yours is going to experience a pretty jagged year of healing before things start to normalize. Doesn't mean it's 365 days of pure hellfire, but that it's a process, and if you were posting here about being "totally over it" I'd probably be more suspicious than what you're saying you're feeling your way through.

    Think about it like this. Let's say I live in once city for six years, building a home there, working a job. It's all pretty good, if lacking in greatness. So, after a particularly soul-destroying week, I decide to move. Eight months into my new life in a new city? I call you up and tell you I'm still feeling a bit unsettled, still looking for my groove, my community. I've got a job, which I'm not yet sold on, and my apartment, while nice, is half furnished. I'm feeling edgy, less at home than between homes. Odds are you'd tell me that sounds pretty normal, no?

    This is that, but emotionally rather than geographically. You don't have to "stay positive," but nor do you have to get frustrated for failing to be "totally over it." Meet yourself wherever you are, on any given day, by letting yourself know that it's okay. No one feels totally at home eight months after moving, and very few people are "totally over" a six year relationship after 8 months. They have a great week or two, then some really lousy ones. And for those who moved and found themselves in a global pandemic a few months into it? Well, it makes it all a bit harder, as I suspect it makes a breakup harder.
    Yeah I mean I have been doing so well but again I just feel myself getting upset over the breakup when I know I shouldnt be as I wasnt treated very well but I think because I was all set to buy a house together and now I am back living at home while I save up enough for my own place I feel I am going back the way

    And I am terrified that I dont find happiness again with someone I get really bad anxiety about it

  4. #4
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,899
    Gender
    Female
    LSL. I think it is very much going FORWARD that you are saving to buy a place of your own! It's a great idea.

    Terror and anxiety are not good places to be, OP. We have no idea what the future will bring simply because the future isn't here yet. Truth to tell all we have got is today, and futurising can drive you mad, never mind give you anxiety.

    Speaking of happiness, or contentment, this is something you must find within yourself. Not dependent on a future someone.

    It is important to find a way to damp down that panic and terror, OP.

    And anyhow, what makes you think or imagine you will not meet someone with whom to build a healthy relationship? Maybe write down what you think are the reasons. Then when you read those reasons back you will probably just laugh.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,554
    Gender
    Male
    I hear you.

    My last long relationship was three years. Our lives were never really braided—didn’t live together—and I had a pretty solid foundation before meeting her: established career, owned two homes, had some money and sense of purpose, all that jazz. Still, 8 months after breaking up? I was still wobbly, still confronting pangs of anger, waves of uncertainty, and so on. Guess I’m just trying to say that if you can cut yourself some slack you might find it’s what you need to move through these moments.

    You’re 30, if I recall. Not sure if this is worth anything, but most everyone I know found their groove in their 30s, often after letting go of some formative moments (and people) from their 20s. Hang in there, head high. My personal belief is every moment that reminds us that we’re a bit more vulnerable than we know is a moment reminding us that we’re also a lot stronger than we realize.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    171
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    LSL. I think it is very much going FORWARD that you are saving to buy a place of your own! It's a great idea.

    Terror and anxiety are not good places to be, OP. We have no idea what the future will bring simply because the future isn't here yet. Truth to tell all we have got is today, and futurising can drive you mad, never mind give you anxiety.

    Speaking of happiness, or contentment, this is something you must find within yourself. Not dependent on a future someone.

    It is important to find a way to damp down that panic and terror, OP.

    And anyhow, what makes you think or imagine you will not meet someone with whom to build a healthy relationship? Maybe write down what you think are the reasons. Then when you read those reasons back you will probably just laugh.
    Yeah I have managed to save up a good deposit and done it all on my own which I am proud of but I think because I thought it would have been with him it is a wee bit scary doing it on my own but at the same time I am excited

    I posted on here when my break up happened last October as I was in a really bad place and posting on here has helped me through alot of it.

    I think just because my confidence has went down a bit since what happened with my break up but I think you are right I probs will just laugh haha, alot of my friends, colleagues etc said to me any man would be lucky to have you and it really meant alot to me, they said you are really genuine and are always there for others so that maybe gives me hope they think I will meet the right person one day..hopefully haha

  8. #7
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    171
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I hear you.

    My last long relationship was three years. Our lives were never really braided—didn’t live together—and I had a pretty solid foundation before meeting her: established career, owned two homes, had some money and sense of purpose, all that jazz. Still, 8 months after breaking up? I was still wobbly, still confronting pangs of anger, waves of uncertainty, and so on. Guess I’m just trying to say that if you can cut yourself some slack you might find it’s what you need to move through these moments.

    You’re 30, if I recall. Not sure if this is worth anything, but most everyone I know found their groove in their 30s, often after letting go of some formative moments (and people) from their 20s. Hang in there, head high. My personal belief is every moment that reminds us that we’re a bit more vulnerable than we know is a moment reminding us that we’re also a lot stronger than we realize.
    Yeah I'm 30, yeah I get you do you think I am maybe being too hard on myself?

    Alot of people have said to me when you turn 30 and are older you know what you want in life more than when you were in your 20's

    How long did it take you to feel like completely better after your breakup?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,899
    Gender
    Female
    Yes! LSL.

    "..wee bit scary doing it on my own but at the same time I am excited"


    Scary excited is great!

    Your friends are right. And, yes, you are too hard on yourself. L.

    30 is young LSL.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    171
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Yes! LSL.

    "..wee bit scary doing it on my own but at the same time I am excited"


    Scary excited is great!

    Your friends are right. And, yes, you are too hard on yourself. L.

    30 is young LSL.
    I think it is just because out my friend group I am the only single one so everyone is all settled with partners, kids married etc so I sometimes just get upset about it because I was nearly there with the house the partner etc and my world has just changed completely now so it's like I have to adjust to a new life if that makes sense?

    And then I am thinking God how do I meet someone again or will the next person hurt me the way my ex did just these things go through my head

  11. #10
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,899
    Gender
    Female
    Try not to futurise LSL. It's a killer.

    We cannot foretell the future either. And fortune-telling can be dicey. Lol.

    And it is just as well you were not nearly there with the individual you describe. A lucky escape.

    Meeting someone again is not a "lucky-bag" type of thing. No one can hurt you if you don't let them. So preparing yourself so that you become not just self-aware but very aware of people. Get good at reading people.

    Dial back that anxiety. With help if necessary.

    Never mind who else has what. You don't even know what their lives might really be like.

    Good luck

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Videos


How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships

Forgiveness Does Not Always Solve Relationship Problems

Too Much Commitment Can Destroy Romantic Relationship

Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?

TV Romance Can Ruin Real-Life Relationships
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •