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Thread: Struggling to move on

  1. #31
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    LSL. These are not in the category of "supportive friends".

    "...some people have said to me you should be over it by now and then that panics me that they might be right"

    Do not listen to people who can only utter soundbites!

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    LSL. These are not in the category of "supportive friends".

    "...some people have said to me you should be over it by now and then that panics me that they might be right"

    Do not listen to people who can only utter soundbites!
    Just the shock of how it ended I think is making it harder for me

  3. #33
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    LSL.

    It will take a while. Try to connect only with positive people, not those who utter platitudes as in "you should be over it by now". That is a form of blaming.

    I just wanted to echo something a poster remarked in one of your threads:

    "...your giving personality and tendency to self blame is dangerous for you. It attracts users and predators".

    And... don't always be there for others. Be always there for yourself. You are the main priority.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    Yeah I think just because some people have said to me you should be over it by now and then that panics me that they might be right
    Along with LaHermes, I say this is a wonderful time in life to learn to shrug off "shoulds" by others. Absorb what works, for you, and let go of what doesn't, including inside your support network. I'm sure the intentions there aren't malicious, but when people offer you prescriptions like that—you should be over it by now, you should have a kid by now, you should have this much money in retirement by now—they're often just showcasing their own limitations and insecurities.

    Rose's post really resonated with me, in that I like to flip that script on myself whenever I'm feeling edgy: challenging myself to consider that this is exactly how I should be feeling, rather than some problem that needs to be solved, pronto. When you can find confidence on that path, in just expands to others.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Along with LaHermes, I say this is a wonderful time in life to learn to shrug off "shoulds" by others. Absorb what works, for you, and let go of what doesn't, including inside your support network. I'm sure the intentions there aren't malicious, but when people offer you prescriptions like that—you should be over it by now, you should have a kid by now, you should have this much money in retirement by now—they're often just showcasing their own limitations and insecurities.

    Rose's post really resonated with me, in that I like to flip that script on myself whenever I'm feeling edgy: challenging myself to consider that this is exactly how I should be feeling, rather than some problem that needs to be solved, pronto. When you can find confidence on that path, in just expands to others.
    Yeah I do still love him and I wish I could just click my fingers and not feel like that anymore but it is so hard and I just hope I dont feel like this forever

  7. #36
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Come now, LSL. This won't do at all! L.

    "I just hope I dont feel like this forever"

    Forever is a very long time. And remember: "If it hurts it isn't love".

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Come now, LSL. This won't do at all! L.

    "I just hope I dont feel like this forever"

    Forever is a very long time. And remember: "If it hurts it isn't love".
    I have never thought about it that way that's a good saying, maybe in a years time I will look back and laugh at how silly I was being.

    In a years time I may be back on the forum saying I have found a new man haha

  9. #38
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    LSL.

    Keep the focus off a "new" man or any man for the time being.

    Right now the focus needs to be on becoming "your own woman". It isn't at all silly to feel shaken by the type of experience you described.

    You have much to do and work on LSL.

    As I said earlier: "Don't always be there for others". And never ever again take on the role of doing everything in a relationship. Look up "What does a Healthy Relationship Look Like".

    As Nº 1 remarked in another post, you may be mourning the loss of the idea (of a relationship) rather than the person.

    And quoting Wiseman from a month or so ago:

    "Start to realize that this relationship made you sick, the breakup is the start of getting better. Do some reading. Learn. Grow. Being in a stunted environment for this long in limbo living as one unhealthy being in two bodies, you are going to need long term exit help. You will have to come to terms as to why you stayed in this mess for so long."

    So much to look at and work out LSL.
    Last edited by LaHermes; 06-29-2020 at 01:04 PM.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Don't subscribe to the belief that only a "new man" will make you feel better. Because if that "new man" doesn't work out, then what?

    You are not nothing without a man. You are you, with or without a romantic partner.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    LSL.

    Keep the focus off a "new" man or any man for the time being.

    Right now the focus needs to be on becoming "your own woman". It isn't at all silly to feel shaken by the type of experience you described.

    You have much to do and work on LSL.

    As I said earlier: "Don't always be there for others". And never ever again take on the role of doing everything in a relationship. Look up "What does a Healthy Relationship Look Like".

    As Nº 1 remarked in another post, you may be mourning the loss of the idea (of a relationship) rather than the person.

    And quoting Wiseman from a month or so ago:

    "Start to realize that this relationship made you sick, the breakup is the start of getting better. Do some reading. Learn. Grow. Being in a stunted environment for this long in limbo living as one unhealthy being in two bodies, you are going to need long term exit help. You will have to come to terms as to why you stayed in this mess for so long."

    So much to look at and work out LSL.
    Yeah I know deep down he wasnt the right person for me. At the time I did and then when I look back at it now I can see he wasnt

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