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Thread: Struggling to move on

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Go easy. You're coming down way too hard on yourself. Apply that somewhere else - your professional life, your work, whatever you do on the side. Don't do that to your heart. Handle with care. Bluecastle's posts resonated with me and I agree with everyone else. Stay away from the "what's wrong with me" syndrome Smackie mentioned also and keep the faith.

    Are you working at the moment? Put things in perspective if you're off work. Chances are things are a little up in the air with the pandemic. Try not to self-destruct.

    It is completely normal to think about your ex but it's what you do that counts. Focus on things that you are able to forward and accomplish and give back to your wellbeing. Be kind to yourself. There is only one of you.
    Yeah I work in a bank so have been working all through the pandemic. I'm trying to be positive and I have been but I just dont know what is wrong with me the past few weeks

    I still miss him alot and I know I shouldnt

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I wasnt treated very well but I think because I was all set to buy a house together
    Think of the strides you've made since ditching the misguided idea that investing in the financial burden of a permanent home with ANYone who doesn't treat you well could possibly turn out well.

    This may not have been the way you wanted to go about learning some really important and life changing things, but most of us have taken the long road and the hard way to avoid crucial mistakes.

    None of your progress will ever be lost, it can just feel that way whenever your private ascent gets bumpy rather than staying smooth.

    The first year after the breakup of a LTR is a struggle to reclaim your own sense and your perspective and your holidays and your milestones. It's natural to encounter rough times along the way. But no matter how much a time can feel like a backslide, it is not--it's just the hard side of progress.

    Head high, and worry less. You will thank yourself later.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Think of the strides you've made since ditching the misguided idea that investing in the financial burden of a permanent home with ANYone who doesn't treat you well could possibly turn out well.

    This may not have been the way you wanted to go about learning some really important and life changing things, but most of us have taken the long road and the hard way to avoid crucial mistakes.

    None of your progress will ever be lost, it can just feel that way whenever your private ascent gets bumpy rather than staying smooth.

    The first year after the breakup of a LTR is a struggle to reclaim your own sense and your perspective and your holidays and your milestones. It's natural to encounter rough times along the way. But no matter how much a time can feel like a backslide, it is not--it's just the hard side of progress.

    Head high, and worry less. You will thank yourself later.
    Thank you that means alot, people keep saying to me that's been 8 months now and keep telling me to do online dating but I just dont know if I am ready for online dating

    I think I keep worrying about what if he moves on before I do and then I think what does this person have that I dont

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Yes, I think you're being hard on yourself. Human, understandable. But still: a touch hard. This isn't Olympic swimming, where you miss the podium by .002 seconds. It's just life. It thrives with latitude.

    I'm not sure if I'd say that 30 marks the beginning of knowing what you want from life. I think life, more or less, is forever of journey exploring that question, with stretches of clarity giving way to stretches of fogginess. But I do think it's a time when you start thinking less about needing to have x by year y, when you pivot from needing everything answered to getting more comfortable in the idea that it's really just a series of questions, with clarity and fogginess being more of "one thing" rather than binary poles. Or at least that was my experience. At 25 I wanted to know exactly what and where I'd be at 30; now I'm 40, and I don't really care to know what 45 or 50 will bring. I trust the process, and trust myself to navigate it.

    As for my story? Mind you, it's just my story, not a template for anything, but: I think I was in a pretty good headspace at around 8-9 months. Was around then that I started dating again, and I didn't feel like a zombie or an imposter when doing so. Not sure when "completely better" occurred. It kind of just did, but what's important is that I don't measure "completely better" by "feeling great 24/7 and finding love again." It was just being me, a dude going through life rather than a dude measuring life by a breakup.

    And if you can be a littler gentler with yourself? You might realize that's what's happening here: you are just you, a newly single 30 year old reclaiming some fire while living in an absolutely bonkers moment on planet Earth. Everyone is on edge. You're in good company right now.
    Yeah I think just what worries me is what if he moves on before me and I am still here getting upset over the breakup and then that will have me thinking what does she have that I dont, I dont even know if he is seeing anyone we havent spoken since march

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Who cares if he "moves on" before you do?

    That is not your concern. Please do not indulge in that kind of thinking. It isn't some kind of competition.

    You do not need to know, or care, what he does.

    The only person on whom you must concentrate, HARD, is yourself.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Who cares if he "moves on" before you do?

    That is not your concern. Please do not indulge in that kind of thinking. It isn't some kind of competition.

    You do not need to know, or care, what he does.

    The only person on whom you must concentrate, HARD, is yourself.
    Yeah your right I know I have a good support system around me and my friends etc have been there alot for me. I think my main priority is just focusing aswell on getting my own place

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I’d really try not to define “moving on” as “getting involved with someone else,” be it his life or yours. Live your life as you want, as you see fit—that’s moving forward, which eventually morphs to moved on.

    Life is not a competition, just to echo the above, and neither are breakups. People do why they do. What matters is what you do, for you, and finding identity and value there, not through comparison testing.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I’d really try not to define “moving on” as “getting involved with someone else,” be it his life or yours. Live your life as you want, as you see fit—that’s moving forward, which eventually morphs to moved on.

    Life is not a competition, just to echo the above, and neither are breakups. People do why they do. What matters is what you do, for you, and finding identity and value there, not through comparison testing.
    Yeah I just dont know why I had a wee mini breakdown the past few days when I have been doing so well

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    Yeah I just dont know why I had a wee mini breakdown the past few days when I have been doing so well
    But the question perhaps should be: why not?

    Turn it around and ask yourself if it's logical or reasonable at all for you not to think of someone who used to mean so much to you.

    These things come in waves as you already know... be patient and reasonable with yourself. It's all part and parcel of letting go. The important part is that you keep striving for more and growing the way you want to grow.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    But the question perhaps should be: why not?

    Turn it around and ask yourself if it's logical or reasonable at all for you not to think of someone who used to mean so much to you.

    These things come in waves as you already know... be patient and reasonable with yourself. It's all part and parcel of letting go. The important part is that you keep striving for more and growing the way you want to grow.
    Yeah I think just because some people have said to me you should be over it by now and then that panics me that they might be right

    Yeah I'm focusing on buying my own place I've worked alot to try save the deposit and I've lost over 2 stone in weight and just trying to keep busy

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