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Thread: Experiencing trauma bond after leaving toxic relationship

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2020

    Experiencing trauma bond after leaving toxic relationship

    Itís been over a month since I ended things with the suspected narcissistic ex. The relationship became toxic, communicating with him was near impossible at times.

    Although I know the valid reasons why I left, and some traits even being deemed emotionally abusive, my mind plays tricks on me sometimes, forgetting the bad things instead replacing this with memories of all the good times. I still feel heartbroken, especially since the last message he sent me was declaring how sorry he is and how much he loves me and I was his true love etc. I read the message but didnít reply, he saw I read it too.
    He had been saying all those things from the moment I told him I was ending things, but I never gave in to the sorrys and pleas.

    Iíve deleted him off social media already a few weeks ago now. His message still came through a couple of weeks ago, as we had an active chat in messenger. Even not FB friends I still received his message.

    I just wish these thoughts of doubt would subside, I know I made the right decision. There are times when I wonder if I overdramatised the whole situation in my head, and reacted out of anger by ending the relationship completely, I had my reasons for leaving and told them all to him, and I had reached my limit, after multiple arguments over petty things, and dealing with his disproportionate anger tantrums. Why do I still feel sad for putting him through this pain, and sad for ending the relationship and the one who closed the chapter on us. Iím sure thatís normal.

    It made it harder because I still loved him so much, but still walked away. I have no desire to talk to him again, that door is closed.

    Any one experienced similar things after being the one to end a relationship? I was reading about trauma bonds, and this could be what Iím experiencing.. possibly.

    Any advice would be much appreciated, to help bring me back into reality and ground these thoughts. Thanks in advance!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Try to remember that guilt tripping is all part of the abuse cycle. Remind yourself that you miss a relationship but not him or the abuse.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Also try to remember abusive people donít even really love themselves or anyone else they just think they do.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Ending any relationship is tough but I think what makes ending a toxic one ever harder is cycle of good and bad. If we could just have more of the good. we know they're capable. we've seen it!

    It takes a further toll, because its human nature to blame ourselves. If I was better & they loved me more they would act better.

    Its all a big mind game and its like you have to separate him and the relationship from what you know is true.

    1. you deserve better
    2. you are worth more
    3. you will find better
    4. he is actually a terrible person masquerading as a good person
    5. everything he did or said is a lie.. the good and the bad.

    When I found myself in an abusive relationship and wanting to end it. I remember thinking if he would only hit me, then I'd be sure. what the heck? but that is how confusing emotional abuse is. i accepted bad behavior for so long, i wasnt sure anymore.

    And the people around me had no clue. They wanted us all to be friends. Craziness.

    Be strong. Protect yourself and that inner person that is counting on you because you have to hold the line... good self talk is very important at these times.

    Take time to heal. I didn't really. I ended things and got away from the guy for good. But looking back, I accepted that he was a bad guy. And did not really look at what was going on with me that I accepted his behavior.

    Raising your standards is a big part of protecting yourself... and making better choices. I'm still working on that. but I'm getting better!


  6. #5
    Join Date
    May 2020
    I experienced a trauma bond with narc ex. Even after months of no contact, I still feel like I can't totally let go. I have not let him know this however. I just keep silent. He still continues to try & pull my strings by trying to chase a friend of mine. She won't even consider him, thankfully.

    I have tried dating others, engaged in various sports & other activities but I am still trauma bonded. I wonder how he is at times, if life is getting any better. But I don't dare to reach out.

    I can say that as each month passes I feel a little more at peace as the drama is gone from my life. I'm left with trying various avenues for healing. I don't think the answer is necessarily a new man. In fact, I think it's best not to get involved as I tend to attach to unhealthy relationships.

    There are many online support forums that offer support for releasing the trauma bond. This is where I started. The really important part of all this is to go 100% NC with the ex. Not giving in I think is progress in itself.


  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    You will start to move on when you block him on ALL platforms and stop engaging. The sooner you do this, things will move in a positive direction.


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