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Thread: The first year is supposed to be the hardest, but this canít be normal.

  1. #1
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    The first year is supposed to be the hardest, but this canít be normal.

    Okay so there is a lot going on so Iím going to try to make this as short as I can.

    I got married last fall, before the marriage everything was pretty much perfect. Finances for the wedding were a bit stressful, and we had a few arguments over it but I felt that we handled them rather well and things never got out of hand.

    The first big issue: Gambling
    He literally never gambled before we were married, and starting about a month after our wedding he started gambling regularly in casinos and online. It took me a few months to realize how big the issue was but once finances became tight (he was getting paid well at the time, and I work a decent paying job) I became curious and looked into it. Turns out that in four short months he had lost over 20,000 dollars. He was spending just about 75% of his income on gambling. There was a point where we had no food in the house and he lost 1200 dollars in one night. We had planned to get groceries the next day and suddenly he didnít have the money for it.
    I thought I addressed the problem appropriately. I never scolded or guilted him, I recognized that he has an addiction and told him about how it made me feel, told him some important statistics, and gave him the resources to get help. I had to do this three more times over the next three months because he didnít stop. It got to the point where he dug himself into a hole of debt, and he started to show signs of depression. As soon as the gambling started, he began to treat me differently.

    Snapshot of the ways I feel he is mistreating me:
    -only pays attention to me when he wants to have sex, gets angry and guilts me when Iím not in the mood (who would be after being ignored all day, like literally ignored)
    -lack of support. I was recently accepted to a post secondary program which I have been talking about for months, and I am very excited to start this next chapter. I overheard him telling his brother that I was accepted and he wasnít able to tell him what I was going to school for, how long the program was, what job Iíll be doing when Iím done, etc. Itís one thing that he doesnít ask, but Iíve been talking about this dream for a long time. Shouldnít he at least have retained the gist of it?
    -sneaky behaviors. This started with hiding the gambling but now he is being very secretive about everything. My laptop has been broken for a while so Iíve been using his, but he changed the password and wont tell me what it is.
    -anger issues. Everything sets him off. I canít look at him the wrong way. I feel like Iím walking on eggshells constantly. Even when he plays video games he has been breaking controllers and even getting mad at me for distracting him (for sitting on the couch beside him silently).
    -belittles me, makes me feel guilty and dramatic. In reality Iím a pretty chill person.
    -lack of trust. I recently discovered that he set up the iPad to receive all my text messages. I have never done anything to make him mistrust me.

    ~Most importantly; Iím not allowed to tell anyone.
    When the gambling got bad I told him it was taking a big toll on me, and I wanted to reach out to a friend or family member for help. He was forceful with me, he took away my phone and threatened me if I ever told anyone. I understand heís embarrassed but this is obviously unacceptable. He has reacted the same way to me talking to any friends about the other issues weíve been having. We live in his hometown, Iím hours away from my family and friends so I have nowhere to go when things get bad.

    So thatís where it changed.
    I decided to visit my family when I was recently laid off from work. I was able to see a few of my best friends. I broke down and told two of my friends everything and their reactions said it all. I finally realized how unacceptable this is.
    I had been living in a complete bubble, practically being brainwashed into thinking I was doing something wrong. My husband would be furious if he knew I told anyone but I felt so freed having it in the open and being reassured that Iím not crazy, and Iím not overreacting.

    Oh also, in respect to the gambling issue. There was a point where I told him that if he didnít stop then our marriage wouldnít survive it. He has continued to gamble anyways. He has an addiction, but if this isnít incentive for him to seek help then what is?

    For months I was tending to his every need. Tip-toeing around trying not to upset him. I am emotionally drained. Things have been harder the last few weeks. These are clearly stressful times. My husband isnít working and refuses to seek out a new job even though weíre struggling. He refuses to clean a single thing in our apartment so I come home from my full time job to tidy up after my lazy husband (and I donít complain because I know heís going through hard times FML). My job has changed dramatically due to covid restrictions. Finances are rough. These are all real issues that can add onto marital problems, but our issues began before this whole pandemic. Iíve been bending over backwards trying to make him happy, and Iíve never been so stressed out in my entire life. Sometimes I feel more like I am tending to a child as opposed to working as a team with my husband.

    This is not the man I married. It hasnít even been a year. I feel stupid, I feel tricked and I feel trapped. I thought I finally met the perfect man and that my life would only get better from here. I am embarrassed to talk to my parents about it, but I feel that is my next step. Iím scared of divorce, I feel like damaged goods. A young dumb girl with bad judgment and apparent bad taste in men.

    Iím not giving up just yet. Iím not going to emotionally drain myself anymore either though. Iíve done everything I can. So my question is, how long would you wait to see if things get better? Marriage is a life commitment, and I donít want to give up because of a rough few months but there is absolutely no way I could handle this for the rest of my life.

    Iím sure there are things I could do better, but I genuinely believe that I have been a very supportive wife to him. He knows about this all. Iíve talked to him about everything and how it makes me feel. Iíve tried addressing the issues head-on. Iíve tried giving him space to let him figure it out on his own. I even asked his brother to talk to him because heís been acting ďdifferentĒ (hoping he would open up about the issues but he didnít).

    If youíve taken the time to read this all, thank you. Sorry itís a mess, my brain is scattered. There is so much more I could have said, this really is the short version (you can tell Iíve been holding it in hey?). If anyone has gotten over a patch this rough in their marriage please let me know. I want to figure this out before we get into the having kids stage of our marriage; because at this point I simply donít want to have kids with him, my own husband. I know, horrible. But I canít afford to feel this lost and be any more trapped than I am now.

    So please be blatantly honest with me, ask me questions if you want more info. I need help. Iíve been meaning to write this for a while and finally summoned the courage. I donít want to waste anymore time, I want my life back.

    I just want to be happy again.

  2. #2
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    He has an addiction. His treatment of you is abusive and related to the addiction.

    My friend divorced a gambling addict -he gambled rarely or not at all before marriage and in the first few years

    (I mean I've been to casinos as has my husband -I've "gambled" i guess on slot machines as has he -nowhere near addiction n, just occasional fun some years ago - no fears he will ever be addicted from that!)

    Anyway - he gambled away their young kids' college fund basically and had an affair with a woman he met in Vegas, etc. -he regularly lied about his gambling, his trips (he travels a lot for work so he covered it up) and they went to some casinos together but again just for fun -never any alarm bells at those times.

    Please leave before it gets worse, before you heaven forbid have kids.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You know you need to get a divorce/annulment before you face complete financial ruin. It's irrelevant whether you view gambling and deceit as a disease or not, he will not change with that approach either. He had all these issues before, he just hid them well.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    This is heart breaking and very wrong of him. Addiction has taken over. It changes your brain. until he decides to get help and deals with this for himself, he cannot be the husband and partner you need and deserve.

    Go back to your family. Do not allow yourself to be isolated and abused anymore.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Definitely divorce / annulment. That's regardless of how dedicated you want to be to working things out with him. Even if you are determined to, you should be taking extra steps to separate and secure your income. You've got to legally separate yourself from any debt and liabilities that could and likely will result from his addiction. Stop talking to his family and friends. Start talking to yours. This isn't about fixing somebody. It's about being an adult for your part and securing yourself. It's incredibly unfortunate events unraveled as they did, but you've gotta react to the reality with your own interests in mind.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Meeting with an attorney isn't giving up, it's gathering information to protect yourself.

    I'd do that right away.

    In some locations, filing for a legal separation can protect you from any further debt husband incurs. However, in locations where that is not the case, I'd file for divorce immediately.

    From there, husband gets to decide whether the marriage is worth saving. Unless you want to make that choice yourself.

    Head high. Nobody is worth going into poverty to love. Some people are best loved from far away.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Sorry wrong thread....

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long did you know each other before you married?

    Is this the same man?: [Register to see the link]

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by FairyFail
    Iím scared of divorce, I feel like damaged goods. A young dumb girl with bad judgment and apparent bad taste in men.
    Getting a divorce is the right choice, the mistake would be staying with him. When things do not work, they just simply do not work. You have to change and adapt, don't expect a different result by doing the same thing.

    "Damaged goods" damn that's a horrible mentality.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I donít want to give up because of a rough few months
    Are you kidding? What you're going through is mental and emotional abuse all due to your "husband" and I use that word lightly as he is more like your warden and someone who treats you very badly.

    This is abuse on many different levels.

    There is no fixing this. There is only you saving yourself and getting out.

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